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  #1  
Old December 20th, 2015, 07:58 PM
Jenna12186 Jenna12186 is offline
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Toxic friendship? Help.

Hi. I've been best friends with my BFF for 3 years now. We have a lot in common, when we physically hang out, go shopping etc. We have fun BUT most of our friendship is talking and emailing. When we talk I feel like it's all about her. She's in a bad marriage and knows it. But she loves him and yet he treats her like crap most of the time. She always tells me how miserable she is, how she's wanted to kill herself, how she can't ever do anything n is frustrated BUT she won't leave. I've watched this for 3 years now. I tell her all my stuff n normally all I get back comment wise is sorry to hear that or hang in there but most of every email is about how awful she is. Or how I can't understand. She gets mad at me for trying to help or try and use my life experience to help her or says she can't talk to me because her husband is like my ex in my eyes..which he is..but I've given him the benefit of the doubt over and over again. But I'm done..he started drinking again etc. She also says I'm hard to talk to because I'm in a happy marriage. Like tries to make me feel bad about being happily married. That right there screams jealousy. She uses words like...not to judge but your in a happy marriage there's no way you could understand or you can't understand or I can't talk or will yell I'm not telling you when I haven't asked her to tell me anything just said I'd be there for her. She'll give me clues to really bad sit but not tell me things then I think expects me to still support her marriage and never say anything. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time. I don't say what I mean mostly because I'm stressed out enough by her. It just seems like she's jealous, self absorbed, only needs me to lean on...I feel like I'm doing most of the work. Emailing, texting..etc. she flakes on me constantly and never makes time to hang out. I'm understanding cuz of her marriage issues etc but I never see her. I really love my friend but it's gotten to the point where I can't watch her hurt herself anymore or know everything but her toxic marriage...I can't be there n give n give n get nothing back. Or minimal back. She's not a bad person, she's sweet n funny n smart but also like above. I don't know whether to confront her, distance myself n just be more normal friends instead of allowing myself so close or what. I've read things that make it seem this is toxic for me. Advice? I only have 3 friends and I have a really hard time making friends so it's hard for me to walk away. Especially since I love her n she's not a bad person but she's stressing me out Constantly and has this terrible marriage.
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Old December 20th, 2015, 09:17 PM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: Toxic friendship? Help.

Really, what are your options?

Do you think you can talk to her about how paralyzed you feel? About how you'd like to help her but really just can't until she decides to help herself?
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Old December 21st, 2015, 11:37 AM
Catwoman Catwoman is offline
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Re: Toxic friendship? Help.

I had a friend just like this. She painted me a picture in the beginning of a person that was treated very badly. I became quite concerned and I got drawn into their drama.Her husband is a narcissist, he judges everyone and is very controlling. Hes quite verbally nasty she told me.She said he basically doesnt even help her much with the mortgage or the monthly bills either. I later found out they both wasted their money on other things,that was why they never had any money.They fought and split up a few times when I knew her and got back together pretty quickly within days. I got to the point of telling her she should leave him and I was quite concerned. She made excuses all the time as to why she couldnt. Then she would flip it around to protecting him and then they were all happy again I never heard from her when she was happy.
There actually was another side to her that I realised,and that was she was quite happy to stay with him.She used to talk him up saying how good looking he was and that it took her so long to find him. That outsiders were jealous of her relationship,thats why they dont understand why they want to stay together.This was quite weird to hear,but she was always protecting him so much,I dont think it was about fear though, I think she was quite happy to stay with him, even why he was bad to her. He was quite nasty at times and she could have left him. Im not implying all of these types of relationships are the same,and of course people can be in real danger of an abusive partner. But in my friend's case after hearing about it so much over a 6 year period I got a bit sick of it. I tried to offer my help,but it wasnt well recieved. She too was just using me as a sounding board, as someone to moan to when things werent good. But then she would play it all down when she was happy again. I concluded I should just stay out of it, I didnt want to know any more in the end, I changed the subject if she ever mentioned him.She was just taking up my time all for nothing,and it made me really tired and drained listening to it in the end.She would also go on and on about what she wanted to say to him as if I was him,hours of analyizing their arguments,all just to make up with him in the next 2 days.She also expected everyone to accommodate him after telling people he was really horrible.Now we arent friends as I decided to be on my way as we werent really getting on ,had grown apart and didnt have much in common anymore. Im quite glad to leave them to their drama to be honest. Some people are happy in the situations they create sometimes, its best to just leave them to it.Its just another perspective Im offering.

Last edited by Catwoman; December 21st, 2015 at 04:39 PM.
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Old December 21st, 2015, 04:23 PM
Jenna12186 Jenna12186 is offline
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Re: Toxic friendship? Help.

Honestly I think I'm going to tell her everything. How he treats he bad. How I can't watch her kill herself. How I need it to be more equL. How she's been a toxic friend. N the thing is she's bipolar and I just know she's going to get really mad and I may lose her but what can I do? What kind of friendship would it be if I'm sad and stressed all the time? I know she'll say sit behind my back N blame me if we are no longer friends N that's what hurts. That her husband and her situations got so bad she's not her but all she sees is me as the bad guy. N I'm not. I only have 3 friends N she's my only friend I talk to regularly my only good friend so thinking about losing her kills me like losing a sister but I'd what else to do. :-( what would u do? Tell her everything even though the friendship might end? :-( blah.
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Old December 21st, 2015, 04:36 PM
Catwoman Catwoman is offline
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Re: Toxic friendship? Help.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenna12186 View Post
Honestly I think I'm going to tell her everything. How he treats he bad. How I can't watch her kill herself. How I need it to be more equL. How she's been a toxic friend. N the thing is she's bipolar and I just know she's going to get really mad and I may lose her but what can I do? What kind of friendship would it be if I'm sad and stressed all the time? I know she'll say sit behind my back N blame me if we are no longer friends N that's what hurts. That her husband and her situations got so bad she's not her but all she sees is me as the bad guy. N I'm not. I only have 3 friends N she's my only friend I talk to regularly my only good friend so thinking about losing her kills me like losing a sister but I'd what else to do. :-( what would u do? Tell her everything even though the friendship might end? :-( blah.

Depends how many times you have already told her the same thing?, how many years this has been going on?. If you do tell her and the friendship ends well that ok because you were thinking to end it anyway.We cant feel responsible for others,they are old enough to look after themselves,we can only point them in the right direction,whatever they do after that is up to them.
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