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  #41  
Old March 6th, 2008, 01:13 PM
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Re: On Grandparent Rights

So now I guess we know the answer when we ask ourselves 'do they think it's their GOD-GIVEN RIGHT?!??'

Hmmm. It seems that actually, yes they do!
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  #42  
Old March 6th, 2008, 02:43 PM
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Re: On Grandparent Rights

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Originally Posted by Grace View Post
So now I guess we know the answer when we ask ourselves 'do they think it's their GOD-GIVEN RIGHT?!??'

Hmmm. It seems actually, yes they do!
My MIL had made many assumptions about what she'd be doing as a grandmother before my husband was even old enough to drive.

No one let me in on that bit of info until after my kids were born. I think if those expectations were something we could talk about it would have been easier on our relationship but that is not the way it is. (Reality bites. I am giving up on the dream of effective communication and just trying to make sure nothing I love gets mauled too badly or bitten off.)

MIL has felt very hurt by the choices we have made and even the choices non-relatives have made about their own lives and families (especially 'her' children which is any child she has so much as babysat).

She does not get the idea that what she wants is not automatically right for everyone. To her credit though she does keep trying to have relationships despite how much we all continue to hurt and disappointed her by not eagerly embracing her ideas.

Last edited by nonnymouse; March 6th, 2008 at 02:48 PM.
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  #43  
Old March 6th, 2008, 09:43 PM
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Re: On Grandparent Rights

My FIL was an alcoholic. He would relapse so many times, and I would be concerned before I went over to their house if he would be drunk. When he drank he usually just disappeared for a day/night and then reappear when he was hungover.

However, once he had fallen during a drinking binge, and it had flooded in our Northern California area city, and he was bruised, black eye, and I sat at their dining room table and told him while he was hungover that he wouldn't be able to see his grandkids anymore until he stopped drinking.
I felt it was in the best interest of the kids, and hope that it would prompt him to stop drinking for good that time. I couldn't stand to see himself slowly kill himself that way, and couldn't let me kids at their age see their grandfather drunk.
He was a good man, but it's a situation where I think that a parent has the ultimate right and authority to say who gets to see the kids. Even blood doesn't give them the right.
Grandmother has always been wonderful, and is a great MIL, and she stayed married to him until the day he died.

JMHO
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  #44  
Old March 7th, 2008, 12:29 AM
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Re: On Grandparent Rights

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Originally Posted by trixxie View Post
My FIL was an alcoholic. He would relapse so many times, and I would be concerned before I went over to their house if he would be drunk. When he drank he usually just disappeared for a day/night and then reappear when he was hungover.

However, once he had fallen during a drinking binge, and it had flooded in our Northern California area city, and he was bruised, black eye, and I sat at their dining room table and told him while he was hungover that he wouldn't be able to see his grandkids anymore until he stopped drinking.
I felt it was in the best interest of the kids, and hope that it would prompt him to stop drinking for good that time. I couldn't stand to see himself slowly kill himself that way, and couldn't let me kids at their age see their grandfather drunk.
He was a good man, but it's a situation where I think that a parent has the ultimate right and authority to say who gets to see the kids. Even blood doesn't give them the right.
Grandmother has always been wonderful, and is a great MIL, and she stayed married to him until the day he died.

JMHO
Your illustration is so very clear, Trixxie. Thanks for sharing that story.
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  #45  
Old March 7th, 2008, 03:25 AM
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Re: On Grandparent Rights

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Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
marwahad - this is quite stunning to me! Things are quite different here.

In the U.S., the only financial obligation anyone has to family is to their minor (under age 18) children. (That may not be 100% accurate, but it's pretty close). There is no obligation to support parents or siblings. That is not to say that people don't do it. My uncles supported my grandmother until she died at 99. They were not required to do so, but they did. Many people have elderly parents live with them or pay for their care at a nursing home, but it is done on a voluntary basis.

So my question for you, marwahad, is (and I apologize for my ignorance) whether or not there are social programs in India to assist the elderly who can't support themselves? The effectiveness of such programs here in the U.S. is debatable, but we have them none-the-less.

(or maybe this would be a better thread somewhere else?)
there is no need to apologize
here in early days (may be up to 1970-1985) people live in joint families i mean parents brothers uncles their families live together . male members used to earn outside and ladies used to work inside i mean all home works
approach changed during 1990 onwards
now people are going to other place states for earning so now treand changed to small families but the bond with other family members like grand parents ,ILs remain there.

no matter what we feel from inside we still like to live and enjoy with our relatives

to tell u in detail : i will give you my example
i , mywife and my son live almost 600 kilometers from my parents and 800 kilometers from my inlaws .but still on any function of my relatives , after every three months i used to visit my parents and inlaws.
in between my relatives, uncles, brothers come to meet us depending upon their programs
to tell you more in january my child has his first hair cut at our parents home
almost 600 relatives and friends came for lunch and 200 for dinner.
and this is not only my case we also go to attend function of relatives and friends
and yes internal friction also some time arise in between but no body shows this ( rare people show in open)
we do have elderly care center in india but in metropolitin cities mainly .
also one more thing children live with their parents up till marrige ( means dependent on parents till they dont earn and after earning they marry)
and when parents are old and cant afford their medicine and other bills children pay them generally .
after retirement most parents stay with their childrens.

there can be lot more but i think this is mainly what i want to say
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  #46  
Old March 7th, 2008, 08:34 AM
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Re: On Grandparent Rights

That's really amazing marwahad! It sounds very nice, to be happily surrounded by so many loving family members. I don't think I even *have* 200 family members (much less 600!) I could name, much less invite them to dinner! I would probably enjoy dinner and a quick family reunion, but I'm afraid I need my space... I'd be very unhappy with much more than a few hours' visit.

http://www.thespaceshop.com/inemyspt.html (An actual t-shirt I own and wear often)

Do you find yourself lonely, missing family because you live so far? Or are you becoming used to it?

