Go Back   Friends and Family Forum > The Friend Forum > Other friendships

Other friendships Best friends, ex-friends, or any other friends

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old September 25th, 2011, 11:24 AM
dois20 dois20 is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3
dois20 is on a distinguished road
Question She's not putting any effort into the friendship. What should I do?

So theres this girl that I work with, and I've known her for a year, we spent an amazing summer just hanging out and at the end of the summer I asked her out and was told that she was not rejecting me but that she simply did not have enough time for a commitment like this and that maybe in the future sometime something would happen.

That was a month ago. So what not happy about is three things. The first is that now that she knows that I like her (which was a shock to her when I told her), when we're at work she still talks about how people tried to pick her up and how she saw this cute guy her bla bla bla. Thats nice I know that she rejected me and its none of my business but shouldn't she have the decency not to talk about other guys in my presence.

The second is that she should've just told me that she doesn't like me instead of sugarcoating it. Everytime I see her she's telling someone else how she went out that night, and how she went to a concert that night, and how she saw her friends that night...If she liked me and had even this much time than she could have made it work.

The third thing is her friendship. She wants to be friends which I didn't after she said no but I feel like I owe it to her just because we had such an amazing summer. But, now that I know she's not potential anymore theres things I don't have to put up with. This friendship is a one way street. She never texts me or calls me or asks to hang out, she seems not to care about me at all, not like my other friends. She's still totally normal just like in the summer but now because I'm trying to get over her I see these things happening. Its like shes not putting in any effort into it. I know she cares but its just her style of friendship, and it doesn't jive with mine.

So what should I do? I've tried to get over her but everytime I see her she'll talk about other guys or having fun and make me jealous and its back to square one. How should I go about this situation?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old September 25th, 2011, 12:09 PM
Annsdil's Avatar
Annsdil Annsdil is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 2,154
Annsdil has a reputation beyond reputeAnnsdil has a reputation beyond reputeAnnsdil has a reputation beyond reputeAnnsdil has a reputation beyond reputeAnnsdil has a reputation beyond reputeAnnsdil has a reputation beyond repute
Re: She's not putting any effort into the friendship. What should I do?

I think you have to accept that she is not interested in a relationship with you. Perhaps she senses your jealousy when she talks to other guys, which makes her uncomfortable having just a friendship with you also. She may worry that if she treats you as a friend, the boundaries may blur and you may confuse it with something more, so she is maintaining a distance.

Time for you to move on, socialise with different people. Maybe in time when she sees you have detached and if she did like being friends with you on a platonic basis, she may be so again.
__________________
******************
There’s one major problem with giving grandparents legal access to their grandchildren. People who inflicted verbal, physical and sexual abuse on their children are then given access to inflict trauma on yet another generation. ~ Wayne and Tamara
*******************
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old September 26th, 2011, 02:19 AM
Priscille's Avatar
Priscille Priscille is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 228
Priscille will become famous soon enough
Re: She's not putting any effort into the friendship. What should I do?

Hi! This might come out wrong and I don't want to hurt your feelings in any way. But when I read your post, what I want to say is: "Stop feeling so sorry for yourself and stop focusing on yourself so much!" She is not doing all these things to hurt you... she is just being who she is! Just be who you are and leave the damn 'regrets' feelings behind you! Be the one you were when you had this wonderful summer together! You ARE still that guy no matter what! Just BE him!
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old September 27th, 2011, 07:12 AM
Knot2loud's Avatar
Knot2loud Knot2loud is offline
is never to loud.
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 2,987
Knot2loud has a reputation beyond reputeKnot2loud has a reputation beyond reputeKnot2loud has a reputation beyond reputeKnot2loud has a reputation beyond reputeKnot2loud has a reputation beyond reputeKnot2loud has a reputation beyond repute
Re: She's not putting any effort into the friendship. What should I do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by dois20 View Post
So theres this girl that I work with, and I've known her for a year, we spent an amazing summer just hanging out and at the end of the summer I asked her out and was told that she was not rejecting me but that she simply did not have enough time for a commitment like this and that maybe in the future sometime something would happen.
You got rejected. My take is that she was trying to let you down easy.


