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Old July 19th, 2012, 07:41 AM
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My brother hates me

Hello guyz, it's been long since I spoke to you. I could not access network at home as I was on my 4 month maternity leave, hope you all well. I've been missing you a lot.

I have this troubling issue that maybe some of you can help me. At home we are the family of 4 children, 6 years apart. My mom got me before marrying my stepfather so all my 3 brothers are my half brothers from my mom's side. Now the problem is with the one after me, the 1st son for my stepfather. We were very close when we were young. I loved him more than anything on this earth since my dad has abandoned me and my mom was married and staying with my stepdad 200ks away! Me and him were staying with grandmom (mom's mom), aunt and her children. My mom decided to let all of my half brothers stay with grandmom so she can be able to send money for me and her sister's children who was not working, in the name of sending for my half brothers if stepdad query it.

Now we grow up very very close with my 1st brother, even people were amazed at the way we were so close. The problem started when we both finished school and had to go and stay at the city, I was working while finishing off my university studies. He was just starting his varsity! He was purely my responsibility financial and I enjoyed doing that to my little brother. I even left a good company who was paying me less, cause I wanted to make sure we are able to survive as his older sister. At all this time he did not know we are only sharing a mom and not a dad. My stepdad put pressure on mom to reveal it to him, I was not happy cause I was so scared of loosing him, I was not sure how he was going to react to that.

My mom decided to tell him, he was 19 when he was told. He cried for about an hour, he could not believe it.I was so sad! Though mom explained I'm still his sister nothing should change. I've got no other family since my dad did not want anything to do with me. He just sobbed bitterly. Just after that, things started changing, he started noticing how I talk to him, reporting me to stepdad that I don't respect him. Stepdad will just he hits me!Fortunately he didn't, well he couldn't I told him that would be the day I stop supporting him.But things started getting sour between us, really sour. Every little thing I do, will be major to him and his dad will support him and my mom will be so helpless! I was so so hurt, it was like my heart was stripped out of me those days,,luckily those were the days I met my husband! who has to hear me crying for my brother everyday and the bond we used to share.

After I got married, things became better becuase of the new member who has joined the family, but not for long. My brother also got married recently, his wife seem to be the right kind of girl.They came to visit me, she would buy me gifts and discuss with me most of the things concerning their wedding and I felt like his sister all over again, I was very greatful to that girl he married. Until recently when I thought everything was okay!

He just burst out of nothing! When we all visited home, calling me a bastard infront of the whole family including his wife. Telling me not to ever visit his house, he won't come to mine!My stepfather instead of stopping him, he agreed with him, my mom was crying so helplessly! My husband was not around! He said all the painful things to me, my children and even to my husband. He was very angry for absolute no reason!

I did not know, what to do! It was so pianful! I went back to my house, he went to his! My mom was so hurt! When this happened before, he had a girlfriend (mom of his child), I ignored what was happening between us and still communicated with his girlfriend and visited my nephew and he did not like that at all, when I called to apologise for any wrongI've done I will end up crying and dropping the phone becuase of the hurtful things he will say! So this time, though the wife was good to me, I just kept quite stayed at my house and did not try to contact them yet hurting.

He phoned the other half brothers telling them how bad am I and why they shouldn't associate with me and if mom keep on siding with me, they must decide which side they are on,,,this is my brother I am talking about.

Through devastation my husband went to see my stepdad to try and ask him to resolve this. He was not interested to talk to him without his son present!So now they are waiting for him to come home in August so the family can talk about this,,, my mom suggested I don't come since they will hurt me deliberately and my husband say we have to go so I can get closure on this.

I don't know, what to do hey! I am still hurting and deep down I still love my brother. I know he will not apologise to me and I am also tired of apologising for what I did not do, cause the only mistake I did I feel was to love him too much! I am just so tired! Now the painful part is my mom loves us both, she would like to see us getting along to some extent! But I feel I put in too much in this and endup being the abused one. I am the one offering my car, each time he needs a car or any kind of help.He would never!!!!!!It's like he's got this huge anger towards me, that I really can't bear!When he starts fighting with me, even his eyes and the face changes! I am scared that if I go to that meeting I might end up saying things, I might regret, things that will hurt my mom even more, for the way I grew up when things get heated up! She is diabetic so I would not like to stress her!She's been through a lot.

This is 3rd month, me and my brother have not spoken. For me though I miss him but I feel it's okay like this.He started this, the day he wants to talk to me, he will!Lat time trying to talk to him was just fuelling him.Why must we be pushed to sit down and talk, when we don't feel like it cause there is no even a stronger personality in my family that can handle this. I am always the one, handling these talks but now this is about me! My hubby though he is very strong, it's his in-laws he can't do as he please.When the other half brothers asked him the specific thing I did to him. He just go and on about how I used to report him latecoming to mom when we were staying together around 2004, how I used to treat him like a child and not respect him yet he knew we were in the city and he was under my supervision. But that all started after finding out we are half-siblings! And he always remind the other brothers that I am not even their sister! I mustn't visit their home, but go where my father is.Hey I don't know!
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  #2  
Old July 19th, 2012, 08:11 AM
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Re: My brother hates me

That is so sad, sign. My heart breaks for you.

