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View Poll Results: Is it okay for baby to shower with grandpa?
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  #1  
Old March 20th, 2013, 11:55 PM
Mammabear Mammabear is offline
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Question Grandpa wants to shower with 8 month baby. Is this normal/okay?

I need to hear others opinions on this one, as I'm not sure if my feelings are out of line, or if I'm being a control monger, etc. I recently overheard my FIL speaking to my 8 month baby boy and saying "yeah, you can have a shower with grandpa". My husband was present but I was in a different room within ear-length of the conversation. My husband didn't say yes or no to that being okay, but just commented that he hadn't even showered with him yet but would eventually. I have no problem of course with my DH showering with the baby and think that's normal and a part of parenthood but is it normal/okay to let grandpa shower with the baby? I trust my FIL even though we have different parenting styles and beliefs in general, but i feel uncomfortable with this situation and I would prefer my baby/child not see any other adults naked (other than us parents). I also worry about them slipping or an accident happening. I am very careful with my baby and he is always within my visual range to prevent /avoid injury, so letting someone other than my DH have him out of sight and showering together would be a major big step and stress for me. Am I being out of line? Or is it ok/normal for grandparents to shower with grandchildren? I feel totally okay if they want to give the baby a bath (so long as its not together in the tub). Shouldn't that be enough? I don't understand the need to shower with the baby? I want to be respectful and trusting but at the same time ultimately my babies safety comes first. I would like to hear other opinions/reasoning from parents and grandparents. Thanks in advance for your replies and thoughts.

Last edited by Mammabear; March 21st, 2013 at 12:09 AM.
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Old March 21st, 2013, 03:59 AM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: Grandpa wants to shower with 8 month baby. Is this normal/okay?

It is weird, IMO, and I wouldn't allow it. But I was never the kind of mother who cared if others thought I was being overprotective or "controlling" where my children are concerned. People who made that criticism were people to protect my children from.

Why would grandpa be there to shower anyway? Do you live with him?
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Old March 21st, 2013, 05:37 AM
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Re: Grandpa wants to shower with 8 month baby. Is this normal/okay?

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Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt View Post
Why would grandpa be there to shower anyway?
You must've yanked that one directly out of my head.

I have two grandsons and the thought of showering or even bathing with any of them never crossed my mind. I have bathed them, but that was only because mom was out of town and grandma was ill. I never had a son, but I don't see an issue with a father bathing with his son. A grandfather though? I don't know - that just seems weird.

Talk to your husband and tell him your feelings about this. Both of you need to be on the same page concerning this matter. Since grandpa is your husbands father, he needs to be the one to break the news to grandpa. He may not like it, but this is yours and your husbands son. Grandpa may feeled dissed, but he'll get over it.
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Old March 21st, 2013, 11:23 AM
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Re: Grandpa wants to shower with 8 month baby. Is this normal/okay?

Thanks for your input thus far, it helps. No, Grandpa/FIL doesn't live with us but visits every 2-3 weeks and stays for a couple days. Its important to me and I want my son to have a strong bond and relationship with all his grandparents so visits and stays at our house are welcomed and encouraged by me and my DH anytime. Open door. I know it will likely be the next visit that Grandpa will ask me (in front of my husband likely) if he can shower with him so I want to know how to gently and with respect say "no, not comfortable with it" without offending him or have my husband think I'm creating an unneeded issue.

(There's a bit of back story here I should mention so you can understand the big picture. DH and FIL are partners in business and DH avoids any communication or confrontation that could piss off FIL in fear that it will affect their business relationship. DH has asked me to do the same; basically just bowdown to whatever he wants to avoid causing issues. I'm not that type of person though. I feel open honest direct communication (although can be uncomfortable and requires more work) is always better for a relationship in the end, regardless of if its grandparents, DH, boss, friends, etc.

FIL is ready to retire and threatens to cash out anytime they have a disagreement (personal or business). FIL also has manipulative live-in unemployed no-asset for herself girlfriend in the background who also wants to retire "yesterday" not helping matters and constantly pressuring FIL to retire, and also filling his head with mistruths and lies about me. She takes advantage of the fact he doesnt communicate or verify facts to us and tells him i say things that would push his buttons (always things ive never said. Complete fabrications). Its to the point now that i refuse to be around her alone as that's all the ammunition she needs to make up what ever stories she wants and get away with it. She has already successfully severed his relationship with his own daughter and grand-daughter, and my husband fears the same may happen to us. So, DH just wants me to let grandpa do whatever he wants and doesn't set any boundaries. I feel like grandpa (wanting to trust and believe in his girlfriend) is now constantly watching for evidence of me mistrusting him, or of me trying to cause drama or issues about things. The "shower thing" I feel is going to be the next test, which I feel I'm being set up to fail regardless. If I say no, regards of how I deliver it, is going to cause an issue. DH has not mentioned anything to me about Grandpa wanting to shower with the baby yet and likely wont. He's not much of a communicator either so will likely not say anything to me about it unless he has to (I.e. after Grandpa has asked me).

