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Old September 7th, 2017, 10:32 AM
stillmovingon06 stillmovingon06 is offline
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Help me please!!

I am here to seek help and to also speak up in order to relieve myself from the guilt i am feeling since some days. I am from India and i belong to a really orthodox family where us women arre always dictated about the way we have to live our life. Now, what i am in, is a fairly weird situation. My mom and brother found contraceptive pill from my handbag. I have always had failed relationships in the past and have dated a number of people which didn't end so well for me, some of them were abusive as well. In the beginning, my parents tried to convince me to stop dating people absolutely. But, i am a 21 year old girl, and i always wanted to have a boyfriend because i always wanted to be in love. So, i kept on searching, failing, but searching again. My mother knew about two-three of my failed dates and accused me of being a *insults edited out by moderator*. I am currently in a year long relationship with this guy and we are deeply in love. I told her that i love him and that i wouldn't wanna be away from him. But, my younger brother and my mother beat me so badly. I am currently being subjected to 24 hours torture as i am being called a *insults edited out by moderator* day in and day out by my younger brother and my mother. My father doesn't keep well health wise, so they haven't told him about it yet and i fear that as well, because i love him and i don't want him to think ill of me. Is it so wrong to sleep with your year long boyfriend? For the record, i did it for the first time with him on my birthday yesterday. Does that really make me a slu*? Should i really be "ashamed" of who u am..? Should i kill myself (like my mother told me to) ? Should i just believe my mother when she says that i would never have a happy married life?

I am currently dealing with a lot of guilt! A lot of guilt that i have done something unforgivably heinous. Is that so? Would i really never ever be happy again? I love my boyfriend and so does he. He is well settled and here in India, marriage at this age isn't a taboo. He is even ready to marry me if that's what my parents want. But, they hate me. I am so sorry to loose my brother's love. Because he blames me for giving him the worst childhood ever. As my mother and father used to openly discuss my love life in his presence, he has developed a feeling of loathing for me since past years. Seeing the pills in my bag, which i didn't even use, my brother said that he can never love me again and that i am the sole Reason that my house's environment sucks. I have done everything possible for my parents. I study well, i do whatever they say.. wear whatever they want but, they have been constantly judging me for my love life records. Even posting a picture on the social media with a little cleavage showing is a crime for them.

I am a girl who has studied in A class schools and college and i am a person with liberal ideologies about dating and stuff. And i don't think my failure in my romantic life or me having sex with my boyfriend should define me . Can anyone say anything , just anything about this? I have nobody to talk to.

Last edited by KayKay; September 7th, 2017 at 06:27 PM.
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Old September 7th, 2017, 12:54 PM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: Help me please!!

I am so sorry you are going through this.

You do not have to be ashamed. Your mother and brother are stuck in their belief and you're not likely to change their minds.

If you are ready to marry, don't hesitate because you want their approval. You are an adult woman and you don't need it.

If you are not ready to marry, are you able to move out on your own? You don't need to accept the abuse. I cannot imagine ever telling my child to kill him/herself because of sex, or for any other reason. You deserve better.
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Old September 7th, 2017, 01:23 PM
stillmovingon06 stillmovingon06 is offline
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Re: Help me please!!

LucyVanPelt , thank you for understanding my point of view. I am glad to know that i am not entirely wrong. As far as my marriage is concerned, i wanna marry him when he n i happily do it .. and not under any pressure from my parents.

Moving out would be possible only if i had a job. Which they won't let me get, because my mother isn't letting me appear for my college exams or for other competitive exams. I am so stuck in this hellish place.

I am so sad that i know of a world where women as people are respected and their desires aren't tagged with such abusive words. They r free to dream and live their life on their terms and i am still stuck here in this house, deprived of my basic dignity. As i was accused by my mother of sleeping with other males of the family including my father and my brother.

I have reached out to several online helplines since some days regarding my condition and nothing has helped me getting rid of the thoughts i am having about ending my life . About ending all the misery that i am being subjected to.
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Old September 7th, 2017, 02:17 PM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: Help me please!!

I understand that you want to escape, but ending your life is a permanent solution to a problem that has an end.

How can your mother keep you from attending exams? Is she holding you hostage? Your mother is a dangerous woman to make accusations like that. The quicker you can get away, the better. Think about that and make a plan for that escape.

ETA: Is there a counselor at school who can help you with this?

Last edited by LucyVanPelt; September 7th, 2017 at 02:23 PM.
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Old September 7th, 2017, 06:23 PM
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Re: Help me please!!

stillmovingon06,

We have forum rules located here: http://www.friendsandfamilyforum.com...aq_forum_rules

One of those rules is that discussions of suicide and self-harm are not permitted here. Those thoughts require professional help and we are not professionals. Please, if you are having these thoughts, call a suicide hotline.
Quote:
Sikkim 221152, Police Control Room, Gangtok

iCall, Mumbai +91 22 2556 3291, e-mail icall@tiss.edu

Vandrevala Foundation Helpline 1 860 266 2345, e-mail help@vandrevalafoundation.com

Thanal 0495 237 1100

E-mail thanal.calicut@gmail.com

Address Iqra Hospital
Malamparamba
Calicut 673009
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Prathyasa +91-480 2820091

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Irinjalakuda 680 685


Pratheeksha +91 484 2448830

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Address Near Ambedkar Park
Peruvaram Road
North Paravur 683 513
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Saath 079 2630 5544, 079 2630 0222

