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Old June 13th, 2012, 07:31 PM
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My husband had an affair and had a child, how do i deal with that?

Hi, I am 35 years old and I have been married for almost 15 years. I have 3 beautiful children. And I just confirmed my husband has a 5 yr old daughter outside of our marriage. Let me rewind for you. I'll say in 2008, I discovered some pictures of my husband cuttled up with this women, and as I looked through the pictures I see him holding a new born. I bring the pictures I discovered to his attention, of course he went into a spill about it being nothing(stupid me swept it under the rug). Years go by, woe and behold one day recently he accidently called me, not knowing, I hear a child in the background talking to him and calling him daddy, so I proceeded to record the phone conversation. I bring that to his attention and he tells me that was one of his friends children and they were playing. First of all, I don't know a man that would comfortably allow their child to call the next man daddy. So we argued about it. Just the other day I was surfing the web and i just so happen to stumble on some pictures of this little girl with my last name, and resemble my daughter, so I clicked on the picture link, and to my wondering eyes, it is the same women that was cuttled up with my husband 5 years ago, and it's the same child just bigger. and yes he too was in the pictures, celebrating her 5th birthday. Now I love my husband very much, I can possiblly forgive him for the affair, but I don't think I can forgive him for the child. I am angry, hurt, feel betrayed, part of me wants to leave, the other part wants to stay, and like i stated we have children of our own. I don't think he would have ever told me about the child, if he didn't accidently call me and me seeing the pictures and comparing the ones now and the ones 5 years ago. If there is any advise out there please provide. I have being praying everyday for God to give me strength not to burn him with hot grits or oil and water. I want him to feel pain, he is not being open with me as I feel he should be. I don't know what to do at this point. I have reached out to the other women, but of course she has not responded back, cause I have a million questions that needs answers. I can not tell friends or family, I am not up for being judged.

Last edited by KayKay; June 13th, 2012 at 07:40 PM. Reason: remove links
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Old June 13th, 2012, 09:58 PM
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Re: My husband had an affair and had a child, how do i deal with that?

Hi robin623. I'm really sorry for your situation. I'm struggling to come up with good advice for you, but this is a tough one.

You have every right to feel hurt and betrayed. I don't blame you at all. If it were just a question of another woman, it'd be a lot easier. But there is an innocent child involved. While your husband has been horrible to you (and your kids), I do admire that he is trying to be a daddy to his child. I hope whatever happens that that child (who didn't ask to be born in these circumstances) is not the one who is made to suffer.

About the only thing I can give you advice on is that I think you need to be discussing this with your husband instead of the other woman. I know it'd be practically impossible to not be mad or accusing or any other emotion that is justifiable, but I think your situation requires a very honest talk about what is going on. My guess is that this has been a long-time, ongoing affair and his loyalties are torn. (I'm not excusing him, just trying to imagine what he feels). I wonder if the other woman was unaware that he was married?
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Old June 14th, 2012, 05:13 AM
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Re: My husband had an affair and had a child, how do i deal with that?

You wouldn't be the first person to discover her husband has another family through FB links. You can't make any decisions without knowing what is going on, and he's not telling you. Rather than going through the other woman, or your DH who appears to be a lying liar who lies a lot, consider getting a PI to get the facts. Then you can a decision based on facts, not on lies or feelings.

Good luck.
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Old June 14th, 2012, 01:35 PM
newdaydawning newdaydawning is offline
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Re: My husband had an affair and had a child, how do i deal with that?

My heart goes out to you and the difficult situation you are now facing. It must be devastating to make the discovery of an affair and a child after five years. There are no easy answers to this situation.

Last edited by LucyVanPelt; June 14th, 2012 at 01:43 PM. Reason: spam
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Old June 19th, 2012, 07:49 AM
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Re: My husband had an affair and had a child, how do i deal with that?

Robin - how are you doing? ((hugs))



I have no advise for you, wish I did.
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Old June 22nd, 2012, 08:08 AM
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Re: My husband had an affair and had a child, how do i deal with that?

Quote:
Now I love my husband very much, I can possiblly forgive him for the affair, but I don't think I can forgive him for the child.
I'm sure your husband knows you love him very much too. Forgiveness is a good thing, but there's no gain in being played for a fool.

Sometimes you have to just look at the facts and when a persons emotions get involved it just compunds the frustration and you can't see which way is up or down, left or right.

Quote:
...in 2008, I discovered some pictures of my husband cuttled up with this women, and as I looked through the pictures I see him holding a new born.
You accepted his explanation and swept it under the rug (truth: you were hoping his explanation was true).

Quote:
...one day recently he accidently called me, not knowing, I hear a child in the background talking to him and calling him daddy,
You hear a child in the background calling him "daddy." I had a kid once tell me he wished I was his daddy, but never had a kid that wasn't my kid call me daddy.

Quote:
I clicked on the picture link, and to my wondering eyes, it is the same women that was cuttled up with my husband 5 years ago, and it's the same child just bigger. and yes he too was in the pictures, celebrating her 5th birthday.
Quote:
I have reached out to the other women, but of course she has not responded back,
She knows about you. Does she want your husband? Maybe, maybe not.

