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Old March 29th, 2018, 10:49 AM
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cladelina87 cladelina87 is offline
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Need insight on a recent breakup!

Hey gals and guys here!

So I recently just broke up with my boyfriend over 2 weeks ago. Bare with me because this is a long story. Our relationship started out slow, we had our fights here and there, but everything was good until the last few months.

Me and him were together for about a year and a half. So basically I decided that I was starting to feel lonely with no girl friends in my life months ago, so I decided to get on this friend finding app that helps you find new girl friends. I won't say what app or any names to keep things confidential. I cut a friend from high school off last year, she was asking for money all the time and using me, she was never a true friend. And another girl from high school kept cancelling and flaking on me last minute, even though I haven't seen her in a few years at least. I didn't cut her out of my life, but the door is still open if she wants to hang out. I got tired of initiating plans to hang out. Also think her fiance is isolating her from seeing and making friends outside of their group 🙁 Anways prob about 5-6 months ago I got on the friend finding app and been on here and a few other sites trying to make new girl friends. So I finally got to meet a girl off the app at a yoga class a little over a month ago. She brought another girl there that she met off the app and had success with hanging out with. I wasn't aware of her bringing another girl to the class and totally surprised by this, as in she never mentioned this prior over text. We all decide to go to a local brewery for food and some beer. I seemed to click well with the girl's friend she brought, and she had to leave early so I decided to get her number. Me and her also had a few things in common.

Let me back track for a minute, I started noticing that my boyfriend at the time was calling me up randomly and started getting jealous that I was trying to find friends online. He also thought it was very weird. He mentioned that the app I was on was a dating app, and was worried I was on there finding men. I explained to him "no I am on the friend finding side and am only trying to find girl friends and there are only girls on the friend side." We would be hanging together and I would mention my meetup with the girls I met at the yoga class and I could tell it made him a little bit uncomfortable. Or telling him about finding friends online period. Almost a week goes by and I don't hear from either of the girls on plans for the weekend. So I text girl #2 and we plan to meet up the next day for lunch at a local mexican place. She conversated well over text. Remember this is the girl that I didn't actually meet off the app, whom girl #1 brought. We met up for lunch and we seemed to click even more. She proceeded to tell me a guy her boyfriend is, is someone I know and actually hooked up with a few times a few years ago! And she told me everything is ok with that, it's cool, and she wanted to make sure we were on the same page if we were to go on a double date, so that I'm not so surprised when he shows up. I was ok they were together to but was totally surprised and in shock such a small world they are together and she is ok with this. But in my mind I was thinking there is no way my bf would be ok with this. I would have to tell him one way or another. Her and I talked about so much during lunch. Girl #1 shows up at our table without messaging or anything, decides to eat lunch too. She leaves early. And then girl #2 and I continue talking and wanted to go get some cupcakes nearby. We also went shopping. I felt very happy that a new friendship with a stable girl was happening. Her boyfriend then messages me on facebook since we were in contact on there anyway, and told me glad we got along so well and I'm welcome to come around anytime. And that she was looking for someone who was chill and I am that way. I responded back with something like yea small world, she seems cool. Also about the similar things he and my bf have in common, none of these messages were steamy or flirting, no sexting or pics of any kind. So I see my boyfriend later that night, tell him about my day. Told him about her boyfriend and him have some things in common, and that she wanted to double date with us sometimes. I never mentioned her boyfriend's name, or anything about our past. About a week goes by and I could tell the tension was getting worse. Me and my boyfriend went out to eat and during dinner I happen to be texting girl #2 and she wanted to hang out, but I declined because I was out with my bf. My bf was getting uncomfortable again and kept asking about her boyfriend, and then said "there is something you're not telling me." I still did not explain the situation or me knowing her boyfriend. The rest of the night was so weird, my boyfriend was quiet on the ride back home. The next morning started to become even more weird and awkward. And he asked, "Ok I need to ask this, do you know her boyfriend?" Stunned I replied, "What are you talking about?" My anxiety was building up. He then tells me, "Well just want to let you know, I went into your facebook profile and saw these messages between you and so and so and I know that's her boyfriend." Well I couldn't deny anything, but what constitutes me sleeping with him or that I have ever slept with him in just those messages, unless he went all the way back to 2015 messages. He asked if we ever hooked up, and I told him the truth yea we had a fling a few years ago and hooked up then. So the rest of the day was horrible. He kept saying I lied to him and was keeping this secret from him. He thought that me and her bf were sleeping together behind her back and I was about to sleep with him and not tell her about it. He just freaked out that I need to tell her that I know her boyfriend in that way 🤔😠😠😠 Little does he know she explained to me herself that she knew we had a past and he even told her we hooked up a few times. To make this story shorter, let's just say my boyfriend started acting really controlling in my book, got so insecure and his self esteem was really low. (He quit a job several months before, and was having a hard time finding stable work. So slowly he stopped taking care of himself, had to defer his student loan payments, etc. But eventually got a job that was more seasonal before all this was going down.) He started threatening me, got possessive and his true colors started showing. He told me a while in the beginning that he had trust issues and I did as well, but I had made peace with my last relationship before him when things got serious and put my guard down for him and everything. Anyways he was threatening me that he was gonna message my friend to see if we actually talked on the phone about me not going over there to their house. Also, everytime I mentioned her name or told him that we were gonna have girls' night soon he would get mad and it would start a fight because it reminded him of her boyfriend and that we were together. Screamed utter trust and insecurity issues! So a few nights later me and girl #2 and a school friend of girl #2 all went out to eat and to several bars. We took a carpool service to each place that wasn't walking distance. Oh and I originally told my bf the carpool service was gonna pick me up at my apt but instead the other girl had to drive to my friend's house so she could get picked up there. So they both wanted me to drive to her house so the carpool could pick us up at once. I didn't want to do that and felt bad vibes about doing that. But she said her boyfriend wasn't at their house. So I went there and parked my car, was aware of my surroundings, didn't see anything out of the ordinary. The carpool picks us up there. We had a nice time. Two days later I find out that my boyfriend went and stalked me thru my snapchat (there is a feature on there where you can use the local maps as a tracker). I think he went into my facebook again. He drove by my apt, and actually told me this to my face. I blew up on him said WE ARE DONE!! I was so stressed out and felt like he didn't trust me with anything anymore and that he was controlling me on having any girl friends. I had it planned out that if he went into any other social media profiles of mine that it was over with. In essence, both me and him were very upset that day of the breakup, it was very emotional. But we got closure and hugged it out. He told me to call him sometime. Yea like I'm gonna call him anytime soon, that would be an awkward call!

