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Old January 4th, 2016, 02:04 PM
slr0031 slr0031 is offline
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Another fight with my mom

Happy New Year all! I hope everybody's holidays were well.

I have had a number of rough years with my mom now, where we have periods of getting along and not getting along. I am a married adult and she is remarried to a man with a large family. I have pretty much always felt that she pays more attention to them than to me. I live 8 hours from her and almost everytime I visit, my husband, children and I will sit for hours sometimes in the living room while she and her husband cook and prep the house getting ready for all of his family to come over for a gathering. Once they are there I watch my mom sit and talk with all of them and I again often will not see or spend any time with her. It is very frustrating. My step dad's son and his wife moved down the road from them last summer and it has now gotten worse because not only do they spend time with my step dad's family but also the family of my step brother's wife as well because they also live there.

At Thanksgiving everybody came over and my husband, children and I sat in the living room watching tv for hours in the am before they all came over. I understand this is to happen on holidays but their families are there every time i come up and I can't spend any time with my mom without them. So at Christmas we were home and I called my mom in the morning. She talked to me about 5 min and sounded rushed because they all were arriving at her house. So I asked her if she wanted to call me back. She said yes I will call you back. She never called. She never talked to my kids on Christmas day. My kids didn't care but it bothered me. I felt hurt and a couple days later when I talked to her on the phone I told her. She immediately became defensive and said sarcastically I am very sorry I ruined your Christmas. I told her I did not say that but it felt like she was too busy to talk to me because of them being there and I didn't understand why she couldn't take 10 min to call us back even if they are there. She said she was exhausted and said you try having a dozen people in your house. Then she said me and you are going to have major problems if you can't accept I have other people in my life that I like to spend time with and enjoy. I told her I understand they are a big part of her life but I feel that i am not a part of her life. She said you want to know how I feel? I said no because I don't feel she cares about how I feel and she hung up.
Just wondered what you guys think. Am i out of line? I am sorry I made her so upset but don't understand why she is this angry that I feel she is too busy for me and I do feel that way. She acts as if I have done something awful to her. I don't know I am at a loss and am just trying to accept where our relationship is.

Last edited by slr0031; January 4th, 2016 at 02:53 PM.
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Old January 4th, 2016, 03:31 PM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: Another fight with my mom

You don't feel as if your mother loves you as much as her step-children because she makes time for them, and not for you.

You want more but she is not willing or able to give more. Feeling like she is failing her child would make her defensive and it's easier to make it seem you are jealous than to deal with failure. She may avoid you and spend time with the people who make her feel good about herself.

She may take it for granted that you would understand but the step-family would need more attention. Rather than visit at holidays, try visiting or inviting your mom and her husband on an off-weekend.

The fact is, though, that you are an adult and you are responsible for your own happiness. If your mother doesn't want a closer relationship, you will have to fill that need elsewhere. Your DH would be the best choice.


(((hugs)))
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Old January 4th, 2016, 03:54 PM
slr0031 slr0031 is offline
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Re: Another fight with my mom

Thanks Lucy that is the way I feel about it too.
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Old May 25th, 2016, 09:11 PM
Vaieneit Vaieneit is offline
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Re: Another fight with my mom

I guess that your mom is not really trying to understand how u feel. May be you should call her, and have a real conversation with her, telling how u feel and what you expect from her. Don't forget to say that you understand her situation, you don't mean to take too much of her time, just need her to open her heart.
If that conversation fail to fix your problem and you two cannot make up with each other, i guess you have to fill he emptiness she leaves in your heart by other things. Just love your family more and spend time with them. You don't need a person who don't welcome you in her life, right!
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