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Old September 24th, 2014, 12:11 PM
islandlife3 islandlife3 is offline
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Spiteful sister

So after almost two years of being estranged from my two sisters due to their relentless vile and hurtful behaviour towards me for years, I faced them for the first time a few months ago due to being at my dying fathers bedside. We got on just fine and no one mentioned the past, obviously due to the seriousness of what we were all having to face, and even supported each other at this terrible time. I am a brit expat living in USA and made a decision to fly back to UK and see my dad one last time, he passed a couple of hours before my return flight, a devastating experience,still struggling with the berevement.

Anyway, my sisters and I kept in contact, it seemed they had changed and matured after the experience, and sister 1 intends to fly over to America to visit me soon, everything was going just fine between the three of us or so it seemed, and then out of the blue sister 2 speaks to me on the phone, and very presumptuously asks me to lend her a large amount of money so she can join sister 1 and also fly over to visit me! The way she said it was definitely more of a demand than an ask, she just expected me to wire her some money, and she showed no humility whatsoever. I currently do a little part time job over here, and could no way afford to magic up this amount of money at such short notice (she needed it right now!) and broke the news to her politely that I can't afford it, and the only way it would be possible is if I ask my husband for the money to give to her, which I'm not willing to do, considering he's spent a lot on me recently.

After this conversation her attitude on the phone changed, and she made a few very snidey personal remarks at me, and made an attempt to drag my character through the mud about other unrelated stuff from the past. It made me very sad and angry, considering I was so badly bullied by them in the past that I had no choice but to cut them out of my life, yet SHE brings up stuff to try and guilt ME! When I have much more of a reason to hold a grudge against her but choose not to. Well I'd by lying if I said it doesn't still hurt; it does, but my dad passing put things into perspective, besides I'd never confront my sisters because they refuse all accountability anyway, and would not ever admit they were wrong or sorry, not in a million years.

Anyway, since this incident, she's been totally cold with me, giving me silent treatment that just makes me want to scream. It's affecting me very badly, I feel aggressive and keep crying over the unfairness of her recent behaviour. In fact I stayed in bed this weekend. Latest news is apparently sister 1 was willing to lend her the money, and for a few days talked as if they were both coming. So through gritted teeth I briefly emailed sister 2 being very nice and asking her if she was now indeed coming too, sent this a week ago and had NO ANSWER, then yesterday sister 1 said in an email that sister 2 isn't coming! Why couldn't she tell me this herself? Sulking cos I couldn't produce what she wanted? Silent treatment? Urgh. Seems like it's back to square one with her, well almost. But her behaviour is completely unacceptable, why would she be trying to hurt me over this? I'm dealing with enough right now, coping with the bereavement, loneliness, depression etc. and honestly don't need this. I don't deserve it. My husband is concerned about how letting them back in my life has affected me, and was appalled that she was so forward in asking me for the money, then treating me poorly when I said no. Just don't know how to deal with this.
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Old September 24th, 2014, 12:34 PM
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Re: Spiteful sister

I'm sorry for your loss.

How to deal with this? It's tough and 1 time will not fix things, but here are some ideas:

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Originally Posted by islandlife3 View Post
and then out of the blue sister 2 speaks to me on the phone, and very presumptuously asks me to lend her a large amount of money so she can join sister 1 and also fly over to visit me! The way she said it was definitely more of a demand than an ask, she just expected me to wire her some money, and she showed no humility whatsoever. I currently do a little part time job over here, and could no way afford to magic up this amount of money at such short notice (she needed it right now!) and broke the news to her politely that I can't afford it, and the only way it would be possible is if I ask my husband for the money to give to her, which I'm not willing to do, considering he's spent a lot on me recently.
First, you do not have to give in to unreasonable demands. "No." is a complete sentence and you do not have to JADE-- Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain why you are saying no.

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After this conversation her attitude on the phone changed, and she made a few very snidey personal remarks at me, and made an attempt to drag my character through the mud about other unrelated stuff from the past...Anyway, since this incident, she's been totally cold with me, giving me silent treatment that just makes me want to scream.
The silent treatment, passive aggressive behavior, and character assassination are all attempts to emotionally black mail you into doing what she wants. Ignore it. Be polite when you must be in her presence, end conversations and leave/disconnect when she does this. Simply say, "I can see you are not in a good mood to talk; we'll catch up when you're in a better place." and disengage. She may change, she may not, but she will hold no more power over you.

