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Old January 23rd, 2013, 11:01 PM
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Really, really overbearing mother

Hello everyone I'm so glad I found this place, I think I just need to vent about what is going on, I don't really know anyone who understands what I am going through.

I am a 24 year old, still living at home with her mom. My entire life my mom has been overbearing, controlling, and overprotective. But I had never realized the extent of it until I tried to become a little more independent. She has become officially impossible to get along with. She still yells at me like I am a child, tells me how to do things and what I am doing wrong, and has recently been saying that I am such a horrible person and that I've "changed". I will admit, my attitude towards her has been different recently, but it is because I am frustrated and fed up with her and the fact that she still wants to control me, doesn't let me live my life, and won't let me move out.

I don't want to toot my own horn but I think I have been a pretty darn good daughter. I never gave her any trouble when I was a kid, like, at all. I never came home drunk or high, or did drugs or dated a billion guys. I got good grades. I put myself through college, I've had a job for the past 5 years, and bought my own car so I could commute to university. I was the first in the family to graduate with a bachelor's degree. She lost the house to foreclosure and lost her job 5 years ago and we had to rent an apartment, I got a job and helped her pay rent and bills, and I help take my grandma to her doctors appointments while she is at work (grandma lives with us). Since I turned about 15, I literally never asked her for anything.

She likes to remind me all the time about how she raised me by herself and gave me everything, and how she never went out on dates or abandoned me by going out with guys. So since she did that for me, I now owe her and I should take care of her. Whenever the subject of me leaving or moving out has come up she reminds me of this, and recently she mentioned that in the future when she's not working anymore (she's 60 and close to retiring) she probably won't have enough money to live on her own.

I have a boyfriend and we've been dating for 3 years. We used to see each other everyday but last September he moved away for school. I was supposed to move in with him since I had graduated already, but I didn't. He is now a 1hr 45 min drive away, and I visit him on weekends. I didn't move in with him because of my mom, but also because I just wasn't sure how I felt about living with a boyfriend before marriage and I just didn't think I was too ready for it. After 4 months of spending weekends with him, I am now 110% sure that I want to move in with him. Every time I have to leave he asks me if there is anyway I could stay an extra day longer, and we are both always on the verge of tears when I leave. All I we want is to be with each other. My mom doesn't like this and she tries to tell me that I'm stupid and I'm chasing him, and that we won't last, and that she didn't need a man, and tries to tell me that he has changed me, or that spending too much time at his house with his family has brain washed me, something even I don't understand. She has probably been the biggest strain on our relationship because while my boyfriend has been nothing but nice to her, she has always been so indifferent with him, my grandma loves him, but my mom always puts on an air when he's around. When we started dating she used to freak out at the idea of us being alone in his room, and would tell me to come home after a few hours, I was 21 at the time. And ever since she knew he was leaving for school she asked me what I was going to do, at first I would sort of drop a hint and said, "maybe I'll go with him", to see what she would say. She would freak out and say, "what about me?", "You're going to leave me by myself? What am I supposed to do?" "I can't be by myself".

I am her only child, my dad is out of the picture. My mom blames my grandma for the way her life is and her unhappiness. I think she feels resentful and she feels like she was "stuck" with her because her two other siblings didn't offer to help take care of her. She doesn't really have any friends, doesn't communicate with the rest of my family very much, and doesn't have any interest in anything except shopping. I don't go anywhere with her anymore because she tends to start fights with people and has a problem with something or someone everywhere she goes.

My grandma is almost 90 years old, her asthma has been acting up for the past 2 years and it has become chronic, she has had to go into the hospital several times to help treat it. Last weekend my mom was by herself with her since I was at my boyfriend's. and she had to take her to the E.R. because the asthma started getting bad. She called me to yell at me about how I'm not there to help her, how I should feel bad about it and how I should be there. She has had to take my grandma in plenty of times before, times when I didn't go with her because I was in school or something, I have even taken her myself before, I visit her everyday when she is in, I just did so today and yesterday. She will be in the hospital over the weekend and my mom is furious about me going to my boyfriends house and leaving her at the house by herself. What am I supposed to do? Am I being selfish? Unreasonable? Am I supposed to put my entire life on hold for my mom? I am not her life partner, I am her daughter, I can't live my life for her. I would love to help her in the future when I have more money when she's older, but I just can't live with her forever. I need to move on. I feel so held back and not as mature as I should be, I don't feel like I have really experienced life yet. I'm terrified that my boyfriend will get fed up with me not being able to move in, we plan on getting married someday, but how can we get married when I'm living with my mom forever? The stress of this, my grandma being sick, me not being able to find a job right now and needing to pay for my own bills, and pretty soon taxes, is too much for me to handle. I feel overwhelmed with everything, and completely miserable.

Thank you to whoever took the time to read this, I know it was long, any comments would be greatly appreciated
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Old January 24th, 2013, 04:55 AM
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Re: Really, really overbearing mother

You're an adult - way I see it is that its time to move out and live your life (but it doesn't have to be with your BF)- or wait until she passes (which could be 30 yr from now) before you live your own life
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Old January 24th, 2013, 05:06 AM
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Re: Really, really overbearing mother

You are not being selfish; your mother is.

Get your resume together, find a job, and move out. Don't discuss it with her. Don't ask her blessing or her permission.

At this time, you should find a small place that you can afford on your own. Although you know you want to live with your boyfriend, there is a small possibility that you want to escape your mother and his place may be the means to do that.

Visit with your grandmother. Help when you can, but leave immediately if your mother starts to criticize you. End all phone calls and visits immediately whenever your mother criticizes you. If she cannot afford to retire, feel bad for her, but understand that your mother has to be responsible for herself. She's almost 60. It's time she grew up and allowed you to grow up to.

Good luck!
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Old January 24th, 2013, 08:26 AM
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Re: Really, really overbearing mother

I agree with Sanfu and Lucy, Move what is she going to do call the cops? You do not need her permission, I don't think you even need to tell her just do it.
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Old January 25th, 2013, 03:47 PM
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Re: Really, really overbearing mother

Quote:
She likes to remind me all the time about how she raised me by herself and gave me everything, and how she never went out on dates or abandoned me by going out with guys. So since she did that for me, I now owe her and I should take care of her. Whenever the subject of me leaving or moving out has come up she reminds me of this
Guilt trip. Answer: This was your choice, a decision you made, not my responsibility.

Quote:
She would freak out and say, "what about me?", "You're going to leave me by myself? What am I supposed to do?" "I can't be by myself".
Guilt trip. Answer: Yes. You. Will. Be. Fine.

Quote:
She called me to yell at me about how I'm not there to help her, how I should feel bad about it and how I should be there.
Guilt trip. Answer: You've coped fine previously, you will cope fine now, and you will cope fine in the future. (At this stage, i've pointed out the guilt tripping and said it was unacceptable behaviour).

I didn't used to recognise this behaviour for what it was, as i'd grown up with a very subtle version of it too. I was lucky(?) enough to be acquainted with someone who wasn't as expert at this as my family, could see it for what it was. I learnt to just meet it with absolute bluntness. Don't pretty up or soften your answers.
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Old April 2nd, 2013, 11:45 PM
smurray09 smurray09 is offline
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Re: Really, really overbearing mother

You know, your mother acts exactly like mine. Constantly yelling, talking down, etc. Only difference is, you have the ability to leave whenever you want. Thankfully you have a job and a car (I have one, but she keeps putting repairs off).
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