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Old August 25th, 2017, 11:24 PM
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TheAverageMartin TheAverageMartin is offline
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Irrational Distrust Towards Friends

Bonjour!

Like I said in my Introduction post, I joined this forum because there's been something nagging me inside my brain. Negative thoughts that lead me to believe what I want, without having proof of it.
Remember! TL;DR at the end of the post!

Let me break it down with a simple example using dogs. Yes... dogs! *bark*

Imagine an owner who's violent with the dog. Each time the dog barks, goes sniff somewhere, or even breaths heavily, the owner starts screaming and hitting the dog.
As days, weeks, years go by, the dog grows into a very distrusting, fearful dog, thus, running away from any human. The dog believes that humans will have violent reactions towards him.

Now, getting into reality, that dog is me. Well, not me, but... you'll understand.

When I moved around an year and a half ago into this house with my mom, I decided to take the risk and overcome my shyness.
I never had it easy with people, specially the womens. These weren't really bad situations, just typical stuff that anyone comes across during life.

So, year and a half ago, I moved, and soon after, joined a facebook group named after the neighborhood's name, and posted something along the lines of "new to town, wanna meet new people to make friends with".
Quickly, a rain of "welcome" and "glad to have you here" comments appeared. One of these invited me to a specific Whatsapp group with no more than 10 people in it. I joined and made friends really quick.
We used to hang out almost every weekend, for a beer, a movie, barbecue at someone's house, etc.

Because of other reasons, I used to occasionally get depressed. When this happened, these people visited me and simply spent time next to me because they knew I had very depressive thoughts.
I am a person who enjoys giving without expecting something in return, so of course, when I received such good vibes from them, I decided to return it into any kind of favor I could, like helping them clean their houses while having a snack with them, or help them fix PC related stuff. Anything, basically.

Months later, I found a job thanks to one of the girls that was in the group. She told me her boyfriend was looking for a wheelman in a delivery job. I love driving, so I said "hell yeah!".
I worked for months until I realized the kind of person that man was. If I could curse, I would. P**** of s*** human.
I couldn't tell him that I didn't want to continue working because I had developed a great friendship with him before realizing he was a mean person. I just didn't know how to talk to my boss/friend. The idea of keeping a normal friendship after telling him "the way you boss me around is pissing me off" just couldn't fit in my mind.

I lied to him. I told him I had a peak of stress that lead to Ulcerative Colitis. I had it diagnosed seven years ago, so I thought it would be a good lie. I mean, who didn't lie to get off work, or to skip school, or to stay home instead of having to see those boring family members you don't get along with?

That same day, a saturday, I went out with these friends. By this time, issues between other members made my boss' girlfriend leave the group, so I thought it would be next to impossible for him to find out I was actually ok.
Apparently, I was wrong.

He found out, got mad at me and cut all relations. Kinda felt good, to be honest. No more dealing with his sh...sh...shtuff. I had a free life with some money I saved with the job to spend on things.

The news of the lie filtered into the group, and from a growing group of nineteen members, four thought I was a chronic liar, and that I lied from day one.
From that moment, they started hanging out behind my back, ignoring me and treating me in a cold way.

Because of reasons, my dog (not related to the dog in the top of the post) came home for a week. One of these four people, who by then didn't think I was a chronic liar, and who also loves dogs, wanted to meet my dog, so I took the beautiful barking creature to her petstore.

The next day, she kicks me out of the group without explanation whatsoever. She played the "mysterious game" saying things like "you think what you did was ok?" - "What did I do?" - "You should know..."...
It was a painful bullet to the heart. I trusted them and basically whipped my back with the amount of times I repeated "I'm sorry" and "I know I'm an idiot" over and over to show my regret. I should also add I didn't lie to them, but they took it that way.

Another girl from the group antagonized me because I once said "she drives me crazy" meaning she was a really attractive person. This comment of mine led to her having problems with her boyfriend. My boss, being a very nasty person, said "she is a straight up whore" because she mentioned intimate, graphic details of her sex life, but that didn't get to her ears... Talk about plotting against me.

