Go Back   Friends and Family Forum > The Family Forum > All Grown Up

All Grown Up A place to discuss "adult" children.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old November 7th, 2008, 02:29 PM
Becky Becky is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 8
Becky is on a distinguished road
Daughter dating a 'loser'

Hello,
I'm new here, and found this forum trying to figure out why my daughter is doing what she's doing! She is 25, and has a 'history' of dating 'losers'. Her last one was 6 years ago, and ended up with her having my grandsons, who is the love of my life. They have lived with me since she found out she was pregnant. She seemed to be getting her life together-had a full time job at a school, bought a vehicle, was going to school to eventually get her teaching degree. Whew! I thought she finally had her life figured out. Was I wrong. Early in September, she met this guy-who I know now she was lying about...job/schooling etc. etc. They went 'out'-she was the one to drive (she said she 'didn't mind', then I found it it was because he has no car!) a total of 3 times! Within 2 weeks, she stormed out of here, took her son, and is living with this guy. I have since found out that besides having no car, he has no job, which to me obviously means no money, no future...my grandson says he sits home and plays video games! He's 32. I have also found out she has quit her schooling among other things. This has totally ripped our relationship apart. Why would she do this? I think it's a total lack of self esteem, even though I've done everything I could do through the years to help her with that-I guess I didn't do enough. I've gone from complete anger to 'what did I do wrong' to I don't want to talk to her-the complete gamut of emotions. I don't know what to do next. Do I just leave her alone? Actually, she won't talk to me anyway! I have a real 'gut' feeling that he is 'abusing' her-maybe not physically, but emotionally. I can find NOTHING good that 'HE' has brought to her life, and I don't see why she insists on staying.
Okay, that's enough! Thanks for letting me vent!
Becky
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old November 8th, 2008, 08:16 AM
Mandee Mandee is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 11
Mandee is on a distinguished road
Re: Daughter dating a 'loser'

Hi Becky.

I'm sorry I have no answers for you, but I can sympathize! I have a 24 year old daughter who only dates the loser type you describe.

I know how you feel being angry and then wondering what you did wrong and then back to not even wanting to talk to your daughter. I've been there like a roller coaster!

I don't know if just leaving your daugther alone will help or not. It didn't help with my situation if I left her alone or bugged her off-and-on or constantly!

All I know is, we really want our adult children to get a good solid future going so we can settle back and relax a bit. And when we see them going down a path to nowhere it's upsetting. We also want to be happy for our children, yet when they choose paths that lead to nowhere we don't think they are going to end up happy so that's upsetting too. Then to top that off, when our adult children don't seem to care that they are going nowhere we end up lost for words to explain, even to ourselves, how we feel.

We fear all sorts of things when we don't understand why our daughters would get a relationship going with a loser. Even the emotional abuse thing has been in my mind as well. You have an additional fear since your grandson is involved.

Anyway, like I said. I'm in your shoes so I have no answers! Just wanted to offer support.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old November 8th, 2008, 02:00 PM
Becky Becky is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 8
Becky is on a distinguished road
Re: Daughter dating a 'loser'

Hi Mandee,
Thanks for the support! I have read your story, and it sounds SO familiar! I just wish I knew what the answer was. My daughter, too, sounds so Jekyll/Hyde-what's with that? She is the nicest person ever when she's NOT with these 'losers'. I told her once, it's like she's 'possessed', and I'm in some kind of science fiction movie. I told her this time that she should go to some kind of counseling to find out WHY she seems to attract this kind of person, and how to change that. She agreed, but then said, 'I won't leave him though...' Well, that kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it! I am convinced he is very controlling-she's done too many things since she's been with him that have proven that to me. Her son (5) is staying with me this week end. She actually will allow that-assuming she will answer her email with me asking-that is never a sure thing. Anyway, he told me last night-out of the blue-that 'they were fighting again last night...' I hate to see him in that environment, but there's nothing I can do. I do know this is not her 'Prince Charming' like she thought he was. I can't stand the lies either-she knows the truth will come out sooner or later. I'm sure 'he' doesn't want her to leave since SHE is the one with a vehicle, the only one with any kind of job, the one who is so easily controlled and manipulated. I want to know who's paying the rent, paying for groceries, just living day to day. She doesn't make enough herself, which is the reason they lived here. She was going to school to get her teaching degree...that's done...she quit. Honestly, I can think of NOTHING he has done that's been good for either her or my grandson. Your situation sounds about the same...it helps to know I'm not alone, I guess.
I will wish you the best with your daughter, and mine. I hope they both can come to their senses and realize they do not deserve this-they deserve SO much better, and they WOULD get it if they didn't continue to 'settle' for less...so much less.
I wish you luck!
Becky
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old November 8th, 2008, 03:24 PM
Mandee Mandee is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 11
Mandee is on a distinguished road
Re: Daughter dating a 'loser'

Oh, Becky I had to laugh at your 'possessed' remark! You think I haven't had that enter my mind as well?

The rest of what you said is exactly mine and daughter/daughter and loser guy's situation too...minus the child.

My daughter usually pretends to me her guy is prefect, but she finally ends up admitting they fight over things she says are none of my business - so I have no idea what she finds is worth fighting about. She ends up saying they worked it out and now all is fine though no matter what it was. I try to tell her so many disagreements at the beginning of a relationship should tell her to let it go! She won't hear of it.

