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Old March 9th, 2016, 12:28 PM
georgemcgeorgeson georgemcgeorgeson is offline
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I think my friends depend on me too much? Am I crazy or is this dramatic?

Am I crazy or is this immature?


So, my two best friends are together and one is out of state for a month. The other, who I don't usually hang out with one-on-one that often, has been taking the absence of her partner pretty hard, so I've been trying to hang out with her more so she ins't so lonely.

We had plans to hang out last Saturday, but she texted me that morning that her sister was coming. Her sister is a bit of a handful, and I figured if she had someone for company that night, then I could come over the next day. She agreed, and I made plans with my partner and his friends that I was really excited about.

Well, not too long later, my friend texts me that her sister can't come over anymore, and will I still come over tomorrow? Of course I will.

Then, I get a call from her partner, "She's really upset you're not coming over." I text my friend that I'm sorry her sister canceled on her, but we'll have a really fun day tomorrow and we can do anything she likes.

Then, I get another call from her partner, "She's really upset, she's crying, she's *****ing me out, you've got to understand how lonely she is" etc. I get a lot of "we've done everything for you" kind of lines and I cave and say I'll go over there.

Just as I've said this, I see this condescending text from my friend that she's doesn't even want to see me tomorrow because I "chose a bar" over her. (I was going to a restaurant to watch a UFC fight, as the designated driver).

This is a bit much, the games with someone else telling me how she feels and all that. I should mention, she's 30 and I'm 25. So, I told her that if she's having an especially hard night, she should have just told me that when her sister canceled on her, and I would've been there without hesitation. Then, she gets into a huge text-war with me, I've got both her and her partner trying to call me (which I hardly had the patience to deal with at this point) and both of them texting me well into the night. More "we've dropped everything for you" and "you're just going to a bar instead of being there for me" kind of mentions. Comments that seemed to blame me for panic attacks that I didn't even know about and whatnot.

The next time we talk, she tells me she feels like she's losing a sister.


This is all too dramatic for me, I did not expect all of this from that. We've all been friends for years, but this is not the first time that a mountain was made out of a molehill. I mean, this doesn't happen all the time, but I don't want to get into a major fight for small reasons every other year. Neither of them will really listen to my side and just keep saying that I need to understand my friend's side. I finally told my friend that I'm sorry that everything got messed up and that she's not losing me and that I care about her. But she told her partner that she "still wants to be friends, but doesn't trust [me] to be there for [her]."

At this point, so many little condescending comments have been made about me that I'm pretty hurt, but I'm trying to figure out what to do about this. I had my friend's partner agree to stop speaking on anyone's behalf and cut out this stupid game of telephone. I just feel like they're being kind of codependent and dramatic, as well as not appreciating anything I've done for them (they referenced helping me during one emergency I had 5 years ago, but I've gone out of my way for them a lot since.). It makes me feel like they don't actually like me for who I am. There've been plenty of times they couldn't come to the phone or whatever and I've never held it over their heads or even mentioned it, I've never mentioned all the other stuff I've done for them either.

I realize I'm wrong for caving and saying I'd go if I didn't really want to go that night, and I should've just ignored the texts sooner, but I don't think anything else I did was really that bad. I just want to figure out the right way to say that parts of this friendship are unhealthy, it's a tad codependent, that it's not right to hold things over my head when you're upset with me, and somehow call out the condescending comments that sound like they're calling me an alcoholic for wanting to spend time with my partner and his friends. But, everytime I've tried to say anything, they tell me that friends are supposed to drop everything for each other when they need it, which I think is somewhat bull**** as well as way beyond the point with the order of events.

Please help, what can I say to them???
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Old March 9th, 2016, 12:36 PM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: I think my friends depend on me too much? Am I crazy or is this dramatic?

The good news is that you see the situation for what it is. You need off of this drama ride.

Three things for you to memorize and repeat to yourself over and over and over.

No is a complete sentence.
Do not JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).
Any response at all is just engaging them. Become a black hole when they start acting up.

You owe them nothing. The best way to respond to drama is DON'T. When they start ramping up, say "I can tell you're upset, so we'll talk about this later when you are calmer." Then stop answering texts, walk away, get busy doing something else.
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Old March 9th, 2016, 12:41 PM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: I think my friends depend on me too much? Am I crazy or is this dramatic?

I don't think there is anything you can say to them that will make them happy.

But the good news is that it isn't your responsibility to make them happy. They are responsible for their own emotions, not you. If one of them is lonely, the adult thing to do is to learn how to cope with loneliness without being a burden on someone else.

You've used the word "codependent" several times. Yes, they are codependent. Dropping everything, especially your plans with your partner, makes you an enabler.

They won't like when you stop enabling. So what? Turn to your partner and work on making friends that respect each other.
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Old March 11th, 2016, 06:28 PM
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snafu snafu is offline
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Re: I think my friends depend on me too much? Am I crazy or is this dramatic?

...uh... (don't kick me) ... when did your name become "Ms. Fit it", Prozac, Paxil, whatever, .... you get the picture


I've had panic attacks (both mild and ... debilitating) I never expected anyone to "make it better" for me ... I got meds and professional help ... and had a supportive/understanding/sympathetic DH, DSD & DS

I feel for your friend .... but as a 30 yr old she needs professional help to get better
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