Go Back   Friends and Family Forum > The Family Forum > All Grown Up

All Grown Up A place to discuss "adult" children.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old March 5th, 2008, 09:04 PM
mommyme mommyme is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 8
mommyme is on a distinguished road
Mom and Daughter advice needed

Hi Everyone, Heres my situation short and sweet.

I have a 21 year old daughter that is/was living with me.
She met a guy (27) and I didn't like the way he verbally treated her.
They got secretly engaged after knowing each other for only 2 months.
I have caught him in several lies.

IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH THERE IS MORE! My daughter is bi-polar. She hadn't paid any of her credit card bills in months and has fallen behind in all her payments. She even let her car payment fall behind. Trying to help, I got her signed up with consumer credit counceling. I gave her 600. to catch up with the auto payment. Its important that you know I am a co-signer for her car. My only request was that she not drive the car back and forth to his home. I explained that she was using alot of gas and puting alot of wear and tear on the car. Right after that conversation she hit a pothole and needed a new rim and tire. Again she fell behind in her car payments.

I deceided it was time to interviene. I told her I didn't approve of him or her actions. I insisted she not use the car for anything but work. If he wanted to see her he would have to do the driving.

Instead of him doing the doing the driving as I expected, they hatched a new plan. She moved into his parents home with him. He bought her another car. Not only is she obligated to make the payments on it, but I have been left with the payments for the car I co-signed for. Now he wants to purchase a home and insists she help with the payments.

I talked with his mom, thinking I might find an alli. She said we should step aside and let them figure it out on their own. Easy for her to say, when her son is reaping all the benifits. She is encourging them to do what ever they want.

There is so much more to the story.....but thats the basics.
Thanks for listening...all input would be appreciated.
Thanks, M

Last edited by mommyme; March 5th, 2008 at 09:06 PM. Reason: out of place sentence
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old March 5th, 2008, 09:40 PM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 16,344
KayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Mom and Daughter advice needed

That really stinks, mommyme. I can tell how much you hurt for her.

My first thought... sell the car.

In a way, I kind of agree with his mom. Let them work it out. Also let her know that she always has a place to stay (complete with rules), a hot meal and a loving set of ears. Stay on good terms with her. She may need you badly in the future. Do you think he abuses her?

She's an adult. She's making bad choices, but she's an adult. The more you bail her out (treat her like a child) the more she will turn to this guy. If you leave it to him to bail her out... well, we'll find out if his love stands the test, won't we? Who knows? It might. He might be a great shot at true happiness for her.

Those are my first thoughts, anyway. I'm sure I'll come up with something else as more of your story unfolds, but my first thought is to sell the car.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old March 6th, 2008, 06:19 AM
1dilwhosreal 1dilwhosreal is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: North East
Posts: 2,068
1dilwhosreal will become famous soon enough
Re: Mom and Daughter advice needed

I don't have an adult daughter, but I watched my mother and my sister deal with these types of issues.

My youngest sister is mentally ill. My mother always knew there was a problem, but it really became apparent in her upper teen years-- right at the time when my mother was no longer legally permitted to participate in my sister's treatment. And my sister shut her out. Because of that, it took quite a few years to get a proper diagnosis, and the right treatment. During that time she met and married a man who is almost 15 years older and mentally ill, too.

There's very little that she could have done to stop my sister. Legally she had no power. Emotionally, her opinions carried weight, but because they weren't what my sister wanted to hear, she stopped listening. And when my mother went to his mother for some help, she found out his mother was really crazy (not mentally ill)!!!

The good news is that this was almost 15 years ago. My sister has gotten proper treatment and is living a relatively normal life. She is still married. She's aware that it was a huge mistake; but she's also aware that she made a commitment. Her husband would not know how to live without her, and so she stays. He's actually not so bad, and can be very helpful and funny, when he's on the right meds. She knows she's responsible for her choices.

Maybe there is something you can take away from my sister's story?

And I agree with KayKay: sell the car, pay off the note, and NEVER do that again.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old March 6th, 2008, 02:31 PM
Grace's Avatar
Grace Grace is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 663
Grace is on a distinguished road
Re: Mom and Daughter advice needed

Mommyme, I can understand how frustrating and worrying this must be.

From an outsider's perspective, I can see that you are worried about this spiralling out of control, and as her mother, you are trying to bring things back under control. Unfortunately I think all your daughter sees is 'controlling'.