Jumping again to the moment the dog-loving girl kicked me out of the group, I later learned it was because I stole from her. I never knew what I stole, when I stole or where. No one had the courage to face me and ask me "did you really?...".

Fast foward to this day. This is when my violent-owner-with-dog comparison enters.
I learned from that old, worthless group of so-called "friends" that a person can surprise you, so you should never fully trust.
Some members of the old group didn't doubt about me, so they kept being my friends. We formed a new group...

What happened a few hours ago from this moment was that we had planned to hang out and go to a bar. Apparently, it was canceled, but no one said anything about it in the group. Just by this small detail, which proves nothing, I automatically doubted and walked around eighteen blocks to the place and even entered to see if they had actually gone there, but didn't want me to know because (Martin is very stupid) they don't want to spend time with me...

I have to live with characteristics of my personality that I absolutely despite. It's really hard to change those. Added to that, this world is full of the things I despite, so every three days I ask "why fight for a good life, when everything that surrounds you is bad and sad?"

TL;DR: Old group of friends betrayed me. New group of friends has strange attitudes that lead me to distrust them just like I distrusted the old group.

Now, did I do wrong in doubting? Did it exaggerated when I walked to actually check if they went to the bar? How can I protect myself without overthinking it?

PS: is it wrong if I ask for someone to talk to me? I really need someone to hear me and to give me good advice.
PPS: pray, share your stories if you want.
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Old August 26th, 2017, 04:40 AM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: Irrational Distrust Towards Friends

Welcome, Martin.

My, you've had a rough time of it! Try to separate the old group of friends from the new group of friends. They are different people and deserve to be judged on their own merits.

The first group of friends... It sounds like the honeymoon was over and your friendships had reached the point where you either had to love them in their imperfection or move on. Unfortunately, you decided to move on from one by telling a lie which the others heard. They don't trust you. It's hard to get trust back after a lie, but they weren't good friend material anyway.

The second group of friends... The evening was cancelled. How did you learn about it? While I think it a little over the top to walk 18 blocks because you don't believe them (that's how the first group feels about you, btw), you found they didn't lie. I hope that helps you to break through the distrust some.

I think you would benefit from talking to someone. Maybe they can help you determine what is real to the external situation, and what is over-thinking.

Have you been evaluated and/or treated for depression?
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Old August 26th, 2017, 02:08 PM
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TheAverageMartin TheAverageMartin is offline
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Re: Irrational Distrust Towards Friends

Quote:
Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt View Post
Unfortunately, you decided to move on from one by telling a lie which the others heard.
I didn't lie to any of the members of the group. I lied to my boss because working for him was really painful, between excessive insults, and constant criticizing towards my life style.
Do I feel regret? Yes. I wouldn't do it again. I'd rather build up some courage and tell him "I can't stand the way to treat me. I quit."

Quote:
Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt View Post
The evening was cancelled. How did you learn about it?
I didn't. No one said "I won't go" or "canceled".
You know how you can change the title of a WhatsApp group? This was "Meet @ bar @ 11pm". This wasn't changed until the next day. I asked several people and only got a "I overslept" and "too lazy with this rain" excuse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt View Post
I think you would benefit from talking to someone. Maybe they can help you determine what is real to the external situation, and what is over-thinking.
Have you been evaluated and/or treated for depression?
After choosing to fight through the struggle, I contacted an excellent therapist that really helped me. However, I had a few more steps to climb to be in an optimum state, so I went to a psychiatrist to have a second opinion and to help with medication. It did help, a lot. So much so that around a month ago I decided to pause the therapist because I felt like I had nothing to talk about other than tribal stuff, and felt really good. Plus, I wanted to test myself and face life's tests by my own.
I was thinking about returning, but I don't have enough money. Kinda expensive. I'm working on it, though, so eventually I'll return.

What's interesting about this whole thing is that my feelings of distrust do not appear with other older friends.

I believe that, after hours and hours of thinking, this comes because I'm a shy, insecure guy and I always fear I won't make friends as easy. Consciously, I know I can make friends. I'm a very social and outgoing person. Thanks to music, I manage to get up on stage and do what I do best.

EDIT: Thanks for taking the time to read and reply!
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