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Old September 3rd, 2012, 09:20 AM
samanfajx samanfajx is offline
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Unhappy 22 yr old needs your help...Please help me!!

Hi all,

Sorry this is so long lol, I hope you can give me some advice.

I'm having a bit of a 'mare at the moment regarding my dad. Let me give you a bit of background just so you know... Im 22, my parents divorced when I was 9, I lived with my mum and saw my dad every other weekend. Until my mum and I moved away when I was about 14. So from that age the only time I really got to see my dad was when I had the money for the train - as he never bothered to come to me.
He has since re-married and has 4 beautiful children; whom I adore, with his wife. I am now engaged, and am living with my fiance 20 minutes up the road from my Dad.

Now the problem. My dad has never really made an 'effort' with me, he never cam to see me in shows at college (even tho I used to offer to buy him the ticket, and pay for him to stay in a hotel), He never really showed an interest in anything i did, and as i mentioned before - i always had to get the train to see him, he never bothered to come and see me. However, the last 4-5 years I feel as if my relationship with my dad has got worse. The only time he contacts me is to ask me to babysit his kids. Im not exagerating this - everytime he phones me he will ask how i am etc and then we'll chat for about 5 minutes, then just as we're about to say bye, he will ask me to babysit. I adore my brothers and sisters so always say yes, but then as soon as the babysitting is done, i wont hear from him again until he needs me to babysit again! I text him and contact him on facebook etc, but I very rarely get a reply. He didnt even phone to wish my fiance a happy birthday the otherday.
When im round there, he barely talks to me and hardly seems interested in anything I have to say - he will be very short with me and if im honest, make me feel uncomfortable. So half the time I just keep my mouth shut.

The other week, we were at a family party and were discussing going on a family holiday next year (we're a big family, so its a big deal) My fiance and I stood in front of my dad and his wife and said how excited we were and couldnt wait for it to all be booked - so they clearly knew we wanted to come. Anyway, yesterday I find out the holiday has now been booked and paid for. My dad hasnt asked us if we wanted to come (even though he already knew this) instead, he asked me if i would house sit and look after the dog whilst theyre away - what a cheek! He knew we wanted to go - would it have hurt him to ask us or inform us that they were booking it? I over heard my step mum say that the holiday was costing them around 2500. And i can't help but feel a hint of sadness, as my dad told me only 2 months ago that he wouldnt be contributing towards my wedding costs as he didnt have any money - but enough money to go on holiday? Is that more important?

I rarely get invited to family occasions, as my dad always 'forgets' to tell me theyre happening. He didnt even bother to tell me that a family member had passed away last year. I only found out when my cousin told me he was going to the funeral - another thing I wasn't invited to.

I recently found out that I wouldnt be able to have children, when I told my dad - he didnt seem to care. He hasnt since asked how my treatments been going, or my hospital appointments etc - to be honest he's probably forgotten.

As I said its been like this for a good few years now, and its beginning to make me question if its really worth fighting for a relationship that clearly has long gone. I have tried speaking to him about it, but he's just not interested in having the conversation with me and to be honest I dont feel comfortable talking to my dad about things, it definatly isnt a 'father daughter' relationship.

Can anyone give me any advice on this? Should I just give up? Or is there another way I can overcome this and try and get our relationship back... although I cant help feel that ship sailed along time ago.
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Old September 3rd, 2012, 09:28 AM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: 22 yr old needs your help...Please help me!!

samanfajx, welcome. You sound like a delightful daughter and sister.

I'm sorry about your dad. I'm sorry you're so hurt and that he doesn't make an effort. He clearly doesn't want, or even doesn't know how, to have a relationship with you. He's very self-centered and you can't change that.

I say to let the ship sail away. Keep in touch with your brothers and sisters, babysit if you want to, keep in touch with your step-mum if she's good to you, and focus on being with your fiance and your treatments.

(((hugs))))
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