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Old February 20th, 2013, 02:43 PM
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Sexually molested by father as a teenager

I didn't include this part of my story in my previous posts, because this is a whole another complicated story. After getting many feedback from the other members about the issues I'm having with my parents, I thought maybe I could get some more help.

I was sexually molested as a teenager (by my father). Long story short, he took pictures of my genitals when digital cameras just came out, touched my genitals, and said things like "I want to have intercourse with you." I am engaged right now, and my fiance doesn't know about this. I had many frustrating situations with my father and my fiance was very supportive of me the whole time. I am ashamed to tell my fiance about my past and I'm afraid that he'll look at me differently. It pains me that I have to hide something from him though. I am also angry that I had to go through all those emotions as a teenager (my father's behavior continued until I started dating my fiance, which he was strongly against at first). Should I tell my fiance? Should I wait until we get married? I'm worried that he'll never see my parents.

I could provide more details if needed... and thank you for reading.
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Old February 20th, 2013, 04:19 PM
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Re: Sexually molested by father as a teenager

This is absolutely something you need counseling about, sjs. This needs to be discussed with a counselor and then with your fiance. He might need to meet with your counselor too.

Your father did something reprehensible, but YOU did NOT. You have nothing to be ashamed of; your father does.
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Old February 20th, 2013, 05:53 PM
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Re: Sexually molested by father as a teenager

Counciling will be painful, but it will be even more painful in the long run if you don't go. If you don't heal, it will always be a festering sore.


Let's just say I had a cousin with issues... but my DM didn't stick her head in the sand ... due to her nothing horrid happened
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Old February 20th, 2013, 06:41 PM
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Re: Sexually molested by father as a teenager

Then should I talked to a psychologist first or should I talk to my fiance first? I am still in grad school, so I don't have much extra money...
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Old February 20th, 2013, 10:01 PM
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Re: Sexually molested by father as a teenager

I think it's really your call, sjs. What do you feel more comfortable doing?

Check the student services at your grad school - many times schools offer free counseling services for students. Also, if I recall correctly, you are sending your parents money out of your grad school stipend. I think that's money better spent on yourself.
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Old February 21st, 2013, 04:43 AM
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Re: Sexually molested by father as a teenager

Definitely check with student services. You may need the support of a counselor to tell your fiancé. I'm not concerned that he never wants to see your parents. I'm worried that you still want to see your father after what he did to you. He broke boundaries and you still can't protect yourself.

Also, call the police. What your father did to you was heinous. It was also criminal. You may not be his only victim. There may be more before you. There will definitely be more after you. Those pictures he took... Where are they? Did he share them? Sell them? I don't want to make your suffering worse. I want you to feel empowered and take control.

(((Hugs))). You can survive this and have a good, healthy life.
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Old February 21st, 2013, 06:50 AM
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Re: Sexually molested by father as a teenager

I agree with kaykay & lucy


((hugs)) part of dealing with this will also be rules for your own children (if/when you have any.... my DM aked me if I wanted to let "that" part of her family know I got remarried.... I said no, as I got a DSD & never wanted a chance of her being exposed to cousin)
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Old March 4th, 2013, 06:35 AM
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Re: Sexually molested by father as a teenager

Thanks everyone for your support.

I'm not sure what he did with the pictures that he took. Actually, when I was in high school, my brother accidentally found them while he was searching for something else on the computer, and it became a huge problem in our family. My brother told my mom about it, and when that happened, my dad left the house and didn't come back until my mom went to get him. We were all scared that he left, because we were the only ones living in America at the time, and we immigrated to America just 1-2 years at the time. So even though my mom was angry, she had to go and get him. Funny thing is though, my mom knew where he was, because they have a very good relationship together. My dad always puts family first. When he came back, the topic was taboo. He said he erased the pictures, but who knows if he kept them...

So after that, he didn't touch me inappropriately for a while. But then it started again somehow. I don't remember quite well, because I always hated it and thought that I'm not a normal kid. He always said that he believes in premarital sex, because sex is the best thing humans can enjoy. And because he didn't want my studies to be interfered by boys, he said he'd do his best to "entertain" me while I'm studying and not dating any guys. This is when he was obsessed with the idea that he wanted to teach me the feeling of orgasm. He also asked me to look at his private area and if I could touch him for a bit. I always hated when I was alone at home with dad (my mom worked, and my dad was taking a break from work at the time). I was always afraid of when he'd talk to me about sexual stuff.