Quote:
It's affecting me very badly, I feel aggressive and keep crying over the unfairness of her recent behaviour. In fact I stayed in bed this weekend. ... My husband is concerned about how letting them back in my life has affected me, and was appalled that she was so forward in asking me for the money, then treating me poorly when I said no.
This I am concerned with. You said this incident happened recently, and you're still grieving over the loss of your father. Please consult a professional to help you get over this. It's affecting your life so you need more than just to "get over it." Start with either a grief counselor or a GP to help you determine if/where you fall on the depression scale. You'll be better able to deal with your sister after this!
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Old September 24th, 2014, 03:10 PM
islandlife3 islandlife3 is offline
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Re: Spiteful sister

Quote:
Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt View Post
I'm sorry for your loss.

How to deal with this? It's tough and 1 time will not fix things, but here are some ideas:
First, you do not have to give in to unreasonable demands. "No." is a complete sentence and you do not have to JADE-- Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain why you are saying no.

The silent treatment, passive aggressive behavior, and character assassination are all attempts to emotionally black mail you into doing what she wants. Ignore it. Be polite when you must be in her presence, end conversations and leave/disconnect when she does this. Simply say, "I can see you are not in a good mood to talk; we'll catch up when you're in a better place." and disengage. She may change, she may not, but she will hold no more power over you.

This I am concerned with. You said this incident happened recently, and you're still grieving over the loss of your father. Please consult a professional to help you get over this. It's affecting your life so you need more than just to "get over it." Start with either a grief counselor or a GP to help you determine if/where you fall on the depression scale. You'll be better able to deal with your sister after this!
Thank you.

Yes it is very sad that she has obviously not changed after all. It makes me feel like, how dare she even have the nerve to slander my character considering everything!!! Feeling so angry. And to act this way after my dad passed away not so long ago? Disgraceful. She is in the wrong for sure, and certainly was in past incidents too when helping make me the family scapegoat, yet she refuses all accountability and continues to point fingers at me, even now, after all this time! And after I, even as the victim in all this, was willing to move forward and play nice with them when I could have held onto the grudge but chose not to.

Well I am living all the way in America and she's across the pond, so it's not like we will be seeing one another, and it doesn't look as if she will be sending me warm, bantering emails anytime soon, so it's not as if I will have to deal with further confrontation for a while, let her stew over how slighted she feels that I am unable to fund her vacation!

But certainly, if or when we do talk on the phone/email in future I shall take your advice and just disengage if she starts with any kind of abuse or subliminal comments! Easier said than done though, as I'm sure my knee jerk reaction will be to react and cry at how unfair she's being.

I am unable to seek help face to face due to being in a very remote location, however am currently looking into getting some phone therapy. I took one of those depression rating things online and my score was a bit worrying. But have had depression on and off for years due to my family problems, I'll get through it somehow. Losing my dad was horrendous, feeling like I could do with talking about not just the bereavement, but also the trauma of watching him slowly slip away day by day at his bedside.
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Old September 24th, 2014, 05:42 PM
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Re: Spiteful sister

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Originally Posted by islandlife3 View Post
I'm sure my knee jerk reaction will be to react and cry at how unfair she's being.
This is what bullies WANT you to do. If she didn't get that reaction from you, she wouldn't act so horrendously towards you. If you were completely unphased by her cruelty, she would learn that being cruel to you doesn't get her what she wants.

Hi islandlife3. I'm a little bit taken aback at how similar our stories are. I also have two sisters from whom I was estranged at the time of my father's death. When he died, I tried to bury the hatchet and get along with my sisters, only to discover that leopards can not change their spots.

My advice is to take time to heal YOU. Do not involve your sisters (either of them). I realize one is coming to see you, and there's nothing you can do about that. I would suggest being pleasant on that visit but not actively pursuing the relationship afterwards until YOU feel strong enough to deal with them.

Here's the part I worry about - the sister who is coming to see you is a Flying Monkey. Remember from the Wizard of Oz how the flying monkeys were sent out to do the Wicked Witch's bidding? Perhaps your sister didn't start off with that intention - perhaps she was genuinely sincere in her efforts to re-establish a relationship. But then the other sister got involved, and now there are "sides." Do not fall for it. Be absolutely, entirely, completely, unflappably pleasant about the sister who isn't coming, and do NOT say anything that can and will be used against you. You regret that she couldn't come. Wouldn't it have been fun if she would have been able to come! You hope that next time she'll have the money to come. And so on.