Rather than trying to prevent her from suffering the consequences of her actions, I would consider showing her consequences and making her think about dealing with them. As KayKay suggests, like selling the car. I would consider taking a step back and telling her that you are there for her if she needs you, but that she is an adult now and responsible for her own decisions. It doesn't do much to ease your worry or frustration unfortunately, but I think the harder you push, the more she's going to assert herself against you.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old March 6th, 2008, 05:29 PM
snafu's Avatar
snafu snafu is offline
future crazy cat lady
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Mid-west
Posts: 10,489
snafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Mom and Daughter advice needed

I agree with the previous posters. Additionally, my heart breaks for you (hug).

We all love our children, but there comes a time when we have to stop trying to fix things for them & let them learn on their own. The way we all learn is by accepting the consequences for our own choices. Love her, be supportive, and be there (as a mom, not as an ATM) when she needs you.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old March 17th, 2008, 12:05 PM
Black Box Black Box is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 138
Black Box is on a distinguished road
Re: Mom and Daughter advice needed

Quote:
Originally Posted by mommyme View Post
I deceided it was time to interviene. I told her I didn't approve of him or her actions. I insisted she not use the car for anything but work. If he wanted to see her he would have to do the driving....

...He bought her another car. Not only is she obligated to make the payments on it, but I have been left with the payments for the car I co-signed for. Now he wants to purchase a home and insists she help with the payments.
I guess I am confused on whose car it was: if it was your car and you co-signed, then you had no business telling her where it could or could not be driven. If it was your car and you just let her drive it, then you can have her check it in and out for work like a library book, but it's your car and you have all the responsibilities to maintain it. If both of your names was on the title then I guess you were equal partners and she could do with it what she wanted when she drove it.

Now it looks like she abandoned it, and it's just your car. Sell it and don't co-sign for her again.

As for him buying her a new car--well, she ought to make payments on it. She doesn't get a free ride in life. Same with a house. If she lives there, she should pay. I don't see how he's exploiting her or that he's reaping huge benefits here.

I agree with the boyfriend's mom, time to turn your daughter's life over to your daughter.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old March 25th, 2008, 03:39 PM
mommyme mommyme is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 8
mommyme is on a distinguished road
Re: Mom and Daughter advice needed

Hi everyone and thanks for the kind and understanding replys.

Black Box, you were the hardest on me, but I agree with what you say.

Mommyme
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old March 25th, 2008, 03:54 PM
mommyme mommyme is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 8
mommyme is on a distinguished road
Re: Mom and Daughter advice needed

The part of the story I left out was that I was trying to use the car to control her! It is her car and I co-signed, therefore as long as she made the payments I was in the clear. Problem is she wasn't making the payments. I felt she needed to concentrate on getting her act together. Go to work, pay her bills, none of which she was doing.

His mom is telling me to stay out of it, let them grow up and figure it out. In the meantime, he lied to his mom about going on vacation because he was afraid to get in trouble! He is living at home and follows strict rules. He is trying to buy a home because his mother is making him buy one. So what gives her the right to tell me to stay out of their lives? My daughter is only 21, her son is 27 and she is still involved.

Let me know what you think, be honest, be tough. I appreciate all advice.

mommyme
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old March 25th, 2008, 06:08 PM
1dilwhosreal 1dilwhosreal is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: North East
Posts: 2,068
1dilwhosreal will become famous soon enough
Re: Mom and Daughter advice needed

Pots never recognize themselves when they call the kettles black. But at 27, I'd be packing my DS's stuff for him. He should be on his own. That doesn't mean that he should be with your DD.

The truth is that it really doesn't matter what anyone thinks. Legally, she is an adult and can do as she pleases. Apparently, she is not willing to submit to your direction. There's nothing you can do to change that.

The best you can do is damage control, for yourself, if not for her. Sell the car, get out of the loan, and hope she comes to her senses soon.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old March 25th, 2008, 06:37 PM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 16,344
KayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Mom and Daughter advice needed

Quote:
Originally Posted by mommyme View Post
The part of the story I left out was that I was trying to use the car to control her!

I, uh.... I'd better let you explain this before I react to it. When you say "control" her, do you mean "trying to use the car to make her get her act together and grow up and be independent"? It seems to me that's not the type of control she sees it as.

I haven't changed my mind. Sell the car, let her make her own mistakes, be there to help her pick up the pieces of the train wreck if there is one.

Don't worry about what his M is saying. It's not a contest to see who can influence them more. You're right, she's telling you to leave them alone when she's not doing it. But your DD will figure that out (hopefully her BF will figure it out too).

I know you're trying to do the right thing. It's hard, isn't it?
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:38 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2022, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2007, The BlueSparks Network