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  #1  
Old February 5th, 2015, 09:44 AM
slr0031 slr0031 is offline
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Unhappy Anger with mother

My am an adult. My family situation is a bit complicated, I will try and make it short and to the point. My dad had an affair when I was 15 and left and married the woman and they had a child when I was 17. the woman's husband and my mom ended up getting together and they are married now. My step mom and step dad who are both married to my mom and dad had 2 kids between them. Fast forward we are all grown up now. I do not have a good relationship with my half sister and though I do not dislike my step siblings it has always been awkward for me and I am not close to them. The half sister and step siblings are close. The step siblings live in the same town as my step dad and mom and are at their house all the time and we live hours away. They are all close. I would like to get along with them better but feel very left out. I am struggling with visits there. We visit every few months or more. I do not enjoy being at the house I grew up in for the holidays or visits with their family because I don't feel comfortable. I try my best to be as pleasant as possible but it is tough.

The last few years there has been a lot of tension with me and my mom. There are many reasons for it. This last time we had one of our worst arguments. I reacted to something she said about how she couldn't get me out of the house when I was a teen and she was joking about it. I felt hurt because I felt very alone when the divorce first happened and did not feel I had good support. My mom's husband moved in a year after my dad left with his kids. I get along with him now but back then he completely ignored me. The focus was on him and his kids. I did feel they wanted me out the house as soon as I graduated and when I left she took my housekey. I was not a teen who got in trouble, I never did anything so that is not why. They just wanted there own life.

Unfortunately the pattern has continued into my adult life. I do not feel supported my mom. She is a good mom but when I have tried to talk to her about how I feel about the divorce and the family she does not want to hear it. I don't talk to her about it anymore. I have moved 4 times with my husband and children and have felt so alone. She has not been supportive with that ether. meanwhile I have watched the way she is with the 2 step kids and she seems very supportive to them. I think she has more comfortable and easier relations with them than with me and it hurts. My mother has been a gain in there lives, as their mother has a lot of problems. I am glad she has been a positive person for them but am resentful that our relationship has suffered so and everything in her eyes is my fault. So it is getting harder for me to be around all of them. I feel awful. I did not ever want to be this way. I don't want to hold onto anger for pride I just don't know what to do with my emotions. I hate the person I am in this family. The angry, broken fragile weird one. I always feel like something is wrong with me. I don't think their perceptions of me will ever change and I don't know how to not care about that. I feel they just humor me, it feels like a fake facade. They are nice because I am there but I am definitely an outsider.

My mom asked me if I upset her and I told her the comment hurt my feelings. We got into a big argument. I felt she was immediately aggravated and defensive and I did not want to talk her anymore. She told me I was a recluse back them. She began screaming at me in front of my young children and told me to stop acting like a freak. I left and I don't know where to go from here. I am angry, hurt and also really embarrassed by this.

My husband doesn't stay at my mom's anymore so I am there typically by myself with all of them. He doesn't like my mom and thinks I shouldn't stay there anymore. I love my mom and she is not always like that. She also does very nice things for me and I feel bad about the way I feel about her and the rest of the family. I don't want to not stay there anymore for the sake of my kids because they love her but obviously I don't want that happen again. I feel like it is completely up to me as I don't feel heard by her and I don't know how to deal with the situation.

I am looking for advice about how to keep myself in check when I feel angry about that is going on. I don't know how to have the best relationship with my mom that I can.
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Old February 5th, 2015, 10:38 AM
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Re: Anger with mother

I think you should listen to your husband, who is a firsthand witness to the situation and has your best interests and those of your children at heart.

You need to take a break from being with your mother.

Let me ask you something that my husband asked me once (related to similar feelings about my sisters)... Do you feel that your relationship with your mother prevents you from being the best mom you can be to your kids? Don't use your emotional energy on your mom - use it on your kids. It sounds to me like your mom used her emotional energy on your stepdad and stepsiblings instead of on you when you were a teenager. Don't repeat that.
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Old February 5th, 2015, 01:01 PM
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Smile Re: Anger with mother

Hi slr0031

I think you should take a break from your Mum and I would even write her a letter or email,stating exactly how you feel. That way its in her face and she has to take in what you are saying....but for now I would keep away from her for a while. I think like a child she cant be rewarded for bad behavier, if you just go back there she gets away with it. You have lovely kids and a caring husband to concentrate on, give your valuable time to them instead.

