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Old September 21st, 2009, 08:18 AM
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The Physical Pain

I am so glad that my BILs wedding came and went. The months leading up to his Big Day were stressful for my husband and I even though we were not a part of the event. My husband was forced to make a very tough decision. In the end he decided it was best if he did not attend his brother's wedding. I was proud of my husband for gathering the courage to stand up to his folks but his decision really upset them. For weeks, they continuously harassed him by leaving mean voicemail messages and threats to cut him out of their lives (which seemed more like a blessing IMO).

Since I have married my husband, I've noticed that my stomach flares up whenever his family tries to stir up trouble. I get about two weeks worth of stomach pains (each time) from the stress. Im surprised that I dont have ulcers yet. If it is not my stomach then it is a series of headaches from minor to extreme. It hurts so bad from all of the problems that they cause which I replay in mind over and over and over. Just recently, with the news that my hubby was the joke at his bro's wedding, my chest began hurting at various moments for about five days. After random tests the doctor cleared me of any heart problems (I am blessed there ). Each scenario with my in-laws results in different aches and pains. The stress gets to me sometimes which leads me to cry at night when everyone is asleep (I dont want my children to see me sad).

Has that ever happened to you? What kinds of aches and pains did you get from the stress caused by your in-laws? How did you overcome the stress?





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Old September 21st, 2009, 08:40 AM
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Re: The Physical Pain

LL, I don't have the extreme situation with the IL's that you have but I used to get physical symptoms too. It didn't start off that way, but as time progressed and problems were left unresolved I did start with the physical symptoms. My stomach would be in an absolute KNOT when it would be time to visit them, with it getting to the point that I was shaking as we approached their house.

I can't even say that I'm completely over it, but something that always helps me across the board helped me with this too. I started imagining "What's the WORST thing that can happen?" Since I'm a very logic-based person, I'd imagine what my foot-in-mouth MIL would say, and I would walk myself through the steps of "So what?" I get caught in the trap of reliving every stupid thing that came out of her mouth, so I started thinking about those things in terms of "That just made HER look like an idiot. I didn't hurt me or my kids." When I think through what the WORST thing is, and realize that it's something I can handle, I relax and the symptoms lessen.

The hardest thing for me was to step back and allow my MIL to make the bed that she now has to lie in. She has alienated (without any help from me) my DH and my kids. As long as I was in the middle running interference, trying to prevent her from alienating anyone, I had the physical symptoms. Once I stepped back and saw the natural progression of her actions taking place, I reached a place of peace and acceptance.

That's not to say that the whole situation doesn't sadden me. But it's not my fault, and it happened despite my best efforts.

Like I said, I don't have the extreme situation that you do. My IL's are more of the annoying types, not evil by any stretch. But anyway, I thought I'd share in case in helped you at all.
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Old September 21st, 2009, 09:52 AM
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Re: The Physical Pain

It's not unusual for stress, especially emotional stress, to have physical symptoms. To be well, you have to address the cause of the stress. The most dangerous stress is the kind that we carry and we can't resolve. I like KayKay's suggestions for dealing with that kind of stress-- she stopped carrying it because she realized it wasn't her burden to carry. Thankfully it worked in her case. I also think that there are times when a cutoff, whether partial or full or temporary or permanent, are necessary for one's wellbeing.

Sometimes figuring that out is a whole 'nother cause of stress though. *sigh*
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Old September 21st, 2009, 11:57 AM
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Re: The Physical Pain

Wow.... I thought it was just meet who felt sick to their stomach when having to be around the in-laws. My stomach is always in a knot. My MIL is always tries to treat me bad in an indirect way so it isn't always easy for me to respond back to her or defend myself so I think I am always stressed out about what is going to come out of the visit this time. And sometimes I feel like she gets away with her satisfaction of treating me like I am not her family but God forbid I treat her that way.
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Old September 21st, 2009, 01:41 PM
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Re: The Physical Pain

I used to become physically nauseated in PMIL's presence , I don't anymore.