I still can't believe how it all ended. He became a shell of himself and he pushed me away, safe to say I no longer love him anymore. His trust issues got the best of him and I'm not sure if there were red flags in the beginning of us dating. I feel like it was a relief once we broke up but I still feel guilty that I didn't tell him about her boyfriend and our past right off the bat.

Do you think I should have told him sooner about knowing her boyfriend and our hookup past? Or would it have mattered if I told him the secret, that the relationship would have went down the drain anyway? Going into my next relationship, should I tell the guy the truth about her boyfriend if me and girl #2 are still friends? And how should I go about doing it? I never intended to sabotage my relationship while finding girl friends.
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Old March 29th, 2018, 11:06 AM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: Need insight on a recent breakup!

First, I think it's good that you and your boyfriend broke up. There really were trust issues.

I think it will be a different situation with your next boyfriend. The friendship with the girl and her boyfriend will pre-date your next relationship. So I think it'll be an easier dynamic for a new boyfriend to accept.

As far as when/how to tell him... I don't think there's a set formula. You have to just play it by ear as the relationship develops. I wouldn't blurt it out on the first date, but I also wouldn't hide it if it came up in conversation.
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Old March 30th, 2018, 03:49 PM
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cladelina87 cladelina87 is offline
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Re: Need insight on a recent breakup!

Yea I think I made the right decision to break up with him. Even though my mother thinks otherwise.
And I agree, it should predate the next relationship, as long as nothing happens between me and this couple. Also I can't just assume all guys will be jealous of my friendship with her and him or any friends for that matter.
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