Go Back   Friends and Family Forum > The Family Forum > All Grown Up

All Grown Up A place to discuss "adult" children.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old April 17th, 2013, 09:25 PM
GrannyMel GrannyMel is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ontario
Posts: 7
GrannyMel is on a distinguished road
My daughters resent me.

I am the mother of two beautiful grown daughters one is now 26, going on 27 and the other is 30. I always believed in harsh love as they grew up. Basically I told them the truth when I thought they needed to hear it. I remember when my oldest daughter was 16. She came down the steps in a skanky dress for a school dance. She asked me if she looked pretty. I told her the exact truth "No you are not pretty in that thing. You look like a whore, now take it off and never let me see you look like that again!"

My oldest daughter loved dressing up most of her life, and once she reached 14 she went from cute pretty outfits to skanky ones. I let her get a job at that age, and she used all her money on short short skirts, revealing tops, revealing dresses. And I told her exactly what I thought of those clothes. I made her get rid of them and I took her shopping for what I thought appropriate. From time to time, I would still find some skanky little dress. And then she went away to college and it got worse from there. She lived with room mates after her first year and she told me I couldn't tell her what to wear anymore. It wasn't until she was about 22 when she got pregnant that all this stopped.

Now my youngest daughter was the opposite. She was a Tomboy. She refused to wear dresses. I had to plead with her to wear a dress for her grade 8 graduation. I used to tell her all the time "You would be pretty if you would just dress up." but she wouldn't. It wasn't until she was living on her own that she took interest in prettier clothes. I can only think of a few times she wore nice clothes as a teen. Her grade 8 graduation, a couple school dances, her formal and her graduation party. I think once she was 19 she finally started dressing like a girl all the time.

I could never find a middle line with my girls. I just wanted them to wear normal pretty girl clothes. Not boys clothes and certainly not skanky clothes. The kind of clothes they wear now are what I wish they would have worn back then.

So recently, I found out they resent me for this. For what? Being a parent? I overheard them discussing it at our Sunday lunch. My youngest daughter resents me because she thinks I was always calling her ugly when she was growing up, and my oldest daughter thinks I was always calling her skanky.

I remember when I used to read their diaries all the time (they never found out) that they thought that stuff as kids, especially my youngest daughter but not as adults. I thought they grew out of those insecurities. My youngest daughter says she has no self-confidence because of the way I treated her and she still feels ugly to this day. I never once called her "ugly" to her face. She was pretty. She just didn't look it with those boy clothes.

And I overheard them complaining that I treat my grandchildren better than I did them. My oldest grandchild is eight, and she is beautiful and I am always telling her that. I never criticize her. And I guess that is something my daughters have picked up on and they're actually jealous of this. My youngest daughter isn't married and she doesn't have kids, but my oldest has three. My youngest daughter says I'm the reason she can't find a man because she has no confidence in herself. Both my daughters complain that I never ever called them beautiful growing up and all I did was criticize and never compliment.

Now is this normal for kids to complain about their parents like this? I mean, she's 26 years old so why should she not have any confidence just because I told her to stop dressing like a guy when she was 13? I was helping her out to be a better person.

She is her own person now. She is responsible for her own confidence, not me. After hearing this conversation between my daughters I feel hurt that they blame me for all their life problems. I never thought I'd be the parent kids resented. I never had these issues with my own mother, so I am surprised to hear grown adult women saying that they have confidence problems from me.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old April 18th, 2013, 01:28 AM
Mrs X's Avatar
Mrs X Mrs X is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 3,917
Mrs X has a reputation beyond reputeMrs X has a reputation beyond reputeMrs X has a reputation beyond reputeMrs X has a reputation beyond reputeMrs X has a reputation beyond repute
Re: My daughters resent me.

You realise you are STILL finding fault with everything they do, right?
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old April 18th, 2013, 05:01 AM
LucyVanPelt's Avatar
LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 9,680
LucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond repute
Re: My daughters resent me.

Do you know that poem, "If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn...?"

Your daughters lived with criticism, and now they are condemning the source. Those words wound and they are hard to recover from because they came from the one person who represented their whole world--their mother.

If you have ever regretted your words, now is the time to apologize for them and tell your daughters how much you love them and how proud you are of them.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old April 18th, 2013, 08:06 AM
GrannyMel GrannyMel is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ontario
Posts: 7
GrannyMel is on a distinguished road
Re: My daughters resent me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs X View Post
You realise you are STILL finding fault with everything they do, right?
And how exactly am I finding fault with everything they do? If you're going to respond to something I am asking for advice for, why not elaborate instead of just coming in for one sentence of criticism and then leaving?Nothing you jut said was helpful. Considering the fact you said everything suggests you know every single thing that goes on in our lives... or did you just come in here, read this post judge me and decide to just criticize me?

