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Old March 22nd, 2013, 02:09 PM
Ruler899 Ruler899 is offline
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Confront a lying friend?

Hi everyone, new here, hope someone can shed some light.

A couple of years ago, I met a friend online. We're both married and both female, so it's just a friendship...no guise of anything more, never was. We live about 6 hours apart and therefore know none of the same people in real life. We have a ton in common, and thus bonded quickly. We email and text often, and have exchanged a couple of letters and packages.

Knowing none of the same people, I've found that it was easier to discuss things with her and confide things in her that I feel I cannot share with my "geographically-near" friends who all know each other. In hindsight, this was stupid and I'm plenty old enough to know better, but I think most of us have been there.

Long story short, I've come to the (slow) conclusion that I believe her to be a pathological liar, or something similar. At first I was willing to believe everything she said, because our normal instinct is to trust and seek friendship. However, over time, most of her "info" just doesn't seem to hold water. There are a lot of things that Google can't prove or disprove, but other things that it easily can. I don't think she has lied about EVERYTHING (read: I don't think she's really a male inmate or anything like that, lol) but I'm 99% sure that she has lied about quite a bit, some of it major. I've given her opportunities to come clean, in roundabout ways, and she hasn't. I kept giving her the benefit of the doubt, fully knowing that we ALL exaggerate or white lie here and there, but it's become too much, and they aren't white lies.

In her defense, she really has been a great friend, offering support when I need it, and it will honestly be a loss in my life in ways. But I just don't feel I can trust her, and I regret telling her some of the things I have told her. Nothing illegal, but certainly things that are embarrassing and that I don't want others to know.

I'd honestly like to call her on her lies. I feel like a bigger fool with every passing day that I don't say anything, but I'm afraid she would be angry and reveal things I said to her in confidence. If she has it in her to lie about multiple things, who's to say she doesn't have it in her to expose things I've told her to my family or my friends? In the age of Facebook and Twitter, nobody is unreachable, never mind the fact that she also has my home address.

Should I call her out, or just try to slowly reduce our communication until we eventually aren't talking as much/at all? We have talked in some form almost every day for over two years...

Edit to add: I truly have no idea what her motivation for lying is, either. She has nothing to "gain" from them, that I can see.

Last edited by Ruler899; March 22nd, 2013 at 02:19 PM.
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Old March 22nd, 2013, 03:48 PM
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Re: Confront a lying friend?

uh - confronting someone who you think is lying rarely works in my expereince - the norm is for them to denigh, deflect, or defend (gas light too)


and you have no proof


best bet is just "fade away" if you're really that uncomfortable
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Old March 22nd, 2013, 03:50 PM
Ruler899 Ruler899 is offline
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Re: Confront a lying friend?

I DO have proof about some of it, just not all of it.
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Old March 22nd, 2013, 03:59 PM
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Re: Confront a lying friend?

take a deep breath - think about it calmly - what would you really accomplish by calling friend out?

If you've disclosed personal private stuff to this person, and then call 'em out - he/she may (not will) stirke back by posting this stuff on line.


However, if you "fade away" /become a black hole ... there's no reason for someone to strike back.
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Old March 22nd, 2013, 05:13 PM
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Re: Confront a lying friend?

Quote:
Originally Posted by snafu View Post
take a deep breath - think about it calmly - what would you really accomplish by calling friend out?

If you've disclosed personal private stuff to this person, and then call 'em out - he/she may (not will) stirke back by posting this stuff on line.


However, if you "fade away" /become a black hole ... there's no reason for someone to strike back.
Completely agree with snafu. I know you're hurt by putting your trust in someone you now know has lied to you even if you don't know the extent of those lies. Wanting to call her out on those lies is not going to make you feel any better and could come back to haunt you later. Best thing really is to gradually reduce contact and let it fade away.
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Old March 22nd, 2013, 05:29 PM
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Re: Confront a lying friend?

I worry that the need to lie is a sign of deeper psycological issues. I don't know anything about pathological lying, though.

I know you don't want to share too much info, but what kind of lies? You say major... Is it something that could/would hurt other people? And, are they lies about herself, or are they lies that someone else (like her mom/husband/adult child) might be telling her?

I had a friend in college who had some deep-seated need for us to believe that she was a model. None of us in the group believed it, because the pictures she showed always omitted her face (i.e. leg shots) and didn't match up with her shape. It was really strange.
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Old March 22nd, 2013, 07:30 PM
Ruler899 Ruler899 is offline
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Re: Confront a lying friend?

Quote:
Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
I worry that the need to lie is a sign of deeper psycological issues. I don't know anything about pathological lying, though.

I know you don't want to share too much info, but what kind of lies? You say major... Is it something that could/would hurt other people? And, are they lies about herself, or are they lies that someone else (like her mom/husband/adult child) might be telling her?

I had a friend in college who had some deep-seated need for us to believe that she was a model. None of us in the group believed it, because the pictures she showed always omitted her face (i.e. leg shots) and didn't match up with her shape. It was really strange.
Exactly.

Without divulging too much info, her job is one of the major ones, and it was one of the first things we talked about. I didn't think much about it at first, assumed it was true (it wasn't astronaut or anything completely outrageous) until some other, smaller things weren't adding up. I don't know what her actual job is, if anything, but it's definitely NOT what she told me it was...and she now seems to be making more lies to protect that one.

Also silly things here and there. An example of something she would do is say we were talking about dogs, and she said she had a Bassett hound, and texted me a photo of "her dog Fido"...a very non-cellphone-snapshot photo...in fact, the very first result if you google image "Bassett hound." Things like that have happened on multiple occasions. Why would anyone feel the need to lie about something like that?

For the most part, no, it's not lies that hurt other people. But when I found out the job was a lie, it just makes me think I cannot trust her at all.

The funny thing is that we've discussed meeting in person when business takes me to her city, and I feel like this facade would crumble around her so quickly in person that I can't believe she's suggesting it at all.
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Old March 22nd, 2013, 07:37 PM
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Re: Confront a lying friend?

You really cannot trust lying liars who lie, especially on the internet.

It doesn't matter why she's lying or what her truth is. She's dishonest.

Cut your losses.
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Old March 25th, 2013, 05:31 PM
WickedVegasInk WickedVegasInk is offline
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Re: Confront a lying friend?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruler899 View Post
Why would anyone feel the need to lie about something like that?
It's possible you will never find out the motives and reasoning behind this persons actions. Some things are just inexplicable, and trying to see the rhyme and reason behind it may only serve to stress you out and confuse you further. I would just let it go.

I think you should just stop talking to them...why bother wasting any more of your time if you know for a fact that they're lying to you, especially about things that make no sense to lie about? They are lying just to see how much bulls*%$ you'll believe, that's what I think. Every single thing they say then becomes suspect, and who wants to deal with that? Too much stress and time spent wondering about the answer to questions that may never get answered at all.

Obviously, I have absolutely no patience for liars, cons and scam artists...which this person may very well be. You should be extremely careful if you continue to stay in contact with them. They may have been just laying the groundwork to try to run a con or scam on you. Please exercise caution!

Whatever you decide to do, please just protect yourself and your identity.
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Old March 26th, 2013, 10:59 AM
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Re: Confront a lying friend?

Do what you want. Eventually you'll probably get tired of the lies and you'll just quit communicating with her altogether.
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