My wife of thirteen years had her second affair How do i know if i still love her.

[Gr3y]

Ok so the first affair we had just moved back into our house in town. We were remodeling the house and she was painting one night and I caught her on the phone with someone else. she was sexting with someone in another state. it broke my heart she begged me to stay and i loved her so i did. dont get me wrong it took along time to get over it around two years before i quit hurting we got back into to church. then i found out i had some heart attacks well they really were not sure but they new my heart was scared and wasnt working properly so i got depressed they put me on bed rest supposed to change my diet i kinda withdrew from everyone. i felt like my life was over about three months later my wife decided to sleep with her boss well let me back up so you understand what happened she moved this friend in with us that was going threw a divorce. i thought nothing of it then she started coming home late quit coming home for lunch i was supicous but thought i was just paranoid from the first time. well one day she came home and i called her on it and she asked me to move out she had meet someone that was great. this guy was a fifty year old man she is 34. i asked her if it had went anywhere she said it couldnt his stuff was messed up. so i left for one night came back the next day and told her that i wasnt giving up on us. we had been together to long. well she relized finally after weeks of seeing this other guy that she wanted me. we went to concilling then the truth comes out she had oral sex with him once and he had oral sex with her three times and multiple other things. well that was three months ago i feel it she had been upfront i would have just left. because she clearly has no respect for me. i want to stay for the kids and because we have shared a life for so long but i really dont know if i love her at this point i feel so betrayed and hurt i am 35 and dont want to start over. but i just dont think i can do this.

[LucyVanPelt]

I am so sorry for your pain.

Your decision to stay or go can't be based on how you feel. In long-lasting marriages, feelings will swing from crazy-in-love to hate and back again, even without the challenge of depression and cheating.

Before you make any decision, continue with marriage counseling and both of you should seek individual counseling. You and your wife have to be committed to the process and the marriage. Marriage won't survive if either of you are walking away.

Whatever you do, focus on making your home the best place for your children. They will be more hurt by the failure of your marriage than either of you could be.

[Catwoman]

35 is still very young to start again, there are far more ladies out there who would respect you and not cheat multiple times.Its your decision,but I think your wife will more than likely do it again sorry.Best wishes.

[Knot2loud]

It appears your wife has a history of stepping out on you. She comes back, you decide to hang on, get counseling, she cheats again, you hang on for the kids... Kind of a vicious circle. Health not so good, depression, stress...

Doesn't appear the counseling has worked.

I would make a plan to leave her. She'll probably fight tooth and nail hoping you have a heart attack and keel over for good. You're still young. Starting over is a viable option.

On the other hand... It's very difficult to tell someone to end a relationship when the only history you get is a paragraph of 150 words or less on a forum. Just basing it on that information... I would keep trying until your trying has been exhausted and you just can't deal with it anymore.

Good luck to you.

[oessurey]

Hi! I'm so sorry for you and your situation.

I think there are some questions you need to ask yourself, and be HONEST when contemplating your answers.

Question 1: Do you really love this woman, or could it be that you just can't imagine yourself starting over? Being in a long term relationship is probably the toughest habit there is to break. Suddenly you're all alone. Insecure, not sure if you will ever find anyone like her again, or if anyone would even want you. Believe in yourself!

Question 2: Does she really love you? (remember to be honest)
If she really loved you, would she treat you this way?
Try turning it around; would you ever treat someone you love, the way she has treated you?

Question 3: Does she respect you? Would you respect someone, who let someone treat them the way she has treated you?

Question 4: Do you respect yourself? Take a long hard look at yourself, and decide which person you want to be. Then, if you decide that she's the one you want, make her want you!

Question 5: Do you really think that she will change, or is there a chance that she might do it again? And can you go through it again?

Question 6: If your best friend came to you with a similar problem, what would you advice him to do?

Last, but perhaps the most important question: If the kids are the main reason for staying in this marriage. An unhappy marriage is an unhealthy relationship for everybody involved. If you and your wife are miserable together, your children will probably be better off with you two going your separate ways. They will rather see you happy apart, than miserable together.

I hope you figure out what to do and whichever, direction you choose, I truly hope it will be the path to happiness.

Sincerely
Øssur

[PeeWeeMomOf3]

I'm so sorry for the pain and betrayal you've been through. It may help to step back. Remember you don't have to make a big decision to stay or leave today - just a decision to put your marriage "on hold" while you get some help and care for yourself while you look at yourself and everything that's happened in the past and happening now. Talk to someone like a counselor, the pastor from your church, especially someone who has experience with family and marriage counseling.

The prospect of starting over may seem so intimidating - but you have been through so much already - you can survive this, too. For the benefit of your kids, you can rebuild a better life for yourself and them.

[Gr3y]

still really confused i have seperated from her for now friends tring to get me to date but i think its too soon i cant really see my self with anyone else but at the same time i dont see myself with her anymore. life is hard it is nice to see people out there who are going through similar problems i guess nice is the wrong word comforting thank you all for your responses just wish i knew what to do... so confused

[LucyVanPelt]

I am sorry for your pain and your confusion.

Your friends are trying to be helpful, but they are wrong about dating. You aren't ready, yet. Take time to heal, to be sure it's over with your wife before you bring other people in.

[Annsdil]

Definitely take Lucy's advice. Give yourself some space and don't be in a hurry to be in a new relationship.

I know many people who get into relationships just because they are scared to be on their own. For many this proves to be unsuccessful.

Develop your relationship with yourself first. Being where you are now, but four years down the line, I'm still trying to work out what things I like and enjoy as my own person again.

[KayKay]

^Love this. Lucy and Anns are on the money.

Gr3y, are you separated or divorced?