Quote:
Do you know that poem, "If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn...?"

Your daughters lived with criticism, and now they are condemning the source. Those words wound and they are hard to recover from because they came from the one person who represented their whole world--their mother.

If you have ever regretted your words, now is the time to apologize for them and tell your daughters how much you love them and how proud you are of them.
I've told my oldest daugther I love her and I'm proud every time she's given me a grandchild, when she got married, and when she graduated college. I just told her a week ago that I love her when she called up crying because she had a fight with her husband. I told her I love her, and that she can call me anytime she needs me. So she must know that I love her.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old April 18th, 2013, 08:31 AM
LucyVanPelt's Avatar
LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 9,680
LucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond repute
Re: My daughters resent me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GrannyMel View Post
And how exactly am I finding fault with everything they do? If you're going to respond to something I am asking for advice for, why not elaborate instead of just coming in for one sentence of criticism and then leaving?Nothing you jut said was helpful. Considering the fact you said everything suggests you know every single thing that goes on in our lives... or did you just come in here, read this post judge me and decide to just criticize me?
I suspect that your reaction to Mrs.X's comment mirror your daughter's reactions to your comments to them.

Quote:
I've told my oldest daugther I love her and I'm proud every time she's given me a grandchild, when she got married, and when she graduated college. I just told her a week ago that I love her when she called up crying because she had a fight with her husband. I told her I love her, and that she can call me anytime she needs me. So she must know that I love her.
But have you apologized to all of your daughters for your rough treatment when they were growing up?

The criticism sets up a push-pull dynamic with a young child that becomes second nature to them in their adult dealings with you. That push-pull dynamic can be understood as the child's need to receive comfort from mother and is instead given pain, in your case, in the form of verbal insults. Children learn they cannot trust mother, and yet their instincts to turn to mother remain. So your oldest calls you, but she doesn't really trust you. She may not even realize that, yet. When she does, if you have not already made reparation for the damage your criticism has caused, you may find yourself excluded from her life.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old April 18th, 2013, 08:55 AM
GrannyMel GrannyMel is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ontario
Posts: 7
GrannyMel is on a distinguished road
Re: My daughters resent me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt View Post
I suspect that your reaction to Mrs.X's comment mirror your daughter's reactions to your comments to them.

Her advice really was not helpful. You are taking the question seriously, and you are giving advice. However, all she did was come in and tell me that I find fault in everything my daughters do, and then left. How does she know I find fault with everything they do? Has she been there to witness every moment of our lives? I understand what you're saying and I am thinking of your advice, but not hers.

But honestly, with my oldest what could I have done? I couldn't let her leave the house wearing those clothes. I would be a worse mother to let her go out wearing barely nothing instead of telling her to change. And I believe in telling people the truth, not lying to them. I tell my husband as it is all the time, and he said it's the reason he fell in love with me. There was no way I was going to tell my daughter that she looked beautiful in a dress that showed off everything. And that's not an exaggeration, the dress was skin tight, you could see her boobs and it was very very short. I don't even know where she got such a thing, but she was 16 years old. I'd like to know how many people would tell their daughter that they look beautiful in a dress like that and let them go out in it. And the majority of the time I believe she was testing me, because she never did that with my husband.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old April 18th, 2013, 08:58 AM
Annsdil's Avatar
Annsdil Annsdil is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 2,163
Annsdil has a reputation beyond reputeAnnsdil has a reputation beyond reputeAnnsdil has a reputation beyond reputeAnnsdil has a reputation beyond reputeAnnsdil has a reputation beyond reputeAnnsdil has a reputation beyond repute
Re: My daughters resent me.

Instead of focussing on the fact they resent you, you need understand the why and try and empathise with how they felt at the time you criticized their choice of clothes:

Quote:
She asked me if she looked pretty. I told her the exact truth "No you are not pretty in that thing. You look like a whore, now take it off and never let me see you look like that again!"
She heard you are not pretty = ugly

Quote:
"You would be pretty if you would just dress up."
She heard you are not pretty = ugly

Quote:
I never once called her "ugly" to her face.
But perhaps your actions and body language and other critical statements gave her an ulterior message that you thought of her as such.

