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Old April 9th, 2008, 09:35 PM
lv3313 lv3313 is offline
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adult daughter driving me crazy!

My daughter is 41 a single mom of 2 boys age 11 and 5.
She depends on me for everything that goes wrong in her life. I have helped her raise the oldest boy, of course, he and his mom do not get along. I have given her a place to live in my mom's house and she only has to pay for the utilities, She calls me everytime something goes wrong, even discipline with the boys and then the oldes calls me crying about his mom. And now on top of all this, she was diagnosed with breast cancer in Dec. and I have helped her through Chemo( she's actually doing good) and now comes radiation/ Because I have done so much for her, I have caused problems with the other siblings and my husband as well, who is her stepfather..I don't know how I make her understand I have had enough and she needs to grow up and take on the responsibilites for herself. Any suggestions out there???
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Old April 9th, 2008, 11:52 PM
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Re: adult daughter driving me crazy!

Quote:
Originally Posted by lv3313 View Post
My daughter is 41 a single mom of 2 boys age 11 and 5.
She depends on me for everything that goes wrong in her life. I have helped her raise the oldest boy, of course, he and his mom do not get along. I have given her a place to live in my mom's house and she only has to pay for the utilities, She calls me everytime something goes wrong, even discipline with the boys and then the oldes calls me crying about his mom. And now on top of all this, she was diagnosed with breast cancer in Dec. and I have helped her through Chemo( she's actually doing good) and now comes radiation/ Because I have done so much for her, I have caused problems with the other siblings and my husband as well, who is her stepfather..I don't know how I make her understand I have had enough and she needs to grow up and take on the responsibilites for herself. Any suggestions out there???
That's great that you could do so much for your daughter. Good for you. And everyone must be delighted that she is battling the cancer so well.

If i've read this right, apart from the recent health issues, her biggest ongoing problem is her parenting skills or lack of them.

Perhaps your best way to help her at the moment would be to get her to enrol in parenting classes or seminars. If she gets on top of her boys' behaviour, she might get the confidence to deal with some of the other things. Good luck.
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Old April 10th, 2008, 05:51 AM
1dilwhosreal 1dilwhosreal is offline
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Re: adult daughter driving me crazy!

I agree with Mrs. X; parenting classes, especially as the boys become teens, would be invaluable.

You've probably come to realize that you've enabled her dependence on you all these years. Why? Is there something in the background that you feel guilty about that should be addressed?

If there's no real reason for the enabling, then the best way to get it to stop is to tell your DD that she's healthy, you have every confidence in the world that she's going to be alright, and that you're turning her life back over to her. Then don't take it back at the first sign of trouble. Let her struggle. That's where her confidence and strength will build.

Your new job will be to help her get back up, not prevent her from falling.

Good luck.
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Old April 10th, 2008, 05:26 PM
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Re: adult daughter driving me crazy!

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Originally Posted by lv3313 View Post
I don't know how I make her understand I have had enough and she needs to grow up and take on the responsibilites for herself. Any suggestions out there???
Hi lv3313,
I don't know that you can make her understand; you just have to do. It sounds like you have been her safety net for a long time. She needs to learn to fly without the net- something she has to learn on her own.

You are right that your relationship with your daughter shouldn't be a negative influence on the other relationships in your life, especially with your husband and especially at this point in your life.

Obviously you should be a mental support for your daughter while she is battling cancer. I'm sure this has been difficult for the entire family. It's good to hear she's doing well.

I think the short answer is "No".

Example:

DD: Mom, I need you to xyz.....
YOU: No. Sorry, I can't, you need to do that for yourself.
DD: Mom, can you please.....
YOU: No. That's your responsiblity. I love you, but you need to take care of that on your own.

I know it's easier said than done and I certainly can't claim to have been in your shoes. But, I do wish you and your family good luck. Strength to you and your daughter during this difficult time.
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Old April 10th, 2008, 11:49 PM
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Re: adult daughter driving me crazy!

Quote:
Originally Posted by lv3313 View Post
My daughter is 41 a single mom of 2 boys age 11 and 5.
She depends on me for everything that goes wrong in her life. I have helped her raise the oldest boy, of course, he and his mom do not get along. I have given her a place to live in my mom's house and she only has to pay for the utilities, She calls me everytime something goes wrong, even discipline with the boys and then the oldes calls me crying about his mom. And now on top of all this, she was diagnosed with breast cancer in Dec. and I have helped her through Chemo( she's actually doing good) and now comes radiation/ Because I have done so much for her, I have caused problems with the other siblings and my husband as well, who is her stepfather..I don't know how I make her understand I have had enough and she needs to grow up and take on the responsibilites for herself. Any suggestions out there???
I can't tell you how deeply this struck a chord with me. I have a BF who is 55 years old whose family is completely, utterly, 100% dependent on her. It is painful to watch. She gets taken advantage of beyond belief and CAN'T SAY NO. None of her three kids and six GC (all adults) are gainfully employed; she works cleaning houses to make ends meet. Her DH had an incapacitating stroke last year and she's his sole care provider. Her kids/GC can't be bothered to help her. They have their own lives... but can she give them $10 for gas or watch their kids for the weekend? And btw, what's for dinner?

I can't tell you how painful it is to watch.

About the only thing I can suggest is that you first have to examine your role in all of this. As previous posters said... you have been enabling her. Why is that?

As a parent, we love our kids soooooooo much that we keep wanting to protect them. But in the long run, they end up being 41 year old single moms with 2 kids who rely on us too much for their own good. Is there some reason that you *don't* want to push her out of the nest? Do you have any feelings of guilt?

She has to be an adult so she can teach her KIDS to be adults. And the only way she'll learn to be an adult is if YOU teach her. And since she is 41 years old, you can TELL her that.

You say she comes to you with all of her problems. She started that at birth, you know. Well, you'll have to wean her. Since I don't know specifically how things go (you didn't give examples) I can't offer specific advice.

I'm interested to know a couple of things... first, you said that *you* have given her a place to stay in your mom's house? Is your M still alive?

Second, you say you have caused problems with the other siblings and your DH. No doubt! What are their suggestions?
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Old April 11th, 2008, 01:07 PM
lv3313 lv3313 is offline
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Re: adult daughter driving me crazy!

I am lv3313 and my mom is an a nursing home, so that is why we let her and the kids move in there. Everyone has given me some very good advice that I appreciate so much, it helps so much to hear from different angles on this problem. so keep them coming!!!
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