Quote:
That was a month ago. So what not happy about is three things. The first is that now that she knows that I like her (which was a shock to her when I told her),
Maybe it was a shock/surprise to her. Maybe you have a friendly personality and she just thought you were someone she could talk freely to. I work with several ladies and you wouldn't believe some of the stuff they tell me.

Quote:
...when we're at work she still talks about how people tried to pick her up and how she saw this cute guy her bla bla bla. Thats nice I know that she rejected me and its none of my business but shouldn't she have the decency not to talk about other guys in my presence.
You were willing to listen to her talk about other guys. If you didn't like it, then why didn't you say something? That's your fault - not hers. If I don't want to hear something, I'll hold up my hand and just tell them I don't really want to hear this. If they get hurt or feel dissed over - that's their problem, not mine. The idea is to walk away if you don't want to listen to something that you know is going to bug you.

Quote:
The second is that she should've just told me that she doesn't like me instead of sugarcoating it.
"Like" has a lot of different definitions and you and her are not on the same page of this definition. My gut is telling me that she "liked" you enough to spend time with you and confide in you with some things going on in her life and THAT is as far as it goes in her mind. You, on the other hand, really "LIKED" her. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's not going to work if the feeling is not mutual.

...and this "sugarcoating" word you used to explain how she rejected you. She did just fine rejecting you in that manner. You just don't like being rejected.

Quote:
Everytime I see her she's telling someone else how she went out that night, and how she went to a concert that night, and how she saw her friends that night...If she liked me and had even this much time than she could have made it work.
So, she's NOT your property. She's not your girlfriend. She's not your fiance. She's not your wife. She's a single, free, adult (I assume) woman who can choose whomever she wants to talk to, date, go out with, dance with, eat dinner with or whatever with. She does NOT belong to you.


Quote:
The third thing is her friendship. She wants to be friends...
Nothing wrong with that. Women like friends - male and female. That's just the way they are. Decent women, and men, just like to have friends... or friendly conversational acquaintences. Whatever term or phrase you want to use. It's simply friendship - nothing more.

Quote:
...which I didn't after she said no but I feel like I owe it to her just because we had such an amazing summer.
If you had such an amazing summer... then accept it! Cause right now you're screwing up a great memory with someone who could be a long time friend. You and her had a great time for an entire summer and you're turing it into something bad.


Quote:
But, now that I know she's not potential anymore theres things I don't have to put up with. This friendship is a one way street. She never texts me or calls me or asks to hang out, she seems not to care about me at all, not like my other friends. She's still totally normal just like in the summer but now because I'm trying to get over her I see these things happening. Its like shes not putting in any effort into it. I know she cares but its just her style of friendship, and it doesn't jive with mine.
She's not stupid. She probably picked up on your possessive, controlling behavior and wants to distance herself from you. Again, she's not doing anything wrong.


Quote:
So what should I do?
Move on! What's the saying these days? She's just not that into you!

There are seven billion people on this planet and half are women. There's someone for everyone.

Quote:
I've tried to get over her but everytime I see her she'll talk about other guys or having fun and make me jealous and its back to square one. How should I go about this situation?
She's not making you jealous - you're making yourself jealous.

This was my #1 rule in dating: NEVER DATE SOMEONE YOU WORK WITH! You're asking for trouble when you do that.
Move on.

As far as it goes for this lady... If you're bugging her you need to stop now.

I hope you take a serious and objective look at this situation.

Last edited by Knot2loud; September 27th, 2011 at 08:43 AM. Reason: ...added walking away comment.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
dating, friend, girl

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:42 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright ©2007, The BlueSparks Network