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Old May 23rd, 2015, 09:40 AM
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Adult Child turns Mother???? Why?

Hi, I need desperate advice in this matter, I really hope to receive some help here.
First off, I love my mother very much.

The problem started a few years back when she lost employment. She was jobless for about a year and decided to go back to school which the military paid for since she used to serve. We lived in SC then and my younger sister was already going to school at that time. In the meanwhile my mother sunk all her energy into her schoolwork she neglected finding a job. I moved out to NC last year Aug. and offered her to come with me. My motivation, bigger city more job options for her, she can help me watch my dogs and a change of scenery might help. So my sister and her boyfriend stayed in her house in SC, paying rent what little they could and my mother stayed with me, rent free, driving my old car and not having spent a dime for doctors care, groceries or utilities because I wanted her to have savings. She is behind a few mortgage payments but there is still a chance for her to either keep the house or lose it and move into an apartment.

Well,... was... you see instead of cleaning up her finances and moving out she found a part-time job with minimum wage and just enrolled into school again, behind my back, and is again neglecting to find a second or better job. I think she gave up on her house in SC, her credit cards are maxed out she has nothing. I don't know what else to do, I feel overwhelmed and back stabbed.
I do not want to live with her, I feel like I'm husband substitute, I am 35 and single I need my space. I asked her to quit school and find another job so she can support herself and move out but she refuses. This was supposed to be a temporary solution, but I feel like she doesn't really see an end to our living arrangements. All she hears me saying is "I'm kicking you out." and "You shouldn't go to school." But what I'm saying is "I want you to live your life, have your friends and find a man that loves you." and "Go to school, but earn money first so you have savings to fall back on." Heck that is why I let her move in with me. So she can save money. One day she will be old and really need someone, but not yet, she's 58.

What should I do? What can I do? She's my mother I can't kick her out on the streets, but she is driving me crazy and when I come home I'm always angry and moody. It's very stressful.
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Old May 23rd, 2015, 10:41 AM
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Re: Adult Child turns Mother???? Why?

Oh, wow. Sorry to hear about that situation.

The good news is that you have identified the problem - you enabled her and she isn't doing what she needs to do. The bad news is that now you are stuck in a position of having to do "tough love." That's very hard.

You have to keep talking to her from your standpoint. Let her find her own solution... she can stay in school and do whatever she wants, but you need your own space, this was supposed to be temporary, etc.

I wonder if there are any organizations locally which can help her with that transition?
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Old May 23rd, 2015, 10:50 AM
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Re: Adult Child turns Mother???? Why?

my last resort solution - tell her that you have to cut expenses & move to an efficiency apartment - she'd have to find a solution that doesn't involve you then
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Old May 23rd, 2015, 02:22 PM
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Re: Adult Child turns Mother???? Why?

I think it sounds a bit like desperation and bad planning. Can she sell the family home to you at a price you can afford to pay the mortgage at?, at least it would be an easy way to keep the home. If she sold it she could pay her credit card debit and the payments that are behind. 58 is old in today's employment world. Its harder to get a job when you are older, even harder if you are not qualified to do anything.So she looks like shes trying to do better for herself, but shes letting payments get behind. Can she / you rent the house out and go and live in a small place?.

Maybe you need to call a meeting and tell her that you need to act fast or you will lose the house, and you cant afford to fund her living situation. She can either sell the house to you or rent it out.

To max out CCs and then then ignore them is very bad budgeting, and unrealistic. Some people are just bad with money. Just tell her she needs to make some decisions now or she will lose everything for a start,and then she will get a bad name in the credit world stopping her doing anything else. Be firm.

Best of luck
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Old May 23rd, 2015, 05:50 PM
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Re: Adult Child turns Mother???? Why?

At 58, she's too young to be reliant on you. She could live another 40 years while your life is on hold!

You let her move in with you so that she can save money. She failed to save money. That's sad. That's also her responsibility. She won't grow up unless you make her. Give her a deadline to get herself together, say 6 weeks, and stick to it. She can move back to her old house, find a new place, or be homeless. It's her choice. You will have done all you can to help her. She needs to help herself now.
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Old May 26th, 2015, 06:10 AM
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Re: Adult Child turns Mother???? Why?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wyniia View Post
What should I do? What can I do? She's my mother I can't kick her out on the streets, but she is driving me crazy and when I come home I'm always angry and moody. It's very stressful.
Yes it is... very stressful. I see you have about three options...

1. Let her stay and you just live out the rest of your days being miserable.
2. Tell her she has 30 days to move out and, if she doesn't, rent a storage unit and move her stuff out on the 31st day.
3. Keep on being persistent about her finding her own place - every single day. If you're lucky, she'll get tired of hearing it and move out on her own.

Is she allergic to dogs or cats? Snakes? Alligators?
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Old May 26th, 2015, 06:32 AM
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Re: Adult Child turns Mother???? Why?

spiders?
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