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Roshni 040 790 4646

E-mail help@roshnihyd.org

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Lifeline Foundation +91 33 24637401, +91 33 24637432

Address 17/1A Alipore Road
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Sumaitri 011-23389090

E-mail- feelingsuicidal@sumaitri.net

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Maithri 91- 484 2540530

E-mail maithrihelp@gmail.com

Address ICTA Shantigram
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Connecting India 9922001122, 18002094353

Website connectingngo.org

Address Connecting Trust
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Nagpur Suicide Prevention Helpline 8888817666


The Samaritans Mumbai 022 6464 3267, 022 6565 3267, 022 6565 3247

Address B-3, Trisandhya
Behind Ambika Sarees
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Sneha 91-44-2464 0050, 91-44-2464 0060

E-mail help@snehaindia.org

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Another of those rules is that vulgar language is not allowed here. I realize you are just repeating things that your mother has said to you, but as a moderator I will ask you that you don't (this is a family-friendly forum and children read here), and as a human being I will tell you that the more you repeat those things, the more likely you are to start believing that they are true. So stop.

My question for you is this: If your parents weren't pressuring you, would you and your boyfriend get married?
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Old September 7th, 2017, 09:21 PM
stillmovingon06 stillmovingon06 is offline
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Re: Help me please!!

KayKay, i have been talking to one of the anti suicide organisations called sneha. And it has been of a little help. I am just talking my brain out.

What i am writing are not my words but, i would have wanted people to know what i am going through exactly before discussing about it.

My boyfriend and i love each other and yes, we have been planning our marriage. We would get married eventually, we know. Once i had a job, once i and him settled for good. I am still moving on just because of him. Its just him and his support that has given me the strength to do so.
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Old September 7th, 2017, 09:24 PM
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Re: Help me please!!

What does he say about what your mother and brother are doing?
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Old September 7th, 2017, 09:28 PM
stillmovingon06 stillmovingon06 is offline
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Re: Help me please!!

LucyVanPelt,

You have been of a great great help. I am trying my level best to get away from all this into a secure place but, as i am saying, that isn't possible without getting a job.

And no, we don't have counsellors around at college. People here are really judgemental and ignorant when it comes to us students , our desires, our problems. We are mere puppets who are in the absolute surveillance of our parents and the so called "norms" of the society.

You have been helping me believe that i am not wrong in totality and i am so thankful to you for this. I don't deserve to be treated this way , i know it by now. Thank you so much.
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Old September 7th, 2017, 09:43 PM
stillmovingon06 stillmovingon06 is offline
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Re: Help me please!!

KayKay, what my mother and brother do makes him angry. He is although from a good family. His father died when he was really young and he has been brought up by his mother who , out of all the odds gave him a good childhood and raised him right. He values motherhood, he values family and so, somewhere or the other, his upbringing stops him from saying too much.

He although remains really angry with my younger brother. My family is an influential one and he belongs to a middle class family, i , myself try my best to keep him away from all this. Because, if my family could be so cruel to their blood born daughter, what would they do to this random guy with no father or that so called powerful status in the society?

I love him and i can't let him interfere too much because, i don't wanna loose him. I don't want his mother to loose her son.
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Old September 9th, 2017, 01:54 PM
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Re: Help me please!!

stillmovingon06, I've been reading your experience.

I am aware that some cultures in India are very repressive fundamentalists, and usually raise woman in a submissive way.
Luckily, every once in a while, people like you are born with an open mind and a conscious realization of all these things.
You are blessed. Keep that in mind.

Sadly, this life put you in a place of the world where you suffer. Still, that doesn't mean that you should take your life.
There is always, no matter what, a bright spot at the end of the journey. Always. All it takes is effort, resistance, and power of will. If you can walk with those things, you'll be able to live life like you want, happy, married, in love...

There are solutions to your situation. First, you'll need the three things that I mentioned: effort, power of will and resistance.
With effort, you'll put your mind into whatever you want to achieve.
With power of will, you'll start achieving things that'll take you to where you want to be.
With resistance, you'll be able to overcome negative vibes, spiritual punches, or any other obstacle you may encounter.

Now, regarding your situation, it seems to me that your family is accusing you of things because of their beliefs. They weren't born with that openmindedness you have, so they won't support your decisions.
Depriving someone from freedom is a world crime, but some societies don't care about it. However, that is not a reason for you to give up.

The first thing I would try is using strong words and talk to them. I'm not talking about insults. I'm talking about using words that have power to get in their minds. Try talking to them about how much you're suffering. Try to make them feel what you're feeling. Ask them to be in your place, where you want to enjoy love and freedom, but you can't because of antinatural beliefs. They are putting their ideas over the wellbeing of their daughter.

If your parents don't change theirs minds, even the smallest bit, then you won't find the solution there. You'll feel frustrated, but you must resist to that, and continue making an effort to find the solution somewhere else.

Can you live with your boyfriend's family? Can he help you to move out of your house? What about another family member? Do you have a best friend that can give you housing? Can you work in a part-time job while you study?

Remember: life is a series of crisis, of changes, that constantly move our feet from where we were standing. You need to find the strength to stand like a column in that new spot. Be strong, always be optimistic no matter how bad the situation looks.
Everyone has their own fights, and they always find a solution. Just don't give up. Don't be the ones that give up. Be the ones that get to the goal, and continue...
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