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Old October 16th, 2014, 08:40 PM
Mrsdennie Mrsdennie is offline
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Question Does it really matter?

I'm new here and forgive me if this is a bit strange. I would like some unbiased opinions on a situation I'm dealing with.

Quick back story: I am the product of an affair from 1986 and as such did not have my father around all that much. He kind of came and went as he pleased. When I was 15 he finally told his wife about me and his indiscretions with my mother. He told me he would make an effort to be In my life more. This unfortunately did not happen because his wife couldn't handle the heartache that was my presence. So, he split... Again. I am 28 years old and since then have talked to him 3 or so times and seen him once (all in secret of course) which is why it's been more than 4 years since our last contact. I am not down with all the secrecy now that I am an adult.

Here is the dilemma: I am happily married with an amazing 1 year old boy. I know that a relationship between my father and I will not happen. I have more or less accepted this. But I know he would enjoy seeing a picture and a short note about his grandson. I do not necessarily want or need him in his life but I just feel like he should know about my son. On the other hand, I think to myself "if you know it will never be a meaningful relationship then what would be the point?" It's probably those pesky abandonment issues creeping up on me again but I'm curious as to what an outsider would suggest. Any opinion is helpful. Don't be shy... But please also, don't be hateful.
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Old October 17th, 2014, 04:13 AM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: Does it really matter?

Welcome!

Your father doesn't sound mean or abusive, at least not towards you. He sounds like he has commitment issues. If that is something you can accept, and you also are realistic about how involved he'll be (or not), there's no reason why you shouldn't share some generic information about your son with him. Leave the gate open. Maybe he'll grow up in the next 50 years.
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Old October 17th, 2014, 10:48 AM
Mrsdennie Mrsdennie is offline
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Re: Does it really matter?

Thank you so much for the input. I feel like just letting him know about his grandson will provide me peace of mind enough, even if he doesn't become a part of his life. I don't want to have to tell my son in 5 years that his grandfather doesn't even know he exists.
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Old October 17th, 2014, 12:27 PM
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Re: Does it really matter?

I agree with you, your son has a right to know where he came from, and if you do send your father a photo and a note, it leaves the door for communication ajar at least, and who knows what might happen next year?
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Old October 17th, 2014, 02:40 PM
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Re: Does it really matter?

'nother vote for sending the pic & a short note (btw here in the States its close to Halloween - costumes make for great casual pics)
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Old October 20th, 2014, 05:49 AM
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Re: Does it really matter?

First off... I'm so sorry for your dilemma. You've done well and moved on with your life. Now, speaking as a father and grandfather... Your dad has no idea what he's missing out on. IMHO... You go ahead and send him that photo of his grandson - if not for him... do it for your own peace of mind.
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Old October 21st, 2014, 11:49 AM
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Re: Does it really matter?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrsdennie View Post
I'm new here and forgive me if this is a bit strange. I would like some unbiased opinions on a situation I'm dealing with.

Quick back story: I am the product of an affair from 1986 and as such did not have my father around all that much. He kind of came and went as he pleased. When I was 15 he finally told his wife about me and his indiscretions with my mother. He told me he would make an effort to be In my life more. This unfortunately did not happen because his wife couldn't handle the heartache that was my presence. So, he split... Again. I am 28 years old and since then have talked to him 3 or so times and seen him once (all in secret of course) which is why it's been more than 4 years since our last contact. I am not down with all the secrecy now that I am an adult.

Here is the dilemma: I am happily married with an amazing 1 year old boy. I know that a relationship between my father and I will not happen. I have more or less accepted this. But I know he would enjoy seeing a picture and a short note about his grandson. I do not necessarily want or need him in his life but I just feel like he should know about my son. On the other hand, I think to myself "if you know it will never be a meaningful relationship then what would be the point?" It's probably those pesky abandonment issues creeping up on me again but I'm curious as to what an outsider would suggest. Any opinion is helpful. Don't be shy... But please also, don't be hateful.
First off, I can tell you that no one but no one is hateful here, honestly these gals have so much class, are honest to the core and offer some very valid and useful opinions...it may not always be what you want to hear, but let me tell you, they have helped this stubborn ol lady. Now, as far as this situation you are facing, if you want to send him a pic of your son, do so, but do not expect much...usually people don't change, however, it is possible, that he may want to see him...it is also possible, he may not....? one can never predict what another will do, but remember, he has to live with his wife...so he chose to put his head in the sand and acknowledge her wishes, which I can understand how she feels on one hand, but on the other she must realize how you feel....you were only a victim of their selfishness...but, it is also easy for me to say this, b/c I am not in this situation or have ever experienced it...so? Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best....never knew my father either....

Hugs, Creme
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