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Old December 22nd, 2011, 06:41 AM
Karina Karina is offline
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Money, husband, and stepson

Hi everyone,
Someone please give me an opinion. My husband and I have been married for 6 years and I have a 9 year old stepson. After all this time I have suggested to my husband that we save some cash for another home or for our own child when the time comes. Although I do get along with my stepson, I can't see myself working 3 jobs to buy him toys birthday presents, and vacations ( I do buy him things on my own). The money we would be saving is for a home and emergencies. My husband insists that I am shutting my stepson out, meanwhile he has a college fund set up for his son which already contains a good amount of money for him. He has a mother who also supports him and does an excellent job. If my husband wants to save for him he can just open up another account specifically for his sons needs. Am I wrong to even suggest to my husband to save money for our future (which technically is for his son also because he would be living with us and our money would house him etc) banning him from using the money to buy his son things like toys etc? Sorry for rambling! Opinions please!
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Old December 22nd, 2011, 07:03 AM
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Re: Money, husband, and stepson

I have one question, Does your step son live with you or his mom?
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Old December 22nd, 2011, 09:27 AM
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Re: Money, husband, and stepson

Did you and your husband talk about how he understood his (financial and otherwise) obligations to his child AND if he actually was in a position to be financially responsible for a home and future with his wife, too? This would be a hard topic to have because it is deeply emotional, but it should happen.

His first financial priority must be his son's well being, but that must be balanced with planning for your future, too. One day, the son will be grown and it will be just DH and you.

You would be wrong to "ban" him from spending money he's earned on his child that he feels is necessary as his father. And that wouldn't be an effective approach, either.

My suggestion is to sit down together with a good budget planner (Dave Ramsey's books are well recommended) and commit to a budget together. Include money to be saved for his son, money to be saved for your future, and "fun" money for both of you to spend as you will. Then if DH and/or you want to buy a little something extra for the child, it doesn't come from the bills or savings.

Good luck! A good marriage is built on how we resolve our conflicts!
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Old December 22nd, 2011, 10:08 AM
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Re: Money, husband, and stepson

Quote:
Originally Posted by Karina View Post
Although I do get along with my stepson, I can't see myself working 3 jobs to buy him toys birthday presents, and vacations ( I do buy him things on my own).

After re reading your post (several times) I am gathering that your step son lives with you. If this is not the case I am sorry, because what I have to say is based on him living with you.
First a little about me. My oldest son is not my Biological son (he is 20 now). I met him and his mom when he was 2 weeks old, we were living together by the time he was 1 year old, a year after His mom and I got married I adopted him. To me He is every bit my son just as much as my other kids. Now I realize that this is different than your situation but the quoted section of your post bothered me and every time I read your post that part sticks out like a sore thumb.
If he was your son could you see yourself buying him toys birthday presents, and vacations? You see though he is not your real son if you treat him different then you would treat your real kids, he will see that and know that. I think it would be better if you love him and treat him like he was your own.
Like I said above My situation is different, so maybe I am wrong on my thoughts.
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Old December 22nd, 2011, 10:36 AM
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Re: Money, husband, and stepson

I agree with Swiss. As written, it sounds like you haven't wholeheartedly accepted your parenting role. I'm so sorry if you married your husband on the understanding that he was only a very part time father.
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Old December 22nd, 2011, 11:23 AM
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Re: Money, husband, and stepson

(my BG: I have a step-daughter whose DM passed away. )


I need more information before I offer an opinion

- do the two of you have a budget
- how much is spent on toys/vacations for DSS (ie 10% of income) as opposed to family
- where is DSS's mom/how involved is she/her family
- what was you'r DH's life style before you married
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Old December 23rd, 2011, 07:33 AM
Karina Karina is offline
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Re: Money, husband, and stepson

Hi everyone,
I want to thank you all for your quick responses. I also would like to apologize if I come off as a terrible stepmother because I am not. This forum is new to me, and I have yet to learn how to get all my feelings out on here, as well as explain them clearly. This is a bit difficult for me. So again, I apologize for the rambling.
To answer some questions, my stepson legally is only supposed to be with us every other weekend. But we have him everyday until early evening as well as every other weekend. My husband's ex girlfriend gets along with us all, so that is a plus. My husband does pay her child support as well. The arrangement to keep him everyday was so his mother could work full time as well, and I do not have a problem with this at all. I enjoy having him with us often, as does my husband.
As far as budget, when my husband and I got married we had a plan, but because of the amount of money I get paid it hasn't panned out very well. I am trying to change that now.
I just want to stress the fact that I am not banning my husband from spending money on his son. I guess the problem is I am not a spoiler. I see gifts fit when earned. My husband is a bit different. I just want to have some sort of savings with my husband that would be strictly for a home ,emergencies, or for my biological child if the time comes. My stepson has that. I have no problem having another account meant for spending on his son which I would contribute to when I have the funds. Maybe I just feel as if there is no planning for another child which is something I am looking forward to.
I do accept my stepson and love him to death, maybe I am still learning how to do it whole heartedly though. I am trying and all your help is much much appreciated.
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Old December 23rd, 2011, 08:16 AM
Karina Karina is offline
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Re: Money, husband, and stepson

And Lucy, thank you, your plan may get us somewhere! Makes alot of sense!
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Old December 23rd, 2011, 08:42 AM
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Re: Money, husband, and stepson

Sorry I haven't replied, but I was a little confused about what was going on - what the level of gifts from your DH was, and the situation. I was waiting for your responses to some of the questions.

The thing that stands out to me is that your DH might have a different "Love Language" than you do. I'm too lazy right now to look up where that phrase comes from, but basically there are four (five?) different ways that people express their love. Some people express it by spending time, some people express it by giving gifts. (There are others, but those are the two that I remember). In my family, my husband and daughter are the "gift" people. DH expresses his love by giving presents, and my DD is more thrilled by the candy bar I buy at the grocery store than the HOURS I spend doing activities with her that she likes. My DS and I are the "time" people. Both of us would rather have time with someone we love than a material good. Recognizing each other's different styles has been very helpful.

It sounds to me like your DH might be a gift-giver. Do you think that's true?
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Old December 23rd, 2011, 09:33 AM
Karina Karina is offline
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Re: Money, husband, and stepson

Hi KayKay,
To me, he is much more of a spoiler. Where the difference between us is this. I buy my stepson things for his birthday and Christmas. When he receives a good report card, or has been exceptionally cooperative and on his best behavior for some time thats when I buy him something. I tend to reward only good behavior. My husband has gotten better, but in the past has punished him for bad behavior then bought him something the very next day. So yes, behavioral issues with his son is also a factor at times.
But I have even mentioned spending a bit less on all of us for the holidays in the future. I could care less if I received a present. Instead of spending $500 on his son for Christmas, how about $200. Maybe it is just me, but I was raised in a poor household and always appreciated the 2 little gifts I received versus 20 presents under the tree.

But I do understand what you are saying about "Love Language". My husband does not know how to express his feelings verbally in many instances. So it would make sense that he chooses to buy his son things. I on the other hand like spending time and talking.
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