Go Back   Friends and Family Forum > The Family Forum > All Grown Up

All Grown Up A place to discuss "adult" children.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old March 22nd, 2009, 05:25 PM
Boofy Boofy is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 19
Boofy is on a distinguished road
30 year old baby stepdaughter

I have been remarried for three years to a man with a 30 year old daughter who would rather play than work. My husband and I moved into another home, and his daughter was going to stay in his other house and pay rent. Hah! My husband pays the mortgage on the house, her cable, utilities, provides her with a car, fixes everything that goes wrong,well, you get the picture. She pays nothing, but uses the money she does have to shop!! She quit the job she did have to move out of state, and we had made arrangements to sell the house.We are both retired, and could use the money. Well, needless to say...SHE'S BAAAAACK. I have such anger toward her that it is driving a wedge between my husband and myself. I have tried several times to bring up the matter, but there is always drama attached to this young woman, and she knows how to pull her father's strings. Should I just be silent and let this go on, or what??? Please help!!!!!!!!
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old March 22nd, 2009, 05:36 PM
snafu's Avatar
snafu snafu is offline
future crazy cat lady
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Mid-west
Posts: 10,470
snafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond repute
Re: 30 year old baby stepdaughter

I'm the resident step-mom here -

my advice-

get marriage counciling ASAP

don't hold your breath for your DH to change - if DSD is 30 & behaving this way she's NOT going to change either.

Did her mom & your DH divorce or did her mom die? If she died how old was your DSD when her mom died?
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old March 22nd, 2009, 05:50 PM
Boofy Boofy is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 19
Boofy is on a distinguished road
Re: 30 year old baby stepdaughter

Thanks for the reply. SD was 20 when mom died. In all the years between that time and now, she has worked a total of three years.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old March 22nd, 2009, 06:05 PM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 16,340
KayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond repute
Re: 30 year old baby stepdaughter

*shudder*

Boofy, I have a SIL who is 40+ years old and is emotionally immature (although she has been able to hold down jobs in between emotional crises and is fiscally responsible.) She relies waaaaaaaay to heavily on my IL's for emotional support (although thankfully less so for financial support). So your story struck a chord with me.

I agree with snafu... counseling. Here's my question for you though... does your husband see anything wrong with the situation? What are her goals in life, and what how does he expect is going to happen to her once he dies? (Sorry - don't mean to be morbid, but it's a reality. )


Welcome to the forum, btw!
__________________
Expecto Patronum!
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old March 22nd, 2009, 06:27 PM
snafu's Avatar
snafu snafu is offline
future crazy cat lady
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Mid-west
Posts: 10,470
snafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond repute
Re: 30 year old baby stepdaughter

I would also recommend you read the book "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edelman.

(btw KayKay has always given me good advice, Beth, grubby, & 1DH +4 are insiteful too )
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old March 22nd, 2009, 06:47 PM
Boofy Boofy is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 19
Boofy is on a distinguished road
Re: 30 year old baby stepdaughter

My husband says" What can I do?" everytime something else happens. Tonight she and her boyfriend (32 and lives at his home) came by and informed us they were going shopping for theater seats so they could be more comfortable while watching the cable we pay for. I asked if they had been making any arrangements about the house. She said she would like to buy it sometime but first she has to get a job. My husband did point out a place that was hiring, but she said she would get too stressed out and have to quit. I waited for my husband to step in and say that we were at least going to have to cancel her cable, but noooooo. He just turned his head away so he wouldn't have to see the look on my face. I wanted so badly to give these two bums a piece of my mind, but I was raised in the fifties, in the south, and it is hard to get over that potato-faced smile we are taught to wear when things go wrong. After they left, i told my husband how upset I was, and currently we are not speaking. Can you tell I am angry???
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old March 22nd, 2009, 07:38 PM
grubby's Avatar
grubby grubby is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: In the middle of nowhere
Posts: 1,769
grubby will become famous soon enough
Re: 30 year old baby stepdaughter

Welcome Boofy!!!

So, here I go, spreading some blame all around.

