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  #11  
Old November 9th, 2008, 10:25 AM
Becky Becky is offline
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Re: Daughter dating a 'loser'

I'm sorry! Thanks for the advice!
Becky
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  #12  
Old November 9th, 2008, 10:29 AM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: Daughter dating a 'loser'

No need to apologize! I'm just duty bound to protect our members. It's hard to imagine the level of craziness that exists "out there"... I just don't want any of our members to fall victim.
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Old November 9th, 2008, 12:50 PM
Becky Becky is offline
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Re: Daughter dating a 'loser'

Mandee,
Check your PM please!
Becky
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Old November 9th, 2008, 05:08 PM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: Daughter dating a 'loser'

Becky - hope you have figured out that as per your request, Admin changed your username. If you can't log in, use the "Contact Us" link at the bottom of the page on the yellow bar.
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Old November 9th, 2008, 05:15 PM
Becky Becky is offline
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Re: Daughter dating a 'loser'

It worked! Thanks!!
Becky
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  #16  
Old November 10th, 2008, 06:50 AM
Mandee Mandee is offline
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Re: Daughter dating a 'loser'

Becky, I was MIA yesterday. Daugther got home. She's fine, but ....check your PMs!
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Old November 12th, 2008, 07:03 AM
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Re: Daughter dating a 'loser'

My mother that time though the same as you. I was hanging around with "losers" and no-one was ever good enough for me said my mum. The last one was again a "loser" he was caught for growing "plants", did not have any job and did not have any education - then he met me: he did never touch durgs anymore, he became manager of a very well growing company that time and he finished his education ... so i think every "loser" can become the perfect man - with the right woman!
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Old November 18th, 2008, 12:51 AM
cuddles cuddles is offline
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Re: Daughter dating a 'loser'

I have much in common with many of you. My daughter ran away with a loser a year and a half ago, and still won't speak to us. She's in another state, and we believe that he has turned her against us, and helps make sure that she won't talk to us, lest he lose her.

She is 24, beautiful and intelligent. We moved out of our home state when she was 22, and she stayed behind with her grandmother, going to community college part time and working. She really wanted to pursue a medical career, and was doing well in school, and possibly wanted to be a nurse. We offered to get her an apartment near us where we moved, and pay for her college here (and get her in state tuition).

We shipped her and her stuff out here, set her up with an apartment, and furnished it. We spent several thousands of dollars. After only 3 and a half weeks, she announced that she was running off with an old loser boyfriend who had moved to another state. He had found her on the internet. She then left, with us begging not to give up her education, and never even apologized for all of the money and effort we put into bringing her out here.

We were quite upset with her complete lack of remorse, and we told her so. We felt we at least would have accepted her choice if she had said more than, I'm leaving in 2 weeks, and that's the way it is, period. I cried so hard trying to figure out what we did wrong, when all we did was help her get her place fixed and furnished, and took her out to dinner, etc. She said that "you people" (my husband, her sister and 14 year old brother) all drove her away!!??

We don't even know what we did wrong, but she criticized everything we said and try to buy her to furnish her place. Then, she criticized everything about the area- we had gotten her a beautiful apartment (that we were paying for). She criticized the weather, the minorities, the "old people" living in her apartment, the smog (there isn't as much as where she lives), etc. etc. My husband says that she was only justifying her poor choice by conveniently blaming us and whatever else she could think of.

I am really concerned, not just because of her selfish and insensitive behavior that was so mean and thoughtless, but we think she has some other problems. She showed up after losing about 25 pounds, at anorexic weight. She runs around 5 miles a day. She eats nothing but rabbit food, and hardly any fat. The doctor I talked to was very concerned, because all of her bones stuck out on her body, and she was now flat chested. He said that she could kill herself if she kept losing weight.

She also shows signs of OCD behavior, by her constant criticism of everything and everyone, by ironing clothes for several hours a week (including her pajamas), and by having to have everything absolutely perfect, and lined up a certain way, by color, etc.

I was only emailing her about the time she was leaving, because I was such a wreck crying, and I told her of our concerns of her weight and her behavior. I suggested that she might want to talk to someone about our concerns for her health and well being. Well, I guess that really set her off, and she hasn't spoken to us in a year and a half since then. I guess it made her really mad, but I was sincerely concerned about her. She said that I was just being "mean". I guess she's in denial.

Her sister has gotten in touch with her, and I have sent many loving notes, with her sending back the last batch. My husband flew out trying to talk to her about "nothing bad, I promise, just to see you". She originally agreed on the phone, but then I think the boyfriend intervened, and she refused. She has said nothing but hateful things about us to her sister, and she lately told her that we were trying to "hospitalize her"?? We have no idea where she got that except that we were very concerned a year ago (justifiably about her weight).

I have been heartbroken, and she did some mean things even to her sister and brother. We don't understand her behavior at all, we did nothing but nice and loving things to her. We told her how proud we were of her doing well in school, and told her that we'd find a way to pay for all of her education somehow, etc.

She grew up in a very nice house and area, with nice things. She now lives in a slum in a tiny apartment with him, with bars on the windows. He is a real loser, with no education, no real skills, and absolutely no ambition. It is so hard to understand, because she is a hard worker, likes nice things, is very smart, and has a fair amount of ambition herself. They fought like cats and dogs when they were together before for a couple of years, a few years before. She says "he's changed"!!

I appreciate you reading my long story, I know heartbreak, believe me. I have a lot of guilt because her upbringing wasnt' perfect, but she has a handicapped sister who took a lot out of us. She of course, blames us for everything. I appreciate any advice. I have just waited, trying to be loving, for a long time. I have stopped doing anything more, because she either rejects our attempts, or ignores us.

I have heard that she has gained a little more weight, so maybe she is "out of the woods" with the anorexia, I hope. I have asked her if we could get a third party like a counselor to discuss whatever it is that is bothering her, nothing else, but she won't respond. I just don't understand what is happening in her mind. People tell me that these girls eventually realize that they are with controlling losers, and their parents really do love them, but it may take time before they come back.

It's just so difficult, when you dont' know if they are sick or not, or dead or alive for months and years on end. And, I think she has some other problems that she is dealing with. It doesn't help that the boyfriend is a drinker, as she probably is, and we suspect that there is a lot of partying (of what kind, we're not sure) going on, also. My husband thinks that she will eventually tire with his low life, and wake up. I surely hope so.

Thanks, Cuddles
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  #19  
Old November 28th, 2008, 07:57 AM
Mandee Mandee is offline
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Re: Daughter dating a 'loser'

Cuddles, I'm so sorry for your situation with your daugther.

I certainly don't understand why our daughters go for these loser types, but I sure do feel your pain!

It's good someone can at least verify your daughter is OK even if she won't communicate with you. But that's so heartbreaking that you, the mom who brought her into this world, are the one being treated so badly. But if it's any help, my daughter chose me to treat badly too in favor and anyone who would agree with her that what she was doing was fine.

I don't understand the loser choices after we've tried to make our children's lives lean more toward productive futures. I agree with you that the loser is most likely controlling and daugther hasn't figured it out yet. Hopefully your daughter will wake up one day soon. Keep the door open. I know you will. I just hope she won't be too stubborn or embarrassed to walk back through it.

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  #20  
Old November 29th, 2008, 05:42 AM
jackie0109 jackie0109 is offline
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Re: Daughter dating a 'loser'

Hi,

Why did you say that your daughter is dating a "loser"? But I think there is no such word as "loser", we are all grown and commit mistake. We are all striving hard not to be a loser but your daughter is trying her best to become nice.
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