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Old September 7th, 2012, 10:49 AM
Jen1985 Jen1985 is offline
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Unhappy MIL problems :(

Hi, I'm new to this but I could do with some help. Or even just a little rant.

My husband and I have been married for 2years and about a year ago we moved in with his parents so we could save for a deposit on our own house (to rent, not buy). We only planned on staying with them a few months and in the meantime they decided that when they retire (next June) they will be moving abroad which means we will take over their house. So we stayed living with them. For a while it was fine but My mother in law is driving me crazy!!! Every thing she does annoys me, she repeats herself about 10 times every time she says anything. She goes in our room for no reason, she bangs around early in the morning when everyone is trying to sleep, she feeds my little dog crap like curry etc which makes her ill, she doesn't listen to a word me or my husband tell her and is just generally really loud and annoying.

I know compared to a lot of people my problem is tiny but I really want to move out but my husband refuses to even talk about it. Every time I try and mention moving out to a rented house he says we can't afford it and even if we could it would upset his mum if we did. He says that he feels like he can't win as if we stay there I will be unhappy and if we move out his mum will be unhappy. It's less than a year till they move away and he thinks I should be able to cope till then.

It's getting to the point now that Im even considering moving out without him, I don't want to leave him, I really don't but I can't stay there any longer. I feel like I'm loosing my mind!! I know I sound like a selfish b***c but I dont want to fall out with his mum and I know the if I continue to live like this I will snap and we will never speak again.

Also, I have tried talking to her about going in our room and feeding the dog curry etc and she says sorry and that she will stop but then continues like the conversation didn't happen.
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Old September 7th, 2012, 11:45 AM
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Re: MIL problems :(

You don't sound selfish. You sound like a young wife who needs to have her own home. You married a boy who wasn't independent enough to provide for you. He's choosing the easy way out. Was living with his parents always part of the plan?

IMO, waiting for them to retire and move is wasting your precious time. They may decide not to do either. Do you have children? Assuming you do not, if you can afford to move out, find your own place with or without DH. His childhood home will never be your home, anyway because you'll have to keep things the same as his mom did.

Good luck!
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Old September 7th, 2012, 12:24 PM
Jen1985 Jen1985 is offline
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Re: MIL problems :(

Thank u. We don't have children together but my husband has 2from a previous relationship who stay with us every weekend. She also intefers with them. If,for example, I tell them to get their pj's on she will repeat what I have said to them straight after I have said it. I have a brilliant relationship with my step children so it's not like I need her to back me up when dealing with them.

Right now I am sat in my bedroom whilst the rest of the family watch a movie together in the other room. I feel so excluded from their family unit. I know they probably think I'm a miserable cow for sitting here alone but I can't bear to be around her anymore.
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Old September 7th, 2012, 12:25 PM
Jen1985 Jen1985 is offline
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Re: MIL problems :(

Also, no living with them was not always part of the plan. We moved in because the house we lived in before was pretty much filling apart and we wanted time to save for a nice house x
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Old September 7th, 2012, 02:03 PM
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Re: MIL problems :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jen1985 View Post
He says that he feels like he can't win as if we stay there I will be unhappy and if we move out his mum will be unhappy.
Oooooh brother! What a dangerous thing for a man to say to his wife!

I'm very conflict adverse. The way I would handle this comment would be with genuine confusion: "Well, I know why *I* would be unhappy. Between the loss of privacy, the concern over my dog's health, and the different schedules that we keep, you're right! Living here is stressful for me. But what I don't understand is why your MOM would be unhappy if we moved out? Us being here is stressful for her too!"

IMO Jen1985, the reality is that (IMO) it's difficult for two family units to share a home - especially when they had their own homes previously. It is easier for your DH because he was raised by his mother; her eccentricities are the norm for him. Please do not take offense to this, because it is not meant to be offensive, but you probably annoy your MIL as much as she annoys you. That is not to say that you are annoying... it just means that there is a flip side to everything.

I had to live with my future IL's for a couple of months before DH and I got married (apartment lease was up and after the wedding I was moving out of town to be with DH). It was very nice of my IL's to allow that, but I had all of the same complaints you did. My MIL annoyed the living daylights out of me, as well as seriously overstepping some boundaries, and that was really the beginning of the end of the previously friendly relationship we had had. However, now that I've had 20+ years of my own home and now have teenagers whose space I try to respect, I can sort of put the shoe on the other foot and understand where my MIL was coming from. Kind of. I understand why she kept walking into "my" room (because it was - in her mind - my DH's room in her house and she had been walking into it his whole life), but I still don't understand why she went through my underwear drawer.

I agree with Lucy that you ought to not count on your IL's to retire and move. I think it'd be worth living in a one room shack that you can afford, and then moving back in to their house AFTER they are gone. You can still see them often and whatever if your DH wants to keep his mom happy, but everyone needs their own space.
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Old September 7th, 2012, 08:05 PM
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Re: MIL problems :(

an efficency apartment is less expensive


- I think husbands (and wives) should make the person they want to sleep with happy - and if they chose to make someone else happy - that's who they should be sleeping with (or sleeping on their own)
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Old September 15th, 2012, 04:49 PM
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Re: MIL problems :(

Your question is nottt funny but some replies are, especially the last one haha

Okay so let me tell you, I'm in my 20s, absolutly same position you are in I was in earlier this year.

Here is what we did, we moved out, his parents hated us, I was happy to not be stressed anymore, but here is the problem that you might run into: a separation. Yupp that's me right here right now. However the separation is because he all of a sudden cant go to Canada (we're living in Europe atm).