First off, your Stepdaughter (DSD) sounds extremely immature, both emotionally, socially and psychologically. That being said, who could blame her at this point? Why shouldn't she take advantage of the situation? Neither you, nor your DH are willing to put a stop to it. She is going to keep taking as long as you guys are giving. While most adults would be ashamed to be such a mooch, she is obviously too immature to get the hint.

Has anyone bothered to tell he what a problem this is? Has anyone calmly sat down and said "Honey, we love ya, but its time to take care of yourself. Your dad is retired and we just don't have the finances to continue this. As of _________ date, you need to start paying rent or move out. Maybe you could get a roommate to help?" Okay, you might say it a little nicer than I did, because I am not known for tact.

If not, how do you expect her to know that this is a problem. Grumbling behind her back does not help. And please remember, this type of thing is normal for her. It sounds like her father has been codling her for years. She probably knows nothing else. (I am not trying to make excuses for her, just point out that she is mentally in a different place than most).

I really see this as a bigger with your husband, not your DSD. Why does he continue to do it? Can he not say no? Listen, she can't live in the house or get money from you guys unless you continue to hand it to her. That's your choice not hers. Your DH is choosing to make his daughter emotionally and financially dependent on him. Why? Does he have a hard time saying no to her, guilt?

You need to talk this over with him, calmly. Tell him how this is stunting her growth and that he is doing more harm to her than good. People need to feel independent.

Then you guys need to set up a plan, discuss what you guys are and are not willing to help her with. Set dates, make schedules and then calmly sit down with DSD and discuss this all, like adults. Also, don't think she is going to change overnight just because you are tired of supporting her lazy butt. She has been babied for 30 years, that's a lot of emotional stunting going on. I fully expect her to throw a fit.

Sorry if this comes off as harsh, blunt, etc.... But I very strongly believe that you have just as much of a husband problem as you do DSD problem.

Good luck and welcome, again.
__________________
I'm a guppy, you're a guppy, wouldn't you like to be a guppy too?!!! Guppies are cute!!!

I was a much better parent... before I had kids!
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old March 23rd, 2009, 10:12 AM
kimmie52's Avatar
kimmie52 kimmie52 is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Mid-Michigan
Posts: 38
kimmie52 is on a distinguished road
Re: 30 year old baby stepdaughter

Hi Boofy,
do you think for some reason your DH feels guilty of something so he lets his daughter walk all over him? Like he feels bad about how his wife died?
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old March 23rd, 2009, 02:07 PM
Boofy Boofy is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 19
Boofy is on a distinguished road
Re: 30 year old baby stepdaughter

Kimmie, I think so. His wife had cancer, and from what the rest of the family says, wife and daughter did not always get along. Daughter's mom died in the house where she is staying. Hubby was a workaholic before he retired, and a few months after he retired, his wife died. I know how hard it was for the whole family. Ironically, I am a metastatic melanoma survivor. When I was diagnosed and given the grim statistics, my first husband packed and left. I had a twelve year old son at the time,so I understand the dynamics of a family facing cancer. However, I am very proud to say that my son (now 36 ) NEVER used my illness and years of chemo as an excuse to be a slacker. I was probably hard on him, but I tried to prepare him for the time when I might not be there. Maybe my experience is why I have the depth of anger at the step-daughter. Maybe I am overreacting, at least that's what my hubby says. What do you think???
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old March 23rd, 2009, 04:26 PM
Beth's Avatar
Beth Beth is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 1,257
Beth will become famous soon enough
Re: 30 year old baby stepdaughter

Quote:
Originally Posted by Boofy View Post
Maybe I am overreacting, at least that's what my hubby says. What do you think???
NO, you are not overreacting. It sounds like your husband is stuck and could use some help. He is doing a disservice to his daughter by not making her responsible for her own life. I think if he asked a therapist if what he is doing is acceptable, I am quite sure the answer would be a great big NO. Teaching your children not to be responsible for themselves is not OK.

The grief process is different for everyone. I think your husband could use some third party help (therapist) to see what he is doing to his family.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:56 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2021, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2007, The BlueSparks Network