MILs

[Becca]

I was recently talking to a friend I hadn't seen in awhile.

He was talking about his MIL. He's been married for 15 yrs. He and his DW have 4 kids, ages 7 months to 15 yrs old. He hates his MIL. Everything the kids do that MIL doesn't agree with is his fault. She invades their lives, they are to do what she wants, his DW won't say anything to her M, etc.... Sound familiar? His wife won't say anything to her M so he does. If she acts up in his house he makes her leave, things like that.

He then asks if DH had ever said anything to my MIL about the way she treats me. I told him that no he hadn't and if he hasn't after 22 yr he never will. He says, "Bec let me tell you something. There is just something between a man and his momma, you don't go against momma. It's the same between a woman and her dad, you can't come between them. You just don't go against momma."

What??? No, there's supposed to be something between a man and his wife, not a 'man' and his momma.

Then I got to thinking. Is DH supposed to stand up for me or am I supposed to do it myself? I know DH is never going to say anything to his mother so a yr ago I started doing it myself. I'm not outright mean like she is, but I let her know that it will not be tolerated. I do backslide every now and then and want DH to do something. But I know if there is ever to be any peace I have to do it myself.

DH is visiting his family in another state. Where am I? not there. SILs b-day was yesterday, DH told me to send her a b-day msg. Yeah, that's going to happen. I changed the topic of conversation.

Yep, distance is the key.

[KayKay]

IMO? Nobody should HAVE to stand up for anybody.

Barring that... IMO DH should have stood up for you the first time an issue came up.

Barring that... IMO you should stand up for yourself.


(ETA: I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself! )

[grubby]

Here is my take on it and I know there will be a lot that do not agree with me. Thats fine, it works for me and my DH.

I am not Snow White, my life is not a fairytale and Prince Charming does not need to save me from the wicked witch. I am adult, living in the real world and unfortunately, that requires me to deal with other adults, even mean, evil twits.

My DH does not need to defend me. I can do that myself. What he needs to do is support me in my decision and how I handle the situation. If he does not like how I handle the situation, then he either needs to take care of it himself or keep quiet. Vice versa also. If I don't like the way he handles his parents or a situation, I either need to handle it myself or back off.

[Beth]

My parents are gone, but we still have DH's mother. We don't have too many issues with her, but she is one opinionated, stuck in her ways, stubborn woman. DH sometimes has problems standing up to her. I, being very outspoken and opinionated myself have no problem speaking my mind. I am always polite, but firm. Over the years, MIL has grown to respect me for standing up for myself. And so has DH.

I prefer that he handle issues with his mother. But if things arise and he is not there to handle it, I do it in my own way. Anyone have a problem with it, too bad. I'm not sitting around waiting for someone to do something when I can do it myself. DH is always supportive and knows I would never say or do anything to purposely hurt MIL. It's never come to that point. Seems to work for us so far.

[KayKay]

Originally Posted by Beth

DH is always supportive and knows I would never say or do anything to purposely hurt MIL. It's never come to that point.

I think this is insightful. Sometimes it's just a conflict of personalities, and sometimes it's people deliberately trying to hurt others.