Parents do sometimes behave badly, I know I set mine free years ago, its not a reflection on us children personally,and decided their own selfish choices were their own,and I would make my own family and make it a good one, I never looked back.

Last edited by Catwoman; February 5th, 2015 at 01:06 PM.
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Old February 6th, 2015, 11:24 AM
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Re: Anger with mother

I agree with the others, and particularly like Catwoman's "setting them free". If your younger sister is grown up, you must be at least in your mid-30s, high time you stopped feeling chained to them. Good luck!
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Old February 8th, 2015, 01:33 PM
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Re: Anger with mother

I know my husband has my best interest at heart but he also doesn't like my mom and is really negative. I feel he is encouraging me to cut ties with her and that makes me mad also. I know I am part of the problem because of my emotions about the family situation and i feel bad. I love my mom but I am so angry at her also. And yes I am in my late thirties and I don't see this situation changing a lot. I want to concentrate on my husband and children but feel guilty and unhappy when I don't get along and talk to my parents.
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Old February 8th, 2015, 04:39 PM
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Re: Anger with mother

Dont feel guilty when you dont get on with your family, you know its not your fault, your Mum is the problem, part of letting go of pain I discovered is letting other people own their behavier. It stops you wondering why they did what they did to you.....I know Ive been there for many years with parents who never gave a dam about me all my life, who were alcoholics and were kidding themselves they did.....I used to wonder "why me?".....why did I have such bad luck and bad treatment?.....only in my 40s, I then I realised it happened because they chose a bad path and made bad decisions......now I dont wonder,and I dont feel guilty at all.....it doesnt stop you caring....but you can get on with your life... your husband and your kids deserve your time more than anyone else,try not to blame your husband hes on your side.....

Last edited by Catwoman; February 8th, 2015 at 04:43 PM.
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Old February 8th, 2015, 06:56 PM
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Re: Anger with mother

I know its hard and (((hugs)))
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Old February 10th, 2015, 09:24 AM
slr0031 slr0031 is offline
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Re: Anger with mother

Thanks. I do feel guilty because I don't know it is not my fault. I know it is not all my fault but it feels like a good part is because of the way I react to the situation. It feels like the entire family thinks the problems are my fault because as I said the rest of them get along. I am a black sheep. My mom is not a terrible person. She has her faults but I know she loves me and she is not an alcoholic or something. I will have to talk to her at some point and I really don't know what to say. I don't really think it even matters.
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Old February 12th, 2015, 11:26 PM
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Re: Anger with mother

I'm in no position to give advice as I'm in similar struggles myself with my sisters. I can't control my emotions either and I'm an outsider too!
I just want to say you are not alone. I truly understand the way you feel! If you want to compare stories or just need someone to listen, I will. Maybe we could help each other.
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Old March 3rd, 2015, 08:31 AM
slr0031 slr0031 is offline
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Re: Anger with mother

Thanks Kaylee's mom. I wrote you a private message.

I am now not communicating with ether of my parents. I wrote my dad a short email telling him I don't know why he hasn't called me in months and why he didn't call me to tell me my grandfather passed away. No response in over a week. Not really surprised and I am all right with it.
I also have gotten into another awful argument with my mother. (parents are divorced) I ended up telling her I felt ignored when I lived at home and my step dad moved in. I felt like the focus was on him and his family and to this day I get very little quality time with her. I also told her she should not tell me negative things about my dad anymore and it hurt me when she was screaming at me in front of my children. All these things are true but we don't talk about them and it hurt her to hear these things. I don't know if it was the right thing to tell her those things. On one hand it felt good to speak the truth but I also feel selfish. I don't really think it will ever be the same between us. I don't know when we will talk again. We have both concluded it may be better if I stay at a hotel and come to visit instead of staying there the entire time. Actually this was her idea a while ago because she did not like the coming and going of us back and forth to see them and my husbands parents when she has to go to bed early for work which I understand. I feel like it is going to be really awkward between me and the step family now and any chance I had to be closer to them is probably gone. Some days I feel really sad and other days I am feeling better. I don't know how to be completely happy not having a good relationship with my parents. But I am trying.
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