And who paid for the dinner?! (Sorry if I'm hijacking, but the OP seems to have disappeared and I'm interested in marwahad's experience )
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  #47  
Old March 7th, 2008, 09:35 PM
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Re: On Grandparent Rights

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Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
That's really amazing marwahad! It sounds very nice, to be happily surrounded by so many loving family members. I don't think I even *have* 200 family members (much less 600!) I could name, much less invite them to dinner! I would probably enjoy dinner and a quick family reunion, but I'm afraid I need my space... I'd be very unhappy with much more than a few hours' visit.

http://www.thespaceshop.com/inemyspt.html (An actual t-shirt I own and wear often)

Do you find yourself lonely, missing family because you live so far? Or are you becoming used to it?

And who paid for the dinner?! (Sorry if I'm hijacking, but the OP seems to have disappeared and I'm interested in marwahad's experience )

the t-shirt was nice . i agree with that u need a space but think of this

my parents gave me birth . mom faced so much problem . dad paid for all expenses be it education or others. they were with u when ever you require them badly
they were with you in your happy moods also
so what if they require a little attention after retirement
this is what i feel
can write more if u wish to listen

200,600 all were not my relatives but yes some relatives some my friends some dads etc etc.


my dad paid mostly . this is the thing i want to tell. i am earning from last 9 years still my dad who is now retired ,paid 80% i paid 20%

i do miss my parents relatives friends there but this is life you have to compromise for betterment in your life
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  #48  
Old March 8th, 2008, 10:18 AM
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Re: On Grandparent Rights

Quote:
Originally Posted by marwahad View Post
my parents gave me birth . mom faced so much problem . dad paid for all expenses be it education or others. they were with u when ever you require them badly
they were with you in your happy moods also
so what if they require a little attention after retirement
this is what i feel
can write more if u wish to listen

Of course I'd love to read more!! I am very interested in your perspective.

marwahad, I think you have a very nice family. Your parents, especially, seem very selfless.

Personally, I agree with what much of what you have written. My parents also were very selfless and I would have been glad to give them all of the attention they needed in retirement. They are now deceased, but while they were alive, they required very little attention. They were a joy to be around, so I was always glad to talk with them and see them. My parents (and it sounds like yours too) were more interested in "giving" than "taking". Unfortunately, I don't think everyone has that ideal situation.

I think a lot of problems arise when the GP's "expect" too much. I am lucky that my parents were independent. My in-laws are also relatively independent, but not as much as my parents, so I can relate somewhat to the frustrations of many DILs. I do not feel that my experience with my P's and IL's are true for everyone. There is a big difference between us (you and I, marwahad) being willing to give to our P's, and other people's P's "demanding" things, don't you think?

Many GP's feel entitled to their children's "resources" (finances, time, etc.) and expect to be put first in their children's lives... AHEAD OF THE BEST INTERESTS OF THE GRANDCHILDREN. Many GP's do not respect their kids as parents or respect the decisions their kids have made.

It does not sound like your parents are like that. My parents weren't either. My in-laws are pretty good, but they have moments where they do not put the best interest of my kids' first. That's where we have friction.

I am wondering about your culture. Would it be expected that a son support his parents in their old age even if that means not being able to afford an education for his children?
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  #49  
Old March 15th, 2008, 10:33 PM
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Re: On Grandparent Rights

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Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
Of course I'd love to read more!! I am very interested in your perspective.

marwahad, I think you have a very nice family. Your parents, especially, seem very selfless.

Personally, I agree with what much of what you have written. My parents also were very selfless and I would have been glad to give them all of the attention they needed in retirement. They are now deceased, but while they were alive, they required very little attention. They were a joy to be around, so I was always glad to talk with them and see them. My parents (and it sounds like yours too) were more interested in "giving" than "taking". Unfortunately, I don't think everyone has that ideal situation.

I think a lot of problems arise when the GP's "expect" too much. I am lucky that my parents were independent. My in-laws are also relatively independent, but not as much as my parents, so I can relate somewhat to the frustrations of many DILs. I do not feel that my experience with my P's and IL's are true for everyone. There is a big difference between us (you and I, marwahad) being willing to give to our P's, and other people's P's "demanding" things, don't you think?

Many GP's feel entitled to their children's "resources" (finances, time, etc.) and expect to be put first in their children's lives... AHEAD OF THE BEST INTERESTS OF THE GRANDCHILDREN. Many GP's do not respect their kids as parents or respect the decisions their kids have made.

It does not sound like your parents are like that. My parents weren't either. My in-laws are pretty good, but they have moments where they do not put the best interest of my kids' first. That's where we have friction.

I am wondering about your culture. Would it be expected that a son support his parents in their old age even if that means not being able to afford an education for his children?
sorry couldnt write more as this site and all mail sites banned from my office . i am at private internet cafe right now
i am planning for a laptop because i dont want to miss any oppertunity to talk to you all so till then sorry but will write soon on this issue

Last edited by marwahad; March 15th, 2008 at 10:36 PM. Reason: forgot to wright i am at private internet cafe
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  #50  
Old March 16th, 2008, 01:02 AM
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Re: On Grandparent Rights

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Originally Posted by marwahad View Post
sorry couldnt write more as this site and all mail sites banned from my office . i am at private internet cafe right now
i am planning for a laptop because i dont want to miss any oppertunity to talk to you all so till then sorry but will write soon on this issue
I look forward to reading your comments, Marwahad.
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