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Old July 21st, 2012, 10:21 AM
Peacemaker Peacemaker is offline
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23 Yr old at home, no job - tough love

Our 23 year old son still lives at home. He has no job and no social life. He basically is at home all day on the computer, to which he says he is studying. Don't know what. He has had 2-3 different jobs, but only for 4-6 months and then he get either laid off or fired. He and my husband, his biological Dad don't get along. His Dad wants to just throw him out. I want him out too, but don't know if I could just put him on the street with no place to go. He is a good kid. Never been in any trouble, just doesn't seem to have any motivation to want to do anything for himself. He does have a stubborn streak much like his Dad. They get into arguments and say things to each other that are hurtful. Last week his Dad told him that he hates him. This was hurtful to me too. I love my son but agrees he needs to move out on his own. My husband has told me that if our son does not move out, he will. We also have an 18 year old daughter that just finished high school and is the total opposite of her brother. She tries to do it all and we are proud of her. She loves her brother very much and it hurts her too to see her brother and Dad fighting. My husband can be very mean about the whole situation. He should be the adult but many times, he is the one that provokes the argument. I love my husband and my son but sometimes I feel like I can't live with either of them. My daughter is about to leave for college and feel once she is out of the house, things will just get worse with my son and husband. Please, anyone that has any suggestions, please share.
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Old July 21st, 2012, 11:36 AM
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Re: 23 Yr old at home, no job - tough love

Does your husband have any practical steps he wants your son to do? I'm not sure I understand if your husband wants to toss him out as an incentive to get him to "grow up" or if he wants to toss him out because he's tired of living with him.

Do *you* have any ideas about what your son could do? What I mean is... does he have any specific gifts or interests? Or is his lack of motivation across the board? I do think you need to learn what he's "studying" on the computer. That might tell you a lot about him.

If your son has no direction in life, maybe that explains his lack of motivation. Did he go to college? If not, maybe a good start is taking a class at a community college. At least he'd be doing something and maybe if he's doing something your husband would accept the situation a little easier.

I think you ought to get to the bottom of why your son has no motivation. Has he always been like that? Maybe he needs to see a counselor to figure out what he wants to do when he grows up.
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Old July 21st, 2012, 08:59 PM
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Re: 23 Yr old at home, no job - tough love

What's he been doing since he graduated high school?
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Old August 2nd, 2012, 04:53 PM
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Re: 23 Yr old at home, no job - tough love

Idea: ...make him start paying you (or dad) rent for living in the house, 3 months later, make his start paying for food too, don't give him gas money, money to go out, bla bla bla, u godda teach this kid independence. And I hopeeeeee you are notttt paying his cell phone bill, tht's actually step #1, followed by rent. And don't give him ideas of what he could do bla bla bla, he is not a kid anymore, what he needs mommy and daddy to help him find a job and figure out what his interests are? I mean sure do it (find out what his interests are) but don't go loking for a job for him, don't go further than giving him ideas, and I mean that. I'm sure your son is a good kid but it doesn't seem like he has been through a lot in life to help him "grow up" and going through a lot can sometimes mean simply: figuring out how to get by next month. Cook, clean, pay bills. Let him run out of clean underwear in his drawer, let the fridge run out of milk, let it run out of everything... If you want to help him, that's is (in my opinion) the best way u can help him...teach him how to be a man, he is 23, not a boy anymore.... My friends mom for example made her pay for rent to have 1 room in the house if she wasn't gonna be going to university, and p.s. Yes, she had to work and go to school. Tough love ... But hey it worked
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Old February 6th, 2013, 07:51 AM
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Re: 23 Yr old at home, no job - tough love

Hi Peacemaker, Just want you to know I am in a similar situation. I have three grown kids. My 22 year old has no motivation since his dad passed away three years ago. But he did manage to marry and I have a beautiful granddaughter of one year. Now they all live with me. Him and his wife are unemployed. My new boyfriend is very nit picky and although I work he does help contribute to the running of our household. It is one nightmare after another trying to keep peace between the two of them. Unfortunately work in South Africa is scarce but then again so is my son's enthusiasm. Tough love is a dangerous game as there is always someone on the streets prepared to help your child and many times not in a scrupulous manner. let me know if you ever find a solution! God bless
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Old February 7th, 2013, 01:14 PM
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Re: 23 Yr old at home, no job - tough love

I'm happy I never had that problem with my girls. Neither one of them was ever lazy. One married a bum who couldn't hold down a job because of whatever excuse he had. That marriage ended...

Here's my take...

