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Old April 4th, 2013, 01:48 PM
OverIt OverIt is offline
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Frustrated

I am an adult with 2 daughters (21 & 19). I have 2 sisters and a mom who live in the same city (maybe 15 minutes apart from each other). Our mom visits them and calls them daily. It is normal for her to call me every 2-3 weeks. I have lived at my house for 13 years and she has been there a total of 7 times and that is mostly because of holidays that she came with my sister. She uses excuses as to why she cant come to my house - normally it is she doesnt have gas money. I have told her over and over how it makes me feel but it never changes. She spends the whole summer at my sisters house hanging around the pool. I can count the times she has came to my house and hung out by the pool - ZERO.

I understand that I am 40 and should get over it but it is hard to get over something that continues. I always hear from my middle sister, "Mom, did this with my son", "Mom came over this weekend", ect.. The behavior has continued on with how she treats my daughters - she favors my sisters kids and only sees mine on holidays. My dad died 2 years ago and I feel like I have no one left.

When my oldest sister and I lived by each other and got into a fight. Our mom would go to her house but not mine becuase my oldest sister would get mad if she did. Maybe it all started then. I do remember that she gave my sister a baby shower when she had both of her kids and didnt give me a baby shower when I had both of my daughters. Yes, that does bother me.

Everytime I try to move on, she starts calling my phone then cries to my sister if I dont answer asking why I am mad and did she do something wrong - like, really?? It is like she doesnt understand that she treats me differently.
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Old April 4th, 2013, 02:20 PM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: Frustrated

I am sorry for your pain, OverIt. Sadly, you cannot make your mother treat you differently, so you will have to figure out how to deal with her behavior.

I can tell you this: the favored children end up paying the most for that status. The relationship your mother has with your sisters is not a healthy one. It is enmeshed. Your mother exerts much more control on their lives than on yours, and your sisters do the same to her.

It is hurtful to be the adult child who is detached from the family unit, yet you are the one who is fee of that entanglement. You escaped!

What is your relationship like with your daughters? Is your husband in the picture? What plans do you have for your own future?
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Old April 4th, 2013, 02:31 PM
OverIt OverIt is offline
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Re: Frustrated

Thank you!! My relationship with my daughters is excellent. I love them more than anything and we are very close. I have been married to their father for 22 years. They see the issue and also have issues with my mon because of this.

It just bothers me because my mom always promises that things will change but it doesnt. I could understand if I lived in another state but I live in the same city. I think of things she has done to me and I could never treat my daughters like that. I think that is why it bothers me so much is because I cant understand how a mother who says she loves her daughter can go months without seeing her and weeks without talking to her.
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Old April 4th, 2013, 03:11 PM
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Re: Frustrated

Are you and your sisters getting along well now? I can imagine how you feel. Almost all familys have dysfunctional relationships.
Sounds like your the middle child to boot.
Lucy was right tho, you have your freedom from control and critisism.
Why don't you throw a pool party this summer, and invite your friends as well as all family members. Mom won't have an excuse because she can ride with your sister.
Your friends will be there for support.
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Old April 4th, 2013, 03:16 PM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: Frustrated

Quote:
Originally Posted by OverIt View Post
I think that is why it bothers me so much is because I cant understand how a mother who says she loves her daughter can go months without seeing her and weeks without talking to her.
There's a logic equation in that which leads to a painful conclusion: a mother who loves her child would see her. My mother doesn't see me, therefore she must not love me.

The problem with this is that someone else's love cannot be measured by another's ruler. You can't imagine treating your daughters like this. What a gift for your daughters! But it gives you no insight to your mother's love for you.

You've talked to her about this. She assures you she loves you but her behavior doesn't change. It isn't because she doesn't love you. Change is hard, and changing a dysfunctional family system is the hardest thing to change. You have at least 1 sister that absolutely refuses to change. And you are powerless to change them.

My advice is to accept that they are broken people who cannot give you what you want. Focus instead on those healthy relationships you do have, and find satisfaction in them.

Maybe something will change in that system, but by then, you will be aware of the problems with that type of relationship and will maybe not want to be engaged in it.

Good luck! I hope you stick around. We are in the same age group and you'd fit in well here.
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Old April 4th, 2013, 06:31 PM
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Re: Frustrated

Quote:
Originally Posted by OverIt View Post
I think that is why it bothers me so much is because I cant understand how a mother who says she loves her daughter can go months without seeing her and weeks without talking to her.
My mother is the same. She can go days without talking to me and it hurts. It's just me living with her, and I don't have any friends to actually talk to so I think I rely on her to talk to me when she's at home. Usually when I try to have a conversation with her she's so short with me. Or if I do get a conversation going which is rare, the phone will ring and our conversation immediately ends. Another thing she will do is stay on the phone all night after she's at work, and if I go in there and politely ask to talk to her she'll get an attitude and say "I'm on the phone"... Sometimes she MAY want to know what it is that I have to say but by that time I figure it's no longer important if she can't pause 5 seconds of her phone time for me.
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Old April 5th, 2013, 07:59 AM
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Re: Frustrated

Hi, smurray09, I have moved all responses to this post to your original thread. I don't want OverIt's thread to be hijacked or derailed. Thank you for understanding.
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