Before my daughter met this guy she thought anyone who did drugs was a loser. This guy tells her he used to do all sorts of drugs but he's clean now...uh huh, ok.....so I run a background check on him and find out he has a recent drug record! Just 2 misdemeanors for Pot and paraphenalia, but I showed it to daughter. Her answer, So what? Everyone makes mistakes.

I'd believe he might be off drugs if he wasn't constantly going without sleep and boucing off the walls all the time. She says if he was still doing any he's tell her because they have an honest relationship! I asked her why he didn't tell her he had a drug record. She went and asked him about it and he said, guess what? It wasn't his drugs.

Daughter also used to have nothing for anyone who would drink and drive. This guy came to our house for dinner so we could meet him and he drank 12 beers and a half a fifth of scotch in about 6 hours. He drank most of it toward the end and started slurring his speach, then he left after getting ticked off at me for offering him coffee and to sit for awhile. He was offended! You know he was over the legal limit to drive, but did my daughter think it was wrong for him to be out driving like that? Nope! She said he could hold it! She'd seen him drink more! And he was fine.

Where does her brain go when she's with this loser? An alternate universe?

She also has always had a dreaded fear of knives. This guy carries a huge fish gutting knife on his belt that has this keen thing where the sheath turns it into a switchblade function. Daughter has no qualms about his carrying it at all times. She feels safe. I don't.

I don't know if your daughter does this or not, but mine tells boyfriend everything I say about their relationship. She did the same thing with her last loser before this one. I think she bonds with them that way. Shared enemy.

Good luck with your daughter too! I hope both our daughters get their heads straight soon!
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old November 8th, 2008, 03:33 PM
Becky Becky is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 8
Becky is on a distinguished road
Re: Daughter dating a 'loser'

Mandee...
Can't write a lot now, but are you sure our daughters aren't one in the same?! It's incredible to read-I honestly had no idea there were 2 of these girls running around ruining their lives. Incredible. I will write more a little later.
Becky
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old November 8th, 2008, 06:10 PM
Becky Becky is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 8
Becky is on a distinguished road
Re: Daughter dating a 'loser'

Mandee,
I just can not get over how alike our daughters are. It's incredible. Yes, my daughter lies over and over about 'them' to make me think they are actually decent people until I find out otherwise. I didn't trust what she was telling me about this one from day 1, then I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt until I realized none of this makes any sense, and asked her too many questions, I guess. It was only a few days later that she stormed out. I don't think she's ever gone out with a 'decent' one-she has no idea what it would be like, how it could change her life-for the GOOD for a change.
I'm sure, too, that either 'HE' is reading her email that I send, or she tells him. I've never met him, and don't care to. She only knew him 2 weeks, and I didn't think it was necessary to have him over here that soon-then it all blew up anyway. I know the holidays are going to be hard for her-without family around. I will NOT invite him here-and she knows that. She gets so upset when I bring up the 'past', but I tell her, 'I wouldn't bring it up if you didn't insist on re-living it'. It's always the same thing over and over again. Will she ever learn? I am beginning to think not. I know, just from my grandson, that things are not 'good' there. You would think for her sons sake if nothing else, she'd leave, but she won't. I will never understand. She was not raised to do things like this. It is so Jekyll and Hyde with her-and I don't like who she is now at all.
I can't remember if you said, but what is your 'relationship' with your daughter now? She's still gone, right? Do you talk on the phone/email? I go from 'ripping' her because I am SO mad, to apologizing for whatever I can think of that I did, to begging, to you name it. Nothing gets through to her. I'm at the end of my rope not knowing where to go or what to do any more. When she's 'herself', we are best friends! We've had such good times together. But, when she's like 'this', I can't stand her. If I thought there was ' hope', it would be a little easier-I'm just afraid any 'hope' I had is gone.
Where do you live? I'm in Minnesota-if you are, I'm convinced it's something in the water here! Other than that, I have no clue what's happened to either of us.
Enjoy the rest of your week end-or try to.
Becky
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old November 8th, 2008, 06:11 PM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 16,360
KayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Daughter dating a 'loser'

Hi Becky! I don't have anything to add... I just wanted to say hello and welcome.
__________________
Expecto Patronum!
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old January 11th, 2010, 08:12 AM
Larry_Tamas Larry_Tamas is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 6
Larry_Tamas is on a distinguished road
Re: Daughter dating a 'loser'

Hi there,

Sorry to hear about this situation...but your daughter is 25 years old, so whilst this might not be what you chose for her...she is old enough to make her own choices.

I know its painful when you can see that they are not "right"...but what else can you do? The more you try to pull her away from this guy, the more chance she will reject you, and thats the last thing anybody wants.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old January 11th, 2010, 11:27 PM
ladydi ladydi is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 11
ladydi is on a distinguished road
Re: Daughter dating a 'loser'

Nope...
she is 20..
he is 33...
she still lives at home with me....
This is her first real boyfriend...
She hasnt even got her foot out the door...
Im thinking he is at a different place in his life, cause he is 13.5 years older than her.
He's all serious...
Im worried....
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:27 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2022, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2007, The BlueSparks Network