I've never had any problem to date with anything. Grandpa feeds baby, has bathed him in the baby tub, even done diaper changes at his own request. I have no issue and am pleasantly surprised he tries to be so involved. I'm just not comfortable with anyone taking my baby into the shower. What if he slipped? I actually did slip in the shower /tub a number of years ago (pre-baby years) broke my foot in 3 places and cut my wrist on something going down. A fall like that with a baby in arms... Would be tragic and fatal for at least one of them if not both. I don't even shower with baby now. I tried once before but it was when he was much lighter and not as wiggley as he is now. Now that he's 21lbs, that's a lot to hold, especially while in the shower. Maybe my fall years ago is a part of my fear. Anyways, thank you all for your input. Would love to hear from more Grandpas out there as well, as to if they have showered with or wanted to shower with the grand kids. Help me understand?
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Old March 21st, 2013, 11:49 AM
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Re: Grandpa wants to shower with 8 month baby. Is this normal/okay?

IMO, there's too much involvement of FIL. He basically "owns" you. I would not let him own my baby, too. "No, I'm not comfortable with that. It isn't safe." should be enough. It's not confrontational and it isn't dramatic.

If FIL makes a big deal out of it, then you need to look into why he wants to be naked with your son. I would risk the anger of my DH and poverty for that explanation.

Last edited by LucyVanPelt; March 21st, 2013 at 12:12 PM. Reason: typos
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Old March 21st, 2013, 11:52 AM
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Re: Grandpa wants to shower with 8 month baby. Is this normal/okay?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mammabear View Post
I actually did slip in the shower /tub a number of years ago (pre-baby years) broke my foot in 3 places and cut my wrist on something going down. A fall like that with a baby in arms... Would be tragic and fatal for at least one of them if not both. I don't even shower with baby now. I tried once before but it was when he was much lighter and not as wiggley as he is now. Now that he's 21lbs, that's a lot to hold, especially while in the shower.
This is honest and true, and what I would say next time Grandpa asked to take him in the shower. I would remind Grandpa that he's welcome to bathe your son, but you think that two people being wet and slippery is just asking for trouble which is why YOU don't even do it. Maybe he can take your son in the pool over the summer.

I loved bathtime with my kids (me "on land" and them in the tub), but never showered with them. That's just weird.

Your DH needs to start making plans about continuation of the business if his dad gets mad and leaves. It sounds like this might be likely. I would NEVER want someone to be able to make demands of me concerning my children because they control me like that.
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Old March 21st, 2013, 07:11 PM
Mammabear Mammabear is offline
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Smile Re: Grandpa wants to shower with 8 month baby. Is this normal/okay?

Thank you so much everyone for your feedback. It has given me an extra boost of confidence in my feelings about it and to feel okay about saying no. I am self employed and financially independent so FIL doesn't have the same hold over me as he does with my DH. Hopefully when it comes up my DH will be supportive of my wishes and grandpa doesn't take it too hard or the wrong way. thanks again!
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Old March 21st, 2013, 10:18 PM
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Re: Grandpa wants to shower with 8 month baby. Is this normal/okay?

Agree with the others, not ok.

Would you be able to think of it as a test that Grandpa is going to pass or fail (rather than the other way around)? - Sometimes just the change of attitude gives you the tools to deal with it.
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Old March 22nd, 2013, 01:10 AM
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Re: Grandpa wants to shower with 8 month baby. Is this normal/okay?

Oh no, no not OK
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Old March 22nd, 2013, 05:13 AM
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Re: Grandpa wants to shower with 8 month baby. Is this normal/okay?

From the OP's explanation of the FIL, it appears FIL is overbearing, arrogant and used to getting his own way.

As the ladies here stated: "You're just not comfortable with that."

My own daughter has used that same line a few times. Both my wife and I respect her wishes because our grandchildren are HER children.

You may have to be the one to explain your fears (about falling and slipping) to grandpa. I know you don't mean any disrespect to the man, but this is a true fear you have and it needs to be respected.
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