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Old September 28th, 2014, 08:42 PM
sunshine70 sunshine70 is offline
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Angry who is my biological dad

After 42 yrs I found out my father is not by biological dad. I have been teased and actually had to fight all my life about the way I look because I do not look like my other siblings. My mother has denied it ALL my life. After my dad died and I noticed during the funeral I did not look like any one on his family side I had a DNA test. The results show I am actually bi-racial. The problem per my mom I am a black female. My mom is black and the man I have loved and cherished as my dad was black.

My mom tried to deny the DNA results.
I am not speaking to her because I feel she should have told me the truth at least after I was an adult. She recently told my sister she wanted to talk to me. I had a 30 minute phone conversation with her during the time she didn't mention the pink elephant. My sister convinced me to visit my mom with her so we could talk. 2 hours into the visit my mom still acted as if everything was ok. I can not begin to repair a broken relationship unless my mom tells me my biological dad name. As well as why she never consoled me when I was teased about my hair and looks. Instead I was punished for feeling upset by being sent to my room and called stupid.

Some of my family feels like I am over reacting and I need to get over it. Other say they see my point when they are talking to me. But I don't care at this point I feel I am entitled to answers.
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Old September 28th, 2014, 08:59 PM
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Re: who is my biological dad

It sounds to me like the story is very painful for your mom.

I don't understand about the DNA results though. They said you were biracial, but did they say that you had a different father than the one who raised you?
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Old September 28th, 2014, 11:19 PM
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Re: who is my biological dad

Hi Sunshine70, I agree with KayKay, this sounds painful for your whole family, and i have so much sympathy for you. I'm just SO different from the rest of my family i often wondered when i was little if they had adopted me. (4 generations of us all look alike though, so no out there).

So many things popping up in my mind. I completely understand your quest to find the truth. Your mother has never confirmed an affair or worse right? - Is this typical of her, or is she usually honest? (Maybe, just maybe, she is telling the truth?)

Regarding your DNA tests, for any certainty you need to compare your DNA results with those of your siblings. - Friends of mine are both part Maori and look Maori (dark olive skin, medium brown eyes). All of their kids - and they have a lot - have the same colouring as them except for one blond blue eyed daughter. She actually fortunately looks feature-wise more like her dad than her mum, except for colouring though. Generic DNA tests would show all these kids being bi-racial.

Having said you should get your siblings involved though, if "i" was your sibling, i'd be very reluctant to do this test. What if it showed a likelihood of differing DNA? - I'd be devastated. (And probably convinced the odd-one-out is me). It might damage my relationship with you, and damage my relationship with my mother. It WOULD damage my memories of my late father.

There was a sports person on one of those "Where do you really come from" programs. They tested his DNA for racial background, and found he was something like 76% African. They said that was one of the highest they had ever seen for a black guy with many previous generations living in America, so bi-racial is more common than not, regardless of appearancve.

Would it be possible for you to do a bit more reading around the subject of generic DNA testing, and perhaps speak to a genetics counsellor? - Your GP may be able to make a recommendation.

Really really wishing you all the best.
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Old September 29th, 2014, 04:53 AM
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Re: who is my biological dad

Mrs X addressed the science. KayKay addressed your mother's reluctance.

Now, let's talk about you. Was the father who raised you not a good father? How do you think finding the biological father will change you? Other than affirming you were right to feel "different," what do hope to happen? Are you prepared for a poor outcome?

I ask this because I had a sister given up for adoption. Her biological father's family raised her. She was 45 when she found us. She had a fantasy built up about who her mother and sister were. She was supremely disappointed when she learned the truth of her biological mother's situation. Finding us did not change her life one bit.
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Old September 29th, 2014, 12:07 PM
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Re: who is my biological dad

Sorry for the confusion. My father that raised me was black. The DNA results show my father as a white man. My mom still denies the results.
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Old September 29th, 2014, 12:43 PM
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Re: who is my biological dad

Mrs. X
I left a bit of my story out trying not to paint a horrible picture of my mom. But the truth is my mom was my father's (the man that raised me) mistress for over twenty years. Within the 20 years she birthed 5 kids me being one of them. Of the 5 kids I am the only one with straight hair and very light skin. My other siblings have kinky hair and brown skin. My mom is dark skin with kinky hair. My father (man that raised me) was brown skin with kinky hair. My other siblings look like each other and my dads family. I don't. My mom would tell me I look like my fathers family specifically his deceased sister.
So when my father died I was expecting to see people who looked like me. Well I didn't besides my two nieces who are bi-racial kids I was the only other light skin, straight hair person on the family side. Therefore I started to inquire. My four of my older siblings had heard the rumors but never wanted to talk to me about it. I did the DNA because I wanted answers. My mom got really ticked at me for inquiring. two of my sisters offer to do the sibling DNA but I didn't want to get them involved.
The results shows I am over 50% caucasian
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Old September 29th, 2014, 01:11 PM
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Re: who is my biological dad