If an adult child lives in "your" home then that child has to follow the rules of the house - the rules the parents have set. Adult children SHOULD pay and do their fair share. If the adult child is paying and feels they should not participate in household chores - they have it all wrong! They are paying for rent - not maid service. If they cannot or will not abide by the rules of the house then they do not need to continue living in that home. In other words... evict the adult child.

Set dates! "You need to have a job by (date)?"

The problem with these adult children is they want to live life, have fun, do what they want and do it all without consequences. When a parent allows that behavior to contiinue then they are getting what they deserve.

Just like the OP of this thread... has a bum for a son and all the dad can do is get frustrated and angry. I'm guessing the mother was protecting the son which also frustrated the dad and caused a lot of anger issues. Thus creating a balloon effect. If that kid is still living at home with no job... Ugh... I don't even want to think about the repercussions of that dilemma.

Parents need to be on the same page and support each other when dealing with an adult child living at home. Especially one who lacks motivation. You'd be surprised how thrifty someone can become when they start going hungry.

What do they call that... Tough love?
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Old March 11th, 2013, 08:55 AM
DadofFour DadofFour is offline
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Re: 23 Yr old at home, no job - tough love

^^^ good post

I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with son living at home even DEEP into 30s. If you go around the world this is the norm (only in US it isn't).

HOWEVER, most kids help out the family and lot of times families rely on the kid to make ends meet.

So, my question is : does he pay rent/food, have any responsibilities around the house?

What do you pay FOR him (car? Insurance etc).

Once you answer those questions, we can start helping you out.

I have a feeling OP is a BIG part of this problem.
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Old March 11th, 2013, 01:05 PM
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Re: 23 Yr old at home, no job - tough love

Quote:
Originally Posted by DadofFour View Post
I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with son living at home even DEEP into 30s.
Now you're starting to scare me.

My brother has his 38yr son living with him. My brother is still hoping his son will someday keep a job where he won't eventually get fired.
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Old March 11th, 2013, 02:03 PM
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Re: 23 Yr old at home, no job - tough love

Quote:
Originally Posted by DadofFour View Post
^^^ good post

I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with son living at home even DEEP into 30s. If you go around the world this is the norm (only in US it isn't).

HOWEVER, most kids help out the family and lot of times families rely on the kid to make ends meet.

So, my question is : does he pay rent/food, have any responsibilities around the house?

What do you pay FOR him (car? Insurance etc).

Once you answer those questions, we can start helping you out.

I have a feeling OP is a BIG part of this problem.
I don't think it's the norm for the rest of the world to have adult children living at home "deep into the 30's." In many poorer and/or more traditional parts of the world, daughters are married and leave home when they menstruate. Or earlier. Sons are often considered to be adult at 12-13 (or younger) and may be sent out to make their own way in the world at that time. I think it's only Bulgaria where the men live at home to a median age of mid 30's because traditionally they live with the man's parents. Perhaps that's what you're thinking of, but married working men of other cultures have no relevance to the OP's issues.

And considering that the OP hasn't been back in 8 months, I suspect she doesn't need our help anymore.

Last edited by LucyVanPelt; March 11th, 2013 at 02:10 PM.
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Old March 24th, 2013, 05:31 PM
adrienne adrienne is offline
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Re: 23 Yr old at home, no job - tough love

Have you ever heard of Extended Adolescence? It is a rising epidemic in the western world, and a VERY bad one not just for you and your son, but for the entire economy. My first suggestion is to read up on that.

The family dynamics seem very skewed in your home. Parents ARE the authority; they make the rules, and if you don't like the rules at 23, you move out. Plain and simple. You have to raise children to grow up, be independent and sufficient and move out. Man, that would be the DAY I would have ever loafed off my parents, not doing anything at the age when they had me (23) and lived on their own and raised me!!! Can I ask why you don't know what he is doing in his room? Seems like you don't remember that you are the parent.

I was paying rent from the time I was 18. I put myself through college with my OWN loan, and I still worked part-time through college to afford rent/living costs, and extras. I have been living on my own since about 25, 100% paying my own way, including my now minimal debt still owed. I am building my credit, acting and living responsibly, and I am WORKING CLASS.

I say, give him a time frame to find a job and pay rent and/or go to college. In college, I paid 300/month for rent and food. If he does not have a job and/or is pursuing college for certain within that time frame, inform him that rent compounds to a maximum of whatever you deem acceptable, (For example, no more than 2-3 months); and then mention that if he is 2-3 months in arrears, he is to move out, by the beginning of that next month or whatever. Put your feet down!!!!
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