Anyway... to share some very wise words that my husband said to me when I was devastated about my sisters' behavior (while my dad was still alive)... my husband told me that it was one thing for my sisters to be abusive to me, but their behavior was affecting our children (through my ability to 'parent' because I was so upset). When he pointed out to me that my children were suffering because of my sisters, the Momma Bear in me came out and it gave me the strength and resolve to not go back for more abuse.

I regret that I don't have a relationship with my sisters, but I do not accept fault for it. They are the ones who behaved badly. I just reacted by doing what needed to be done for my family.
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Old September 24th, 2014, 07:18 PM
islandlife3 islandlife3 is offline
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Smile Re: Spiteful sister

Quote:
Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
This is what bullies WANT you to do. If she didn't get that reaction from you, she wouldn't act so horrendously towards you. If you were completely unphased by her cruelty, she would learn that being cruel to you doesn't get her what she wants.

Hi islandlife3. I'm a little bit taken aback at how similar our stories are. I also have two sisters from whom I was estranged at the time of my father's death. When he died, I tried to bury the hatchet and get along with my sisters, only to discover that leopards can not change their spots.

My advice is to take time to heal YOU. Do not involve your sisters (either of them). I realize one is coming to see you, and there's nothing you can do about that. I would suggest being pleasant on that visit but not actively pursuing the relationship afterwards until YOU feel strong enough to deal with them.

Here's the part I worry about - the sister who is coming to see you is a Flying Monkey. Remember from the Wizard of Oz how the flying monkeys were sent out to do the Wicked Witch's bidding? Perhaps your sister didn't start off with that intention - perhaps she was genuinely sincere in her efforts to re-establish a relationship. But then the other sister got involved, and now there are "sides." Do not fall for it. Be absolutely, entirely, completely, unflappably pleasant about the sister who isn't coming, and do NOT say anything that can and will be used against you. You regret that she couldn't come. Wouldn't it have been fun if she would have been able to come! You hope that next time she'll have the money to come. And so on.

Anyway... to share some very wise words that my husband said to me when I was devastated about my sisters' behavior (while my dad was still alive)... my husband told me that it was one thing for my sisters to be abusive to me, but their behavior was affecting our children (through my ability to 'parent' because I was so upset). When he pointed out to me that my children were suffering because of my sisters, the Momma Bear in me came out and it gave me the strength and resolve to not go back for more abuse.

I regret that I don't have a relationship with my sisters, but I do not accept fault for it. They are the ones who behaved badly. I just reacted by doing what needed to be done for my family.
Hi KayKay
Sorry to hear your situation is so similar to mine, but at the same time kind of relieved in a way to learn I'm not the only one, as it does seem to be an unusual situation and one that most people just don't 'get'. Are both your sisters younger than you too? I'm the oldest, so it seems ridiculous that it's me being bullied, but I guess they're just continuing learned behavior from the generations before them, scapegoating me! Now that I live across the pond, and was estranged for almost two years until now, I wonder who/what they used as a punchbag instead? Sister number two in particular is very angry and spiteful by nature, so I don't believe she's been mellow for the whole time we weren't speaking.

Sorry to hear about the loss of your father too, how long ago did this happen? Yes it is very sad that whilst in the midst of all the heartbreak of losing your Dad, like me you allowed your sisters back in your life thinking they'd changed based on their temporary supportive behavior after he passed, only to find they were just wolves in sheeps clothing, what a kick in the teeth Do you definitely think that if people are that nasty, nothing can change them, even the loss of a parent? Well short of her receiving a blow to the head it seems she'll remain the same spiteful girl forever.

Well you see, my two sisters live together and are very 'hand in glove', they always used to play one off against the other plus gang up on me constantly so doubt that part has changed. It's tempting to go to the nicer sister and complain about spiteful sisters behavior, but after reading your advice I'll certainly think about refraining from doing that! Although her visit is just all pie in the sky, she can't choose a travel date, always changes her mind about her cut off point for booking, and now that this is happening it wouldn't surprise me if she ends up not coming.

I totally relate to sitting around being depressed over your sisters actions, and it affecting your day to day life, your husband sounds very supportive and his advice definitely gave you the much needed push to make the change and rid your life of their negativity, so well done for having the strength to cut your sisters out.