You just dont want to make his mom feel liek you are "kidnapping her son away from her". If you do, and if hez a mamma's boy, he might end up running back to mommy. You have to talk to him and have him understand that he is yours and you are his and that no matter what the case, communication happens between the 2 of you and ONLYYYY the two of you regarding YOUR own future. DONT allow the inlaws to control this. If you do, you'll end up like me..... if you care to know, I'm still waiting to see if he'll come running back to me (once he realizes what life is like living under a roof where you are not the "man of the house").

Try to get a small 1 bedroom furnished place, he should give this though. Nowww the big thing is "what's the reason" gonna be for moving out.... our reason was that my grandparents are old and need someone to live with them to take care of them (which was true but obviously not the main reason). They were somewhat understanding (not really, as his dad said "leave this house and never come back again!", he took him under his roof however when he went back a bit over a month ago). Why dont you use a good excuse like "one of us found a good job and it would be closer to work if we lived over there"....and then magically get fired or sumthing but say that you signed a 9month lease or sumthing haha I donno, just an idea. I'm not encouraging you to lie but if you must then do it, we lied a bit and we were very very happy once we left the IL's house.

P.s. dont talk to him about this while in the house, she mite evesdropp from behind the door, and DO NOTTT write your "plan" on a piece of paper as it might get into the "wrong hands" if you know what I mean... I still can't believe I did that, but more importantly what they were doing in our room... haha this piece of paper that said "plan" was said that it was found outside near the garbage can and that a cat probably dug it out of the bag.... haha yeahhh we never threw that paper out, why would we... don't worry you arnt the only onw with a Monster in Law :P
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Old May 8th, 2013, 12:48 AM
CharlesMoore CharlesMoore is offline
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Re: MIL problems :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
Oooooh brother! What a dangerous thing for a man to say to his wife!

I'm very conflict adverse. The way I would handle this comment would be with genuine confusion: "Well, I know why *I* would be unhappy. Between the loss of privacy, the concern over my dog's health, and the different schedules that we keep, you're right! Living here is stressful for me. But what I don't understand is why your MOM would be unhappy if we moved out? Us being here is stressful for her too!"

IMO Jen1985, the reality is that (IMO) it's difficult for two family units to share a home - especially when they had their own homes previously. It is easier for your DH because he was raised by his mother; her eccentricities are the norm for him. Please do not take offense to this, because it is not meant to be offensive, but you probably annoy your MIL as much as she annoys you. That is not to say that you are annoying... it just means that there is a flip side to everything.

I had to live with my future IL's for a couple of months before DH and I got married (apartment lease was up and after the wedding I was moving out of town to be with DH). It was very nice of my IL's to allow that, but I had all of the same complaints you did. My MIL annoyed the living daylights out of me, as well as seriously overstepping some boundaries, and that was really the beginning of the end of the previously friendly relationship we had had. However, now that I've had 20+ years of my own home and now have teenagers whose space I try to respect, I can sort of put the shoe on the other foot and understand where my MIL was coming from. Kind of. I understand why she kept walking into "my" room (because it was - in her mind - my DH's room in her house and she had been walking into it his whole life), but I still don't understand why she went through my
discount underwear drawer.

I agree with Lucy that you ought to not count on your IL's to retire and move. I think it'd be worth living in a one room shack that you can afford, and then moving back in to their house AFTER they are gone. You can still see them often and whatever if your DH wants to keep his mom happy, but everyone needs their own space.
I am surprised to know similar situations happen in most most homes. What is the best way to avoid it.

Last edited by CharlesMoore; May 8th, 2013 at 09:30 PM.
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Old May 8th, 2013, 02:59 PM
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Re: MIL problems :(

Don't move in with people with whom you want to maintain a good relationship, I guess? . I don't think it happens in "most" homes though. I think "most" people have more sense than I did.
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Old May 17th, 2013, 08:53 PM
WinstonPoole WinstonPoole is offline
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Re: MIL problems :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
Oooooh brother! What a dangerous thing for a man to say to his wife!

I'm very conflict adverse. The way I would handle this comment would be with genuine confusion: "Well, I know why *I* would be unhappy. Between the loss of privacy, the concern over my dog's health, and the different schedules that we keep, you're right! Living here is stressful for me. But what I don't understand is why your MOM would be unhappy if we moved out? Us being here is stressful for her too!"

IMO Jen1985, the reality is that (IMO) it's difficult for two family units to share a home - especially when they had their own homes previously. It is easier for your DH because he was raised by his mother; her eccentricities are the norm for him. Please do not take offense to this, because it is not meant to be offensive, but you probably annoy your MIL as much as she annoys you. That is not to say that you are annoying... it just means that there is a flip side to everything.

I had to live with my future IL's for a couple of months before DH and I got married (apartment lease was up and after the
discount wedding dresses I was moving out of town to be with DH). It was very nice of my IL's to allow that, but I had all of the same complaints you did. My MIL annoyed the living daylights out of me, as well as seriously overstepping some boundaries, and that was really the beginning of the end of the previously friendly relationship we had had. However, now that I've had 20+ years of my own home and now have teenagers whose space I try to respect, I can sort of put the shoe on the other foot and understand where my MIL was coming from. Kind of. I understand why she kept walking into "my" room (because it was - in her mind - my DH's room in her house and she had been walking into it his whole life), but I still don't understand why she went through my underwear drawer.

I agree with Lucy that you ought to not count on your IL's to retire and move. I think it'd be worth living in a one room shack that you can afford, and then moving back in to their house AFTER they are gone. You can still see them often and whatever if your DH wants to keep his mom happy, but everyone needs their own space.
These problem happens. Sometime these old people become too rigid and make other follows them. The only way is to win their hearts and try to mold them as you like.

Last edited by WinstonPoole; May 18th, 2013 at 02:55 AM.
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