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Old April 18th, 2012, 11:05 AM
arimaliz arimaliz is offline
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Angry What can i do?

I am 20 yrs old and I just moved back to my home country. I have a different custom and a different way of living. When I moved back, it was decided that I was going to live by myself, I had a place ready to be paid for me to move in and just live there while I attend university. Couple hours before my flight left, I got the news that my grand father passed and I was devastated but I decided to live with my grand mother because she is all alone. I've been living here for about 3 months and I got to see how she acts since I havent lived with her for 10 years. This is basically how she is:

1. Now that my grandfather has passed away, she mopes and is talking about him all the time. I am not that kind of person, but in respect I listen and let her talk. Sadly, the day of my grand father's funeral I wasnt allowed to cry because everyone told me that it would make her upset, so I didnt. Now, I cant cry and every time I hear people talk about how sad everything is now, it makes me angry, which I try to control with her but its very hard.

2. I have a prolonged stress which I am going to psychiatrist and psychologists for but I cannot be stressed out currently. Only family stress affects me and whenever that happens I back talk or I am just angry all the time, which my grand mother doesnt understand and is all the time nagging me no matter how many times I've told her my condition.

3. Since I am in university and I am 20, I have no idea which time i will be home but she insists that I call when I reach university, when I leave; if i go out she wants to talk to the people who I am with, when I reach the party, if there are any "adults"; before I leave I have to say the exact time I am reaching and before hand if I am going to sleep over (but I can only sleep over by a girl-friend house whom she has met or family)

4. She is racists and I come from a country where everyone was my opposite color, so that frustrates me.

5. I like doing things at my own time but I do them, if she tells me to do something I will tell her ok but then she nags every 5 minutes and then all of a sudden when I am going to do it, she has already done it and then gets to preaching about how I dont help.

6. Money for my parents to be sending from away is tight but if I ask her for money, it has to be paid back immediately; there is no giving; which is why now I cannot continue my appointments with the psychologist

7. I study at night, when I am getting ready she will ask obvious questions like "are you getting ready for university?" and even if I got like 30 mins to waste she will ask what time am I leaving. Though I told her what time I reach everyday (my classes end at 11pm so I am usually home by midnight) she still asks everyday.

8. she wants to know everything I do

9. she doesnt like strangers. Currently I have a friend who takes me home everyday but we cant even go inside and talk where it is safe because she doesnt like strangers in her house and if she lets them in, she looks at them like some diseased looking bug and treats them terribly.

10. currently she told me I cannot wash my clothes in the house because winter is coming and is getting too humid that it is better that I paid for it to be washed. I have to wash my clothes when she is not home which is very rare since she has her own shop at home

11. we live in the same room (only one room in the house)

12. we cannot communicate when I am angry because she only speaks spanish and I english and spanish but there are some words I cannot translate

13. since I study at night, I am fully awake at that time and cannot go to sleep early, usually around 4am I feel sleepy. I have to be in the living room because the computer light bothers her and I fall asleep there since the doors creek too much. But she is always waking up to tell me to go to sleep when I cant and then wakes up at 6am -7am turns all lights on and tv to full volume so then I cannot sleep any longer, I basically slept 3 hours max. and I have university at night where I try not to fall asleep

14. our characters and way of thinking clash all the time (she is leo of 67 of age and I am an Aries)

15. She is always negative. No matter what, she sees the negative side (eg. if she wants to buy something off the street one day and I say yes she is happy, but if another day she wants to buy it again and I say no thanks she says "o so you dont like it? ok fine don't eat anything then" and just start in an outrage

I have the option to move out, and I want to so badly but I have this part of me which I know is going to feel guilty because she has no one to take care of her. People have told me that I came with the decision and goal to live by myself and that I should not feel guilty but she is the grandmother that has always been there, well more than my other grandmother. I have no idea what to do...please help? :/
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Old April 18th, 2012, 11:27 AM
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Annsdil Annsdil is offline
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Re: What can i do?

You are an adult, and your Grandmother is also clearly an adult.

As adults you are each responsible for your own happiness. You are not responsible for your Grandmother's and she is not responsible for yours.

You can choose to stay with her and things not change (you can't change your Grandmother), and you remain unhappy.

You can choose to find a place of your own, as you originally intended. Whether your Grandmother chooses to accept that and makes a decision for herself to find things to make her happy is up to her, not you.

Sometimes, you need to make decisions in life that are right for you, even if they are not in line with what others would want you to do.

Good luck!
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Old April 18th, 2012, 11:30 AM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: What can i do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by arimaliz View Post
I have the option to move out, and I want to so badly but I have this part of me which I know is going to feel guilty because she has no one to take care of her. People have told me that I came with the decision and goal to live by myself and that I should not feel guilty but she is the grandmother that has always been there, well more than my other grandmother. I have no idea what to do...please help? :/
This is not a good living arrangement for you. If you have the means to live on your own, you should. Moving out does not mean that you cannot visit or help her. She may actually enjoy the space, too, and it's possible that she resents you living there just a little bit.

Also, I would recommend learning a little about the stages of grief. Your grandmother may benefit from a visit with a "grief counselor" or a minister of some kind.

Good luck!
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Old April 18th, 2012, 02:10 PM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: What can i do?

Maybe she needs some space to grieve alone. She seems like she feels obligated to "take care of" you and maybe she needs to be (gently) told that she needs to take care of herself right now.

I think you ought to move out and not feel guilty. Regardless of your plans when you moved, regardless of how difficult it is to live with her - it is a completely normal thing for young adults of your age to move into their own home. Your grandmother would not wish to deprive you of a normal act of maturity because of her own needs.

I do think that when you move out, you ought to make an effort to see your grandmother as often as you can (maybe dinner together weekly on a set day so she feels secure about that).
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Old July 16th, 2012, 06:53 AM
ChaubeuArun ChaubeuArun is offline
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Post Re: What can i do?

I agree with the other members of the board that you should move out and let her have her space and you yours
in case you are financially depended on your granny then its another case. you should try to get her some hobby like gardening, knitting, sewing and stitching or join some classes to take her mind of you and your grand dad.
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Old July 17th, 2012, 09:17 AM
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Re: What can i do?

I'm another who votes for moving out - you can still vist often with your grandma, but you both can have your space


and give yourself permission to cry ... then cry yourself out
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