You are right that nobody can make you feel, however, we all live by a script which we devise in childhood in order to survive our environment. Their environment was with a critical controlling parent.

Only they if and when they are ready can come to the conclusions that as adults they can no longer hold you responsible for how they feel and behave in the now. That comes with self awareness.

However, as a parent you do need to bear responsibility for your behaviours one of which from your own post was that you were highly critical of them. There is cause and effect.

If you love your daughters and want to build bridges, maybe you can talk to a counsellor, or someone who may help you get it and help you find a way to communicate that to your daughters. They need to see you as the parent own your behaviours before you can expect them to own theirs.
__________________
******************
There’s one major problem with giving grandparents legal access to their grandchildren. People who inflicted verbal, physical and sexual abuse on their children are then given access to inflict trauma on yet another generation. ~ Wayne and Tamara
*******************
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old April 18th, 2013, 09:03 AM
Annsdil's Avatar
Annsdil Annsdil is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 2,163
Annsdil has a reputation beyond reputeAnnsdil has a reputation beyond reputeAnnsdil has a reputation beyond reputeAnnsdil has a reputation beyond reputeAnnsdil has a reputation beyond reputeAnnsdil has a reputation beyond repute
Re: My daughters resent me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GrannyMel View Post
But honestly, with my oldest what could I have done? I couldn't let her leave the house wearing those clothes. I would be a worse mother to let her go out wearing barely nothing instead of telling her to change. And I believe in telling people the truth, not lying to them.
"That is not appropriate attire for you to be wearing. Please change in to something more suitable or you will not be going out."

Skank, whore and any other words you may have used were unnecessary and were abusive not truthful.
__________________
******************
There’s one major problem with giving grandparents legal access to their grandchildren. People who inflicted verbal, physical and sexual abuse on their children are then given access to inflict trauma on yet another generation. ~ Wayne and Tamara
*******************
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old April 18th, 2013, 09:10 AM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 16,344
KayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond repute
Re: My daughters resent me.

It is difficult to offer constructive criticism with love. I have a teenaged daughter. She was the tomboy type (although she is growing out of that). I think saying "You'd be so pretty if you would just dress up" is heard by the teenager as saying "You aren't pretty now." It was difficult for me, but I made sure to unconditionally accept her as she is - tomboy clothes and all - and find things that she was willing to wear that looked nice on her without being girly. (There is a thread on this forum "How to dress a tomboy" that I started many years ago). When my daughter was a pre-teen and going through so many body changes, she was very uncomfortable with her body. She wasn't alone... I can't tell you how many of her classmates wore sweatshirts on 90 degree days!

I would never tell my daughter that she looked like a whore (even if she did). Telling her she looked like a whore would be very harsh, in my opinion. I offer comments such as "That top is such a pretty color on you, but those shorts aren't very flattering. I bet the white ones would look better."

Clothes aren't what make a person pretty anyway. It's what's inside.

The thing that interests me is that both girls started dressing the way you wanted them to once they left. That tells me that the battle wasn't really about the clothes.
__________________
Expecto Patronum!
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old April 18th, 2013, 09:25 AM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 16,344
KayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond repute
Re: My daughters resent me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GrannyMel View Post
I remember when I used to read their diaries all the time (they never found out) that they thought that stuff as kids, especially my youngest daughter but not as adults. I thought they grew out of those insecurities.
If you were aware of those insecurities, what did you do to make them feel better about themselves? Maybe you think that getting them to wear different clothes would make them feel better about themselves? Unfortunately, that was probably putting the cart before the horse. They needed to feel better about themselves first, THEN they would feel comfortable in more appropriate clothes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GrannyMel View Post
My youngest daughter says she has no self-confidence because of the way I treated her and she still feels ugly to this day. I never once called her "ugly" to her face. She was pretty. She just didn't look it with those boy clothes.
What matters is how she felt. She says you made her feel ugly and she is still suffering the consequences of that. She was a teenager. You were an adult; her mother.


Quote:
Originally Posted by GrannyMel View Post
And I overheard them complaining that I treat my grandchildren better than I did them. My oldest grandchild is eight, and she is beautiful and I am always telling her that. I never criticize her. And I guess that is something my daughters have picked up on and they're actually jealous of this.
Jealous? Or resentful? Or hurt that you couldn't see their beauty the way you see your granddaughter's? Your granddaughter is eight... she probably doesn't pick her own clothes out quite yet.
__________________
Expecto Patronum!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:47 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2022, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright ©2007, The BlueSparks Network