As hard as it is, I think you need to grieve the loss of your family. It's always worse when they're still alive, but there is no resolving this unless your step-father and mother insist upon it and choose to side with you, which is the right thing to do, imo. That doesn't seem likely.

Look to your husband and child. Love them. They are your family now; your siblings and step-father and mother are extended family and are not necessary to your new family.

I hope someday you will find solace.
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  #3  
Old July 21st, 2012, 08:52 PM
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Re: My brother hates me

sounds like your brother has issues - maybe misplaced anger at the parents, but is taking it out on you

((hugs))
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Old December 4th, 2012, 01:09 AM
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Re: My brother hates me

Hello everybody, I am stuck at the moment my head is spinning. Yesterday I had it with my mom! It's just that sometimes I feel she does not have a clue of what I am going through,the hurt my step-brother and step-dad has brought me and the rejection and the low self esteem I feel sometimes. After my last thread my mom pushed my ste-dad to call a meeting where all the blame was shifted to my step brother,,, my step dad was the innocent one on this yet,, he was very much in a team with my step-brother. My step brother was very defensive and did not care how hurt I was that hurt me even more. My step dad was with his son, just buying my mom's face until the younger step brother intervened in tears! Well they respectes him! We discussed it with my mom afterwards and she realised there is no point in forcing a relationship.

Now last weekend the last born got stepped at the college and was at the point of life and death and was in hospital closer to my house. My mom came and stayed with us to be closer for visitations!Then when he came out of hospital which was two days ago, my hubby offered that we will accomodate him since he still need to go to hospital for checks ups and also finish his exams,, my mom's is far. My younger brother is 19 and is behaving like a typical 19 year old! I wouldn't have chosen to stay with him knowing what I happened when I stayed with my older step-brother. Now yesterday he did something stupid,,, leaving the house without informing anyone,, with that huge operation and the guy who stepped him being out there. I was very scared I phoned mom. She understood my concern at first but after my little brother gave her some lame explaination she took it. Now the problem is my hubby is kinda strict and wanted him to behave while still at our house. I was so scared yesterday to talk to him,, cause the whole scenario that happen between my older step brother and me,, while disciplining him and he will report me to step dad and they would agree that he should beat me up,,became so fresh in my mind. I did not know what to say to him or even to say something. I was so scared that my hubby will say something and he will end up being the wrong one as well, so my suggestion was for us to take him to mom's house so I avoid being hurt again. I shared that with my mom,, who did not receive so well as if,,, I am over sensitive,don't want his son in my house, I make issues out of nothing.

I felt so said for myself cause I am expecting her to understand my side. She knows very well her hubby (my step dad) hates me but sometimes pretend and overlook the whole thing. Since I was young,, cause they got married when I was 2,, my step dad would illtreat me,, my mom will take me back to her sister in tears even before my visit for the school holidays ends. Come next holidays,, she will forget everything and wants me to come back visit and treat step dad with love and respect as if nothing happened,, until it happens again and same scenario. I am just so fed up with this whole pretence thing,,I am not a child anymore. I don't want to be where I am not wanted. But seemingly the moment I stand up for myself I hurt my mom and she is sickly now,, I would not want to loose her at this state! I don't know what to do,, at the moment she is calling and am not answering,,I don't know what to say to her,,I am so tired of this game emotionally. I understand she wants us to be family but really,, her hubby don't like me and infuencing my step brothers so what mus I do? Keep on hurting myself by behaving as if we are normal family,,YET WE NOT!! I need to be sane for my own children's sake! Hey I don't know what to do!
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  #5  
Old December 4th, 2012, 01:39 PM
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Re: My brother hates me



Have you tried councling for you? and - make sure a councilor is a "healthy family" not a "happy families" councilor.

Something a councilor told me years ago - you have to take care of yourself first inorder to take care of your "family" (in your case your DH & kids); because if you don't take care of yourself & get stressed (etc) there is no one to fill your position




what is "stepped"? is it a type for stabbed or is that slang for something?
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Old December 5th, 2012, 02:54 AM
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Re: My brother hates me

no "stapped with a knife through his stomach! As in injured by this other teenager at the college using a knife and had his food bowel inside his stomach operated after that incident! So he was quite injured!

Thanks Snafu,,,,you think the councilling will help me in this whole drama of my life?
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Old December 5th, 2012, 02:57 AM
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Re: My brother hates me

Sorry I meant "stabbed"!
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Old December 5th, 2012, 06:33 PM
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Re: My brother hates me

I think that if you get the right councilor you can get some good techniques for dealing with your FOO


( I'm going to beat a dead horse though - make sure its someone with a "healthy family" outlook, not "go along to get along" that ends up being = to sacrafice your happiness to keep the peace)
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