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I can not tell friends or family, I am not up for being judged.
You're going to have to talk to someone who can be objective and supportive.

Hmmm... Not trying to be sarcastic, but I wonder what my wife would do if I decided to get a gal on the side and father a kid with her?

I think she would take my ***** to the cleaners.
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Old July 19th, 2012, 12:16 PM
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Re: My husband had an affair and had a child, how do i deal with that?

Hi Robin, so sorry for what you are going through. Maybe a few sessions with a counselor or trusted clergy - person would help you.
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Old July 28th, 2012, 07:31 AM
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Re: My husband had an affair and had a child, how do i deal with that?

Wow I'm sorry you are going through this

Okay here is what I'd seriously do: ask him about it, why he didn't tell you about this "birthday party" he went to, then ask how it was, who's kid it is (as in what family is that, I don't recall meeting them), then ask what he got the child for her birthday, and then ask to meet this wonderful family, of course he wouldn't go over unless it was a great family to meet/be friend with (pretend like you don't know sh*t). Seeee what he saysss!!! Dontttt bring up anything for a very very long time. Then say, I could almost swear she looks like your brother(or dad, or someone in his family), and ask, are you sure you are not related (and laugh at this sarcastically). See his reaction, and hopefully u can arrange to talk to him about this in front of the other woman. Okay let's say it is his kid and all that, 1) file for divorce right away 2) prepare your own children for the news 3) talk to the b*tch annd see if she knew about u, when she found out about u, etc... And 4) to finish it all off, spill acid on his face so no other !*tch would ever consider sleeping with him

I'm sorry about the language and the horrific imagery but that just angery me. This is how I deal with my anger, I don't have patience to wait around for "karma to strike them back". P.s. Don't seriously do the acid thing lol, but absolutly scr*w him up in every single way immaginable. Take all his money, work out taking the house (and do that soon before you kill him, because once he is dead then the house gets split evenly, meaning a portion goes to that little girl). Don't allow him to see your kids (unless the kids want to see their dad). And lastly: spray paint his car with "cheaterr", slash his tires, and make sure to embarrase him in front of his wholeeeee family, starting with his mommy that raised him sooo well p.s. Did his dad ever cheat on his wife?

I donno, seriously, this would be too much, and listen that 5 year old girl is not to blame for anything, its not her fault she has stupid idiotic parents MAKE SUREEEE you don't bring anything up around your kids untill you speak with you ex/"husband" and he admits that its his kid. Also, say u want the kids to get a DNA test if he says it's not his, also, how did you not notice 500-800$ each month missing for child support he was paying?

I wish you allll the best, good luck with what ever you plan on doing (I was joking about the acid, and spray painting his car, and slashing tires, but just a thought
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Old November 8th, 2012, 06:09 PM
Matterofopinion Matterofopinion is offline
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Re: My husband had an affair and had a child, how do i deal with that?

Robin, I haven't experienced this first hand, but I have worked with people on healing marriages after an affair.

First, the main problem I see with moving forward is that your husband kept this a secret from you. I understand it was a very big secret, however for any marriage to heal from infidelity, the ability to trust again has to be slowly restored. Also, a wife (in your case) needs to be reassured from her husband that he fully understands the implications and impact his affair has had ON HER and he has heard her.

I think for you to move forward your husband needs to first realize the extend of his betrayal, must tell you so and mean it, then must understand the impact this child will have on YOUR life for the remainder of your life, or however long the two of you are married. If he can honestly and openly address these issues with you, you can start to rebuild in a healthier manner.

Once you've gotten over that very large hurdle and you feel that he has assured you he understands the impact, he has agreed to be monogamous and you can start to feel as though you can trust him according to his ACTIONS (be available and not hiding anything, phone records, internet records, etc) then you need to work on how this child will interact and how this child's mother will communicate with the both of you, moving forward.

Your husband has chosen to be in this child's life, which I commend, because while he definitely has a financial obligation until the child is 18 yrs old, he also has an emotional one on a moral level. If he hasn't already, get a lawyer involved in terms of child support payments so he does not have to continually deal directly with the mother of this child through personal phone calls and such, and they can keep visitation communication on a less personal, more restructured level.

And lastly, if you haven't already, get counseling for yourself, alone. You need to work through the "trigger" issue this child will present, even if your marriage is healing and getting better as the years go by, this child will always remind you of the affair. You can work through that and heal from that, but first it must be addressed.

Best of luck to you. Life isn't perfect, human beings certainly aren't perfect, but with love all things can be resolved and healed.
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Old November 16th, 2012, 03:22 AM
vivahzone vivahzone is offline
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Re: My husband had an affair and had a child, how do i deal with that?

Hi,
I feel so sad. why he did like this. you have some options 1st accept that baby, leave that lady, or if you able leave him. Its very crucial to handle the situation. That's why people should think before marriage. better you can contact with some adviser who can really help you.
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