And all of this became an issue again when my brother was at college. So he didn't know anything about this. But when I was fighting with my dad, I "took revenge" of my dad by telling my mom what happened. And my mom got angry again, but she couldn't do anything. Because my mom can't do anything on her own without my dad. I think that she was worried about the family being ruined if my dad wasn't there. It also seems that Asian mothers sacrifice themselves in order to protect this fantasy called family. So she just said that I should never talk about this to anyone.

It happened again when I was starting to date my fiance. If you've seen my post, I had a lot of trouble with my dad because he was completely opposed to me dating any guys until I finished grad school. He said that dating will make me drop out of grad school and fail. But I wasn't obedient and kept dating. So when things got really bad between him and me, somehow I always kept thinking back to what happened when I was a teenager. I ended up talking to my brother about things that happened ever since he discovered those photos. My brother thought that my dad's behavior ended when he discovered the photos, and he also respected our dad a lot. As I said before, my dad always put family first, cooked for us, and worked hard for us. So my brother was shocked and he was ill due to severe stress after hearing the story. He's married, so it must have been very difficult for him to keep this from his wife. And then he decided to tell my mom about the story. And my mom flipped and talked to my dad about how I told my brother. They were so angry that I told my brother because they told me not to tell anyone about our situation. My dad even said that he wants to kill himself on the phone many times (and so did I). I freaked out of course, because without my dad, my mom can't do anything and she will be left all alone. My dad told me that the only way to "save our family" is to call my brother, and said that it was all my fault, that I was the one who seduced my dad to do things. And because I was so worried about losing my family, I did. I called my brother and said that it was all my fault. Ever since then, my relationship with my brother isn't the same anymore. We used to be very close, but it's very awkward now.

That's the story so far... of course, my relationship with my dad isn't the same anymore. To him, I'm a disobedient daughter who keeps telling others behind his back. I felt relieved while I was talking my brother about all the things that happened because I was never able to share it with anyone, because I knew it was abnormal. I was worried that this will ruin my marriage, and that's why I posted asking if this is something I should share with my fiance.

At this point, I don't even want my dad to walk me down the aisle, but I don't want to have bad relationships with my fiance's family. It's not like I can explain to them about my situation, because I don't my dad to be arrested, because then my mom will be left by herself and my parents are not American citizens (they are permanent residents). If he's arrested, he will be sent back to the country we came from.

My question is, if I talk about this to my therapist, will he/she break the confidentiality to arrest my dad?

To add to the story, my dad had an abusive father and step-mother. He had a very sad childhood. His only full brother committed suicide a few years ago. My paternal grandparents are both deceased now. My dad might not be normal, but I believe that he still puts family before everything else....
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Old March 4th, 2013, 06:56 AM
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Re: Sexually molested by father as a teenager

I'm a father of two daughters and a grandfather of three granddaughters. That was a terrible thing that has been done to you. You said you were in college... I'm not certain, but I believe there are counseling services available to college students. I have no idea about the cost, but this (counseling) is something that should not be avoided.

Quote:
My question is, if I talk about this to my therapist, will he/she break the confidentiality to arrest my dad?

To add to the story, my dad had an abusive father and step-mother. He had a very sad childhood. His only full brother committed suicide a few years ago. My paternal grandparents are both deceased now.My dad might not be normal, but I believe that he still puts family before everything else....
Can he be arrested? I don't know the laws about these things.

Please don't make excuses for him. What he did was wrong and it was not your fault.

Please seek counseling for this. It may be difficult, but this is your life now.

I'm happy that you have a good fiance. I'm sure he will support you completely.
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Old March 4th, 2013, 11:38 AM
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Re: Sexually molested by father as a teenager

Make the appointment with the counselor and ask the question about reporting childhood sexual assault and confidentiality.

You should not be bearing the shame of abuse. Your father and your mother are both guilty. Your father for continuing to abuse you and your mother for not stopping it or allowing you to report it. Google sexual abuse and secrets and you will see what the true cost of keeping this secret is. You should not have to pay that price.
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