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Old February 16th, 2010, 06:46 AM
Namaste Namaste is offline
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Adult female friendship advice

Hello All,
New here. Glad I found the site. Usually I am concerned with an adult child and setting boundaries but recently a good friend has decided to change the terms of our relationship. I am married and somewhat of an introvert when it comes to socializing and having 'girlfriends'. Unless I'm active in purpose related project or organization that supports relationships, I'm usually content on my own. I have a few other women friends that I love dearly, but the friendship is based on mutual respect, and we don't bring particular needs to the relationship.We enjoy eachother when and if we make connections.

This friend is much more extraverted and an initiator and is very good at calling every week or so. Lately she has taken it personally if it was not convenient or if I didn't want to talk. She feels empowered by telling me how she feels, but what it feels like is that she is giving me an ultimatum for the relationship..she wants me to initiate calls more, be more available, and frankly, it's not likely to happen. I'm friends with her because I enjoy our friendship as it is and I don't expect anything from her. I've seen her be this way in other relationships and end them. Consequently she tends to be alone and lonely.

Am I wrong to expect her to accept me for who and how I am and for me to expect her to remember that she chose to be in relationship with me and that if she wants to talk weekly or frequently, that she should probably expect to be the initiator because I really don't have the need to connect that frequently.

Your thoughts would be appreciated,
Thank you,
Dianne
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  #2  
Old February 16th, 2010, 09:23 AM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: Adult female friendship advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by Namaste View Post
Am I wrong to expect her to accept me for who and how I am
Short answer: No.

I'm pressed for time right now, but I'll get back with deeper thoughts later. Just wanted to make sure you got a response.
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  #3  
Old February 16th, 2010, 02:33 PM
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Re: Adult female friendship advice

You're not wrong. However, what did she say when she told you how she felt? Does she feel that she's the only one who initates things?

This may be a case of two good people who are different with different expectations. Just as we outgrow friends when we are kids, we can outgrow them as adults.


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  #4  
Old February 17th, 2010, 12:36 AM
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Lizzie Lizzie is offline
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Re: Adult female friendship advice

When I was younger I expected a lot from my friends as I had no sisters and just the
one brother I felt a bit alone. It often caused conflict. Most of my pals had sisters and
other close family members and often were busy, busy.

Now that I am older I have learned to accept whatever my friends have to offer as long
as I enjoy their company, I am good at ignoring any short falls I think exist as I rather
keep the friendship alive once of course there is nothing offensive going on!

There will always be people who are great at taking the initative to make contact and others
who will be slower.

In tbis world ,it is my belief, that it is impossible to have a lot of really close friends...often
people will really be more like aquaintainces....if you have the one or two really special people
in your life you are honoured.

Thank God I have two wonderful people and many other friends that I can allow happily float that bit more!!

We all expect different things from frindships
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Old February 17th, 2010, 05:58 AM
dendah dendah is offline
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Re: Adult female friendship advice

True hey Lizzie, I am also not good at initiating contacts but and I have 2 real friends who accept me the way I am! I can stay for the 2 weeks not talking to them, when they or I call we just connect!

So Dan don't feel bad, you not alone galfriend!
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Old February 17th, 2010, 06:18 AM
Alaa27 Alaa27 is offline
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Re: Adult female friendship advice

I understand your situation because I was in the same one & I'm Kind of introvert like you
I think you should tell her that you don't want your relationship to be like this or
make her feel like that , put boundaries between the two of you
If that's okay with her , great
If not then you shouldn't be friends I think because you have different expectations in this relationship
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  #7  
Old February 20th, 2010, 04:43 AM
Namaste Namaste is offline
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Re: Adult female friendship advice

Thank you everyone. When my friend let me know how she felt, she went the 'extra mile' to apologize for not telling me sooner (as if it would have made a difference). She also said that if I wanted to talk to her, to call her, inferring that she wouldn't call until I did...all of which felt a bit controlling. We discussed this a bit as well. We are having lunch with a couple of other friends in a week or so and I will feel a bit awkward. I really don't want to talk to her right now because it's been a disappointment, and a little painful that she pulled this on us when I really believed she is acting out of fear about relationships in general..and like everyone has said, that she has expectations for this relationship that I cannot and am not interested in trying to fulfill. I can let the relationship go, it's still a little painful.

Thank you all for responding..I'm sorry I didn't communicate right away. I've been dealing one of my cats. She was almost 20 years old and I had to have her put to sleep this week. Sad too.

Namaste'
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Old February 20th, 2010, 07:47 AM
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Lizzie Lizzie is offline
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Re: Adult female friendship advice

So sorry about the cat...I had one too for 19yrs,,,she was older than the kids

Maybe give another little one a home soon?? They so much need homes and you
will grow to love it too...look at me...I ended up with 3 after the old cat died!!!

Sorry about the friedship...if you could just take the friendship for what it is but it sounds
like your friend needs a lot more.
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