Now, I'm just very sad that PMIL, DSD, and I will never have the relationship I thought we could have.
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Old September 21st, 2009, 05:13 PM
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Re: The Physical Pain

Quote:
Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
Like I said, I don't have the extreme situation that you do. My IL's are more of the annoying types, not evil by any stretch.
Yes, lucky you. I'd take annoying in-laws any day. Unfortunately, mine are annoying, mean-spirited, uncivilized, and ignorant. I am saddened that I am related to these people in some way.
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Old September 21st, 2009, 05:18 PM
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Re: The Physical Pain

Quote:
Originally Posted by stressed View Post
Wow.... I thought it was just meet who felt sick to their stomach when having to be around the in-laws. My stomach is always in a knot. My MIL is always tries to treat me bad in an indirect way so it isn't always easy for me to respond back to her or defend myself so I think I am always stressed out about what is going to come out of the visit this time. And sometimes I feel like she gets away with her satisfaction of treating me like I am not her family but God forbid I treat her that way.
No, you are not the only one. Simply just hearing about my in-laws makes my stomach feel like I'm on a rollercoaster. I get so sick. There are days where I have constant pains and I know that it is the stress getting to me. How can it not?

Ive accepted the fact that my in-laws and I will never get along. What I do not understand is how they behave----how they continue to pick at us even though we leave them alone. I have completely cut off communication with them. And for all of this month my husband has been avoiding them yet they continue to call him as if nothing happened [at the wedding]. He is also sick because of them. Currently, my husband has a severe case of the blues.

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Old September 22nd, 2009, 12:30 PM
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Re: The Physical Pain

I feel for you, LL. I never used to believe that stress could have such a physical effect on the body. During the last two years I’ve learned otherwise. No one really knows how bad it feels to have your stomach ‘tied up on knots’ until they’ve lived through it, and I don’t mean the uneasy feeling you get for a few minutes here and there during an uncomfortable moment. I know of the day in and day out 20 lb.-rock-in-your-gut feeling that at certain times, during extremely stressful situations, will send you running to the bathroom. I’ve had gurgling in my stomach (loud enough for anyone close by to hear) become a nightly occurrence that I could only guess was the beginning of an ulcer.

I’ve had heart palpitations come up suddenly, both when a situation became extreme and or just when I would think of a certain situation, or even project about a situation. Recently, they had just started to crop up out of nowhere. (I, too, had these checked out with negative results – “just give up caffeine and try to reduce the stress in your life”” was what I was told….)

This coupled with the emotional stress lead me to lose 70 lbs over the last 20 months or so. (I had lost 30 lbs without even knowing it! It wasn’t until someone asked if I was losing weight did I check it out.) Now in my situation, the weight loss was not a bad thing…I needed to lose the weight, that has been a lifelong struggle…but that’s a topic for another thread!).

My source of stress was/is not my IL’s, rather it was/is my DH’s interaction with my FOO that was and still is the catalyst. In some instances my DH was in the right, in others, I would have to agree with my FOO. This unto itself was/is the cause of many a heated argument between DH and I. I can feel my heart beat faster as I write this.

And you’re not alone with crying at night. ((Hugs)) I feel so sad for you because I feel so sad for me! That’s when my heart hurts.

I don’t know what to tell you about overcoming the stress because I have not managed to get past this yet myself. (When someone asks me about my weight loss – like “how did you lose the weight?” I tell them it was the ‘high-stress’ diet. ) Last year I was going to counseling, and that helped with the emotional stress to some degree. Becoming more physically active has also helped a little. Yeah, and sometimes I punch a pillow at night * really hard *. In my case, though, I think it’s going to take a confrontation between my DH, me, and my FOO to get past this. And that’s going to be really ugly.

I wish you all the best in your journey to find peace. Just know you’re in good company. ((More Hugs))
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Old September 25th, 2009, 06:11 PM
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Re: The Physical Pain

I broke out in hives. Whenever my DH and I would fight, they'd start itching unbearably. My nose too. It was awful.
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Old September 27th, 2009, 09:50 PM
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Angry Re: The Physical Pain

I just would like to thank everyone who has posted to this site...it has been a godsend of support. I have had 24 years of this and today was the last straw! Talk about physical pain...boy to I have stories! What's worse about these types of bullies is the wounding of the soul. Today, dear MIL hung herself big time in an email that she inadvertently sent to me....my husband went ballistic and now believes everything I ever said about these bullies in law. Eventually these bullies implode...keep your chin up girls and let's support each other!
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