Did your sisters not only be awful towards you, but also turn around and blame you for everything if you ever tried to talk to them about it? This is what mine were like, they're always right, I'm always wrong, all past incidents they somehow blame me for causing them, and have never said the word sorry or ever shown remorse for anything.

I guess part of me wants to believe that my sister can't really be a bully, that I can somehow reason with her, and let her know how much it hurts that she's like this and she'll stop. But of course, by doing this I might as well show her a map of all my weak spots so she knows exactly where to kick me. Because I've never been a bully, it's hard for me to imagine intentionally using someone's weaknesses against them, and kicking them when they're down.
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Old September 24th, 2014, 08:12 PM
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Re: Spiteful sister

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Originally Posted by islandlife3 View Post
Are both your sisters younger than you too?
Actually, no. I'm the youngest; my sisters are 3 years apart, and then 5 years later I came along.

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Originally Posted by islandlife3 View Post
Sorry to hear about the loss of your father too, how long ago did this happen?
It has been 12 years. It gets less painful with time, I promise.

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Originally Posted by islandlife3 View Post
Do you definitely think that if people are that nasty, nothing can change them, even the loss of a parent?
Well, I'm an eternal optimist. I believe that people can change, but only if they want to. My sisters (and yours, it seems) don't feel any need to change.

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Did your sisters not only be awful towards you, but also turn around and blame you for everything if you ever tried to talk to them about it?
Oh yeah. EVERYTHING was always my fault. Because they were older, and because there were two of them (to back up each other's false stories) they were in the "power" position so I didn't confront them much about the cruelty. The things that I confronted them about were the things that I had facts and figures and could PROVE they were wrong. Their response was "Well, too bad."

Hang in there, islandlife3. It'll take awhile, but it'll get better.
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Old September 26th, 2014, 07:17 AM
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Re: Spiteful sister

I'm so sorry this has happened to you...KayKay has given you some very good advice...and has been thru a similar situation...so, I'm glad she was able to help.

never ceases to amaze me, while reading this, how people can be of the same family, same genes, and one or two end up being mean, while the others are perfectly normal caring human beings.

I'm so glad the mean one isn't coming b/c you'd be stuck with a pretty miserable person in your home....so, thankfully she won't be there, but am inclined to say the same as KayKay about not saying a word...

Hope you have a great time together...and all goes well. You never know, she may be a very nice person...
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Old September 26th, 2014, 02:57 PM
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Re: Spiteful sister

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I'm so sorry this has happened to you...KayKay has given you some very good advice...and has been thru a similar situation...so, I'm glad she was able to help.

never ceases to amaze me, while reading this, how people can be of the same family, same genes, and one or two end up being mean, while the others are perfectly normal caring human beings.

I'm so glad the mean one isn't coming b/c you'd be stuck with a pretty miserable person in your home....so, thankfully she won't be there, but am inclined to say the same as KayKay about not saying a word...

Hope you have a great time together...and all goes well. You never know, she may be a very nice person...

Hi cremebrulee - that's an awesome username!

Well first of all we shall see if the 'nicer' sister does indeed come to visit, and is not just all talk. So far she's been indecisive about travel dates, and is on a very tight budget so who knows. If she books a plane ticket then I'll know she seriously wants to continue building bridges with me, as it's her time and money she'll be parting with.

But maybe the other sister has put her off somewhat with the drama, and she's probably bad mouthing me to everyone about how incredibly selfish I am for not lending her the money to come on the trip, Urgh. What a nasty piece of work, and she's still giving me silent treatment. Like I've done something terrible *sigh*
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Old September 26th, 2014, 04:23 PM
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Re: Spiteful sister

well, there is a consulation, you know the truth, so as the song goes, "hold your head up" and if the other sister doesn't come, pray for both of them....I mean to tell you prayer does help, especially for those who are mean to you....

sending hugs....
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Old September 26th, 2014, 04:45 PM
islandlife3 islandlife3 is offline
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Re: Spiteful sister

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Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
well, there is a consulation, you know the truth, so as the song goes, "hold your head up" and if the other sister doesn't come, pray for both of them....I mean to tell you prayer does help, especially for those who are mean to you....

sending hugs....
Thanks for the support, it means a lot. Finding it hard to pray for nasty people but it's something I'm trying to work on!
Doing my best to keep occupied this weekend as my husband is away doing military stuff, feeling surprisingly positive considering I'm alone, hopefully the good mood lasts.
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