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Old November 29th, 2016, 01:21 PM
roarkshine roarkshine is offline
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My husband told me to buy my own Christmas Gifts

My husband and I have been married for 19 years. He has always surprised me with gifts, cards etc. This past year, we hit a bump in our marriage, worked it out and it seems to be ok, but different. For Motherís day, he used to get me flowers, a Pandora Bead or a card and we would all go out for dinner. This year, nothing! He didnít even wish me a Happy Motherís Day until that evening and thatís only because I was upset. For my birthday, I got my nails done and we went out of town to celebrate with my sister. He started a fight with me and ruined my Birthday. Now that Christmas is coming, I have ordered him stuff and he has seen the packages come in the mail. He would ask what it was and I would tell him itís his Christmas Presents. He tells me that I should just buy my own gifts and wrap them myself. I have told him what I want, but he just says go and get it. I am hurt! I've even told him that it hurts my feelings that I have to buy and wrap my own gifts. He just makes excuses on why he ďcanítĒ get them. He bought a Brand New Muscle car this year (right around Motherís Day) and all he does is shop to make the car better and faster. If he can shop for his car, then he should have no problem shopping for me, right? I am buying my gifts and wrapping them, but only because we have kids and I know if the kids see that I am not opening gifts up on Christmas, they will be upset and I donít want to ruin their Christmas.

Am I being ridiculous? He seems to think so.
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Old November 29th, 2016, 02:26 PM
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Re: My husband told me to buy my own Christmas Gifts

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Originally Posted by roarkshine View Post
This past year, we hit a bump in our marriage, worked it out
You have not worked out the bump in your marriage.

You are not being ridiculous.

Please make an appointment to go see a pro-marriage family counselor. If he won't go, go without him.

Don't enable your DH's selfishness and hide the truth from the children. If he doesn't want to exchange gifts, then return the ones you bought. It's better to be honest about that because the kids will know anyway.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this stress alone. (((hugs)))
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Old November 29th, 2016, 02:50 PM
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Re: My husband told me to buy my own Christmas Gifts

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Originally Posted by roarkshine View Post
Am I being ridiculous? He seems to think so.
I don't think you are being ridiculous either. His behavior did a 180 degree turn, and you deserve to know why. What is he hoping to accomplish?

I am curious about the "bump" in your marriage that you worked out. Not that you need to explain it, but was any part of it something that made him feel that his previous efforts were foolish or unappreciated?

I wonder if his efforts to punish you are derived from him pouting over hurt feelings? Just a thought.
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Old November 29th, 2016, 03:06 PM
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Re: My husband told me to buy my own Christmas Gifts

It sounds like he may be going through a mid life crisis. 😔 I would second Lucy's advice re marital counseling and if he won't come on board with it then individual counseling for yourself. (((Hugs))) I've been through something similar.
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Old November 29th, 2016, 04:47 PM
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Re: My husband told me to buy my own Christmas Gifts

My brother died from a car accident back in January. I took it really hard and my husband took it personally because I was distant. He then accused me of cheating with a coworker, which never happened! Just to be clear, I've never talked to this coworker about anything personal, it was all business. He knows I never cheated, and he doesn't even bring it up.
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Old November 29th, 2016, 05:09 PM
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Re: My husband told me to buy my own Christmas Gifts

Oh wow. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Then I third Lucy's suggestion of marriage counseling and/or individual grief counseling for you. That's such a tragic loss. Were you not able to lean on your husband during your grief?

I really don't understand why that would translate to him not being willing to buy you gifts though. That's extra unkind - to be like that when you need him to be supportive. I'm sorry.
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Old November 30th, 2016, 02:34 AM
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Re: My husband told me to buy my own Christmas Gifts

Sometimes people project their issues onto you. It's a way of legitimising confusion of their own feelings or an action that they have either done or thought about doing.

My personal experience was that my xh started being emotionally divorced from me and doing these similar unkind things. It was a way for him to engineer my turn of feelings for him. For me to get angry with him or hate him because he couldn't face his own feelings. He want to use me as a scapegoat to blame me for the failure of our relationship because it would look bad on him to be seen to break it down first.

Whether he is clear or confused on whatever is going on with him emotionally, if he is not willing to share this with you this is not a game you want to be embroiled in for too long. You may need to force his hand as to whether he wants to remain in a relationship with you.
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Old November 30th, 2016, 06:00 AM
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Re: My husband told me to buy my own Christmas Gifts

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Originally Posted by roarkshine View Post
He knows I never cheated, and he doesn't even bring it up.
He's stuffed it down, dear. He felt rejected when you went through your grief and shut him out. Thinking you had another guy gave an explanation as to why you rejected him. Now he just feel rejected. He hasn't healed from that. He hasn't forgiven you for shutting him out. As Annsdil said, he's there physically, but emotionally, he has checked out.

Don't let this fester any longer. This can be healed, but the longer you wait, the more difficult the recovery. Seek counseling. Bring him in if you can. If it's possible, consider a couple's retreat to help restore your relationship.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Grief affects us in so many ways. Our spouses aren't always able to deal with how we grieve. (((hugs)))
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Old November 30th, 2016, 06:17 PM
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Re: My husband told me to buy my own Christmas Gifts

sorry you're going through this (((hugs)))


My experience was when my (now ex) husband made (not bought) a gift certificate for me for X-mas .... that I'd actually have to pay for any purchase myself (...but it was a nice thought.... yea, right) ... well he was done with our marriage

.... then, the accusation of me cheating (I never went anywhere w/o him & infant son) was when he was the one having an internet/on-line affair
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Old December 5th, 2016, 03:36 AM
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Re: My husband told me to buy my own Christmas Gifts

I remember one year I had to wrap my own presents... But my wife lost two brothers that same year. She became quite distant too. It was pretty trying on me too. I did realize it after I got my head out of my you know what and figured out what the real issue was... She was depressed - It's not a good thing to lose a sibling - especially two in the same year.

Yes... Counseling would be a great benefit.

I do hope things work out for you and your husband.
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