Lucy
The man that raised me was my best friend. He was a great man. Finding out my biological father will answer the known question that I have had most of my life. I feel child is entitled to know the truth also. I have no expectations regarding any of my biological dad kids/family. I real feel I would be rejected because I because I would be a black child saying their father/husband/brother is my father. If he is alive I would like to know if he knew about me. But I am more prepared for rejection than acceptance.
I feel I would possibly be accepted if they were to know my financial status. I feel that's one of the reasons I was accepted by my fathers (the man who raised me) family when I met them for the first time at his funeral.
I am very guarded when it comes to people accepting me. Which is very sad to say.
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Old September 29th, 2014, 01:51 PM
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Re: who is my biological dad

Okay, thanks for clarifying.

I guess where I'm stuck is that I'm having a hard time telling which of all of those things is the one causing you the most pain.

I understand that it was painful to be teased as you were growing up about being different. That's a pain from your early childhood that will always haunt you.

I understand that it is painful that you lost a man that you loved so deeply in more ways than just death - you lost your genetic connection to him at a time when you could have derived comfort from it.

I understand that it is painful that your mother kept this information from you and won't divulge the circumstances or give you an explanation.

The way I look at it though, knowing who your biological father is won't heal any of that pain. You made the comment in your first post in this thread that you can't begin to repair the relationship with your mom until she tells you your biological father's name. If it were me, knowing my biological father's name would be something I'd put on the back burner and decide later if I needed. My priority would be to find out why my mother had to lie about it.

I'm not condoning it, but her behavior makes sense to me in light of her not wanting it known that you had a different father. By sending you to your room (unjustly), she was "hiding the evidence." She was acting "as if" you were your non-bio father's daughter. She had some reason she really needed to hide the truth.

As far as telling you when you reached adulthood - how? Why? I understand that you feel entitled to the truth, but why would she perpetuate a lie for all of those years and then suddenly decide to come clean? If you were in her shoes, and you had some reason you really needed to hide the truth, would you tell? Your father (non-bio) loved you and you loved him. Maybe she (or he) was worried that your relationship, and the relationships you have with your siblings, would have suffered if you knew.

This is a tough one. There's a part of me that thinks maybe this is your mom's secret to keep. It's just that the secret affects you too. Maybe she can't grasp that. Or, maybe she thinks that it's best that you don't know it.

Have you tried asking your mom why she kept the secret?
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Old September 30th, 2014, 09:24 AM
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Re: who is my biological dad

Dear Sunshine70

I totally understand why you feel the way you do, however, if you can, please consider this....
I never knew who my real father was, and my mother lied to me about who he was, he refused to marry her...
You had a man who sounds as if he really loved you and you loved him....even though he wasn't your bio, he stood up to bat, when he didn't have to...that speaks volumns.

although hard, what I'm trying to say is, sometimes we must be thankful for what we've had, rather than what we didn't or don't have. Perhaps your mother is trying to protect you and a whole lot of other people who now, may be involved....trust her to be doing the right thing...please don't push her away...anger will get you no where....and maybe in time, with patience, she will tell you, maybe not. But God forbid, if anything would happen to her...well, what I'm trying to say is, enjoy her now...while you can and if you can, put the rest, to rest.

My real mother and I are estranged....she is old but very nasty and hates me....I feel very sorry for her, for what we've both missed. She had a horrid childhood, and should have never been a parent...however, she was, and here we are, unable to have any kind of relationship, b/c in her own mind, it is my fault she had a baby single, when in those days a woman was banned from society for doing so...and that alone can drive you over the edge. let alone a drunken father, etc.

so, in that please know, and trust, it's all in HIS time, not ours, but HIS, maybe you will, maybe you won't, but your here, she is here, and you had a man who loved you, and called you his daughter.

Hope in some small way this helps.
Creme

Last edited by Cremebrulee; September 30th, 2014 at 09:28 AM.
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Old October 4th, 2014, 06:02 PM
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Re: who is my biological dad

Hi again,

Sunshine70. I've finally had some time to do some reading around this, as i had some questions. It seems there are a lot of groups offering DNA testing, but not of the profiling types the police (for example) use. There is NO WAY they can tell the racial type of your father if you don't have a Y chromosome. (Females don't, we only have X chromosomes).

This is quite a heavy read, but explains the process quite well.

http://www.rootsforreal.com/service_en.php

My concern is that there are some unscrupulous testing companies sending out poorly performed tests without any thought of the pain and questions and damaged family relationships the results are giving.
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