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Old June 25th, 2019, 11:57 AM
Mr Eko Mr Eko is offline
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Am I a monster for hating my mother?

I hate my mother. Well, hate is not a strong enough word. I just loathe every last thing about her. It makes me physically sick to even look at her and it takes every last ounce of restraint that I have to keep from punching her. When she does pass away, I won't pop champagne corks, but I sure won't be shedding any tears either. Other people love her dearly. Whether it be other family members, her friends, etc. She is good as gold in their eyes. I guess I am her only true "enemy". So, that would lead one to believe that the problem must be me. Well, maybe it is. My mother I and just do not get along. I may have loved her when I was little, but that time has clearly passed. I have not loved her in many many years. People have tried (in vain) to help us reconcile, but that has only lead to the (attempted) peacemaker and I falling out. BTW, anyone who plays peacemaker is just asking for trouble, in my opinion. Situations like that only result in the peacemaker being disliked by one or both of the warring sides. But, I digress. Anyway, my hatred for my mother stems from how awful she is to me. She's great to other people. But to me, she is just downright terrible.

Any opinion I have, she automatically has the opposite opinion. I was never good enough at anything I did. I have no education beyond a GED and she throws that in my face. Which, I don't take offense to, because I was a poor student and that is why I quit high school and got my GED. It's just the way she never misses a chance to remind me of it. She compares me to other family members, even if the other family members are terrible. For instance, one of her ex-daughter-in-laws, (one of my brother's ex-wives) is a full blown alcoholic who has been arrested so many times that I lost count. But, my mom will compare me to her and talk about what a good person she is. Really? I rate below an alcoholic now? It's that kind of thing. She goes to such great lengths to try and make me feel bad. I have tried to reach deep within myself to see if I could muster up any love for my mother, just because, she is still my mother. But, there is no love there. And there never will be. Does that make me bad person? I refuse to talk to her unless I absolutely have to, and even then, I keep it short.

I can't even stand to be in the same vicinity as her. I know other people look at me like I am sick in the head for hating her. But, I just can't change how I feel. And sometimes, I feel like something is terribly wrong with me for having no love for the person who gave birth to me.
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Old June 25th, 2019, 02:28 PM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: Am I a monster for hating my mother?

Sometimes two people just don't get along. Being related by blood doesn't change that. Recognizing that fact does not make you a monster.

At the same time, I am concerned about your own self-esteem. Someone who should be your best advocate seems to belittle you whenever she gets the chance.

Have you brought this to a therapist to help you heal and have your best chance at happiness?
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Old June 25th, 2019, 05:56 PM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: Am I a monster for hating my mother?

Exactly. Mr Eko, you owe your mother nothing. Don't feel bad about it, don't worry about other people's opinions. But like Lucy says, seek out therapy to build the self-esteem that she should have built for you. I hope you can eventually forgive her for being such a rotten mother. There's a Mark Twain quote that has been coming out of my mouth a lot lately -

Quote:
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
~Mark Twain
Don't let your mother's behavior continue to harm you.
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Old June 26th, 2019, 11:01 AM
Mr Eko Mr Eko is offline
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Re: Am I a monster for hating my mother?

Thank you so much for the replies. I need to get into therapy because of this. It has done a number on me mentally. My mother is a toxic person. Everyone else is so blindly loyal to her, that they just can't see how awful she is, and how she will end up burning one of them eventually. I don't see ever forgiving her for anything. I have tried to, but as of now, I have not been able to bring myself to forgive her. I did have one relative say to me recently that she has been wrong about a lot of things and has made some terrible mistakes, so there is that at least. It was good to hear that there is a limit to her charm. My mother actually phoned a now former friend of mine (in fact, I've posted a few threads about her, LOL) and told her that she did the right thing in ending our friendship and even advised her to go to court and take out a restraining order against me. That had to have been very awkward, seeing as how the two had never even met before.

That's just what kind of person my mother is. Just kicks me while I am down. At the time, I was utterly devastated over the loss of that friend. She meant the world to me and she made up her mind a long time ago to end the friendship, but then waffled back and forth for a year, before finally pulling the plug. Then later said that she had "kept me around" because she "felt sorry" for me. What kind of "friend" does that? Her and my mother are apparently cut from the same cloth. Anyway, I don't miss her as much as I did at first, but at the time, I was just SICK over it and I actually contemplated taking my own life. My mother did NOT even care. Someone alerted her to it and told her that she may act all tough and act like she doesn't care, but had I taken my own life, she would have felt very different seeing me on my back in a box with a carnation on top. Personally, I don't think she would miss me.

I hurt a lot. I manage a smile once in awhile, but that's about it. I need to get into counseling and fast. Honestly, I am in a state of emergency. As it stands now, I just need to get into some type of counseling where someone can stop the bleeding, so to speak.
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Old June 26th, 2019, 12:42 PM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: Am I a monster for hating my mother?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr Eko View Post
I actually contemplated taking my own life. My mother did NOT even care. Someone alerted her to it and told her that she may act all tough and act like she doesn't care, but had I taken my own life, she would have felt very different seeing me on my back in a box with a carnation on top. Personally, I don't think she would miss me.

I hurt a lot. I manage a smile once in awhile, but that's about it. I need to get into counseling and fast. Honestly, I am in a state of emergency. As it stands now, I just need to get into some type of counseling where someone can stop the bleeding, so to speak.

Mr Eko, I am so sorry for your pain. You ARE in a state of emergency and you should not wait to get help. I am not qualified, but there is help available. Right now.

Call 1-800-273-8255

or go to https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ and start a live chat.

They will listen to your story and help you find the right person to help you in your local area.

You don't deserve the bad treatment from your mother. You deserve to be happy in this life right now. Take this first step. Go get your happiness!
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