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Old January 2nd, 2018, 08:10 PM
billie1416 billie1416 is offline
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Question Do I continue the "friendship" or let it go?

Hi everyone and thanks in advance for reading my post.

I've been racking my brain on how to deal with this situation with an old co-worker/friend, and as I suffer from anxiety my brain has been in overdrive so I would appreciate any words of wisdom.

Let's call this person Jane. Jane and I worked together for roughly two years and she found a new job around 9 months ago. While we worked together we got along great and spent lots of time together, but rarely outside of work.
After a time I noticed that Jane was acting jealous of my other friendships at work, and would either try to become friends with the person too or rag them out to me constantly. I realised what she was doing, but I let it slide as she had been a great friend to me at that time.

As time passed, Jane became very self-involved and constantly spoke about herself and her relationship with her partner with whom she had an affair. They hadn't been together long and the cracks started to show. One minute she would come to me crying about their relationship, the next he would have bought her flowers and everything in the world was right again. Her fickle behaviour started to frustrate me as she would be constantly leaning on me for support (and providing none in return) but then completely ignoring our conversations. I must admit that her partner was quite manipulative with her from my observations, and I am not naive to the fact that some relationships are hard to break away from, however I felt like she was using me as her punching bag, creating an awful image of him (which is somewhat true as Iím not his biggest fan) and then expecting me to be happy for her when she was fine with him.

Inevitably Janeís partner showed his true colours and Jane came to her senses and wanted to leave him. She asked to move in with my husband and I to which we declined, as I felt she was crossing a line. Had she been in desperate need to run away I may have considered it, however she asked to move in 4 weeks later and to stay for 4 weeks. I felt a huge weight of expectation from her, however after discussions with my husband we declined as she hardly knew him either and it would put a further strain on our relationship.
In the end Jane was understanding, and decided she would move back to her hometown for a while to clear her head. I was really happy for her at this time as I felt like she would finally spend some time on herself and hoped she would figure out who she really is outside of her relationships.

Since Jane moved 6 months ago our contact has been few and far between. The times weíve spoken have been about her ex wanting her back and whether or not I think she should go back to him. Again this frustrated me as I couldnít and still canít understand the hold he has over her and as much as itís none of my business, she made it my business every day for almost two years, so I have found it difficult to not be invested in her. Once she told me she was considering going back to him I simply said to think hard about her decision and wished her the best. From there, weíve exchanged only a few general texts, A week ago she messaged me asking if she had done something wrong as I seemed distant, which I have been. Iíve not been sure how to or whether I should respond.

The more I reflect on our friendship the more one sided Iíve realised it was, and how much I let it affect me when I shouldnít have, but at the time I felt I was doing the right thing. I now feel that being her friend is more trouble than itís worth and I feel anxious just thinking about talking to her and seeing her, because I am struggling with supporting her decisions.

My mind is telling me to just let it go, itís not my problem, but itís also telling me that if we continue being friends I will get dragged back into this cycle which has affected my mental health.

Overall I suppose my questions are whether or not I continue the friendship, and if so how do I manage it? If I end the friendship, how do I go about it? Should I be honest, or let it fade out?

Thank you again!
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Old January 2nd, 2018, 08:15 PM
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snafu snafu is offline
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Re: Do I continue the "friendship" or let it go?

Do you have called ID? As talking to her is causing you anxiety, I'd just fade away....stop taking her calls.
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Old January 3rd, 2018, 03:55 PM
billie1416 billie1416 is offline
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Re: Do I continue the "friendship" or let it go?

Thanks for your reply!

I think that might be the best option, but I do feel cruel cutting her off completely without an explanation. However, providing an explanation might do more harm than good for both her and myself. Selfishly I know I'd like to avoid an argument!
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Old January 3rd, 2018, 04:22 PM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: Do I continue the "friendship" or let it go?

Quote:
Originally Posted by billie1416 View Post
A week ago she messaged me asking if she had done something wrong as I seemed distant, which I have been. Iíve not been sure how to or whether I should respond.
I think this is important. Good relationships are the result of how conflict is resolved. Avoiding, minimizing, and denying conflicts ruing relationships.

She seems to want to resolve the conflict.

She knows that you have begun to distance yourself. If you care about your friendship and you'd like it to improve, you might want to have this conversation and see what happens. Active listening and using "I statements" will help, but that won't prevent her from becoming defensive. Be prepared and be patient.

You can make your decision about letting things fade away, cutting off completely, or keeping your friendship based on the results of that conversation.
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