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Old November 22nd, 2007, 09:23 PM
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My feelings are sooo hurt

I helped my son and DIL at the church today. I was the only besides one friend, my son and DIL that helped set up for 125 people.

I have given money, time, and oh did I say MONEY?
I ran and picked up food, and oh last minute they needed MORE extension cords, and I was the only one left so I ran and picked up five more 10ft extension cords, and still asked if they needed more things, all because I want them to have their day...which they didn't get last year because of my DIL's mom who was deathly ill. I was there for almost four hours, or a little over. I was supposed to be back over to my DIL's sister's house for turkey day dinner around 6-630PM for dinner or at least a bite to eat. I was to bring soda, but that was only at my insistence that I bring SOMETHING...

I left at around 415PM and went over to my other son's g/f parents house for turkey dinner which was quite ready. I ate and skipped dessert and helped clean up and when I realized that it was 630PM I kept trying to call my other son, and he didn't answer and didn't answer..well he called me back and he just ripped me a new one, I tried to remain calm, and he says I was to bring the soda, and that I was rude and that I was over an hour late and he had offered MANY times to take the soda(we discussed it ONCE! and we decided no, after ONE talk about it that it would be okay for me to bring it) and I apologized, he says I don't "sound very effing sorry" and I said "I know today has been stressful and all but please don't take it out on me and I am tired and I don't feel well myself" as you guys know I tell ya'all time I had brain/neck surgery...well I tell him I am on my way.. so I get there just before 7PM, and I am in tears, because I am not used to my adult kids (he is 23) talking to me this way, and I say to the hosts that I am not feeling well and drop off the cases of soda, and the pumpkin roll (which btw I didn't need to bring, but just trying to be nice) and leave. I don't meet the uncle I am supposed to walk down the aisle for the christening with tomorrow.

I sent a nice email to the hostess and apologize about the soda, and tell her I am sorry that she isn't feeling well and hope she has a better evening, and explain why I was late, send an email to my son and DIL and tell them I sent the email to the DIL's sister with the apology but I am still sick to my stomach and my head/neck hurt.
I bought so much stuff, I paid the caterer, I paid the stipend at the last minute to Father for the renewal of vows/christening tomorrow and I still get yelled at like this??? It was an honest mistake! I would of called and reminded someone or found out if they got lost versus yelling at them.

What is wrong with my son? I feel like I am done! Am I wrong? Are they just stressed?
I actually feel that my son is becoming a real DH, and not a designated hitter, ya know!

Thanks for reading my saga...

Last edited by trixxie; November 22nd, 2007 at 09:26 PM.
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Old November 22nd, 2007, 09:40 PM
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Re: My feelings are sooo hurt

And another thing...I loaned them a phone to use for him to yell at me. He could of used it to call me to remind me instead of yelling at me. They kept losing or breaking phones and I figured they needed one so people could contact them in regards to the event planning.
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Old November 22nd, 2007, 09:48 PM
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Re: My feelings are sooo hurt

You didn't deserve that at all, Trixie. Your son was beyond rude; he was disrespectful. Being under stress might explain his behavior, but it doesn't excuse it.

Get yourself into a peaceful state of mind as best you can. Attend tomorrow's events with the thought that you are a guest so that the other guests will be comfortable. I know many people don't believe in faking it and putting on a show. That's all well and good in private, but not in public. Be the lady you know you are.

Then on Saturday, you can either rip your child a new one or decide you are all done raising him and see how far his world-owes-him attitude takes him.

I'm sorry this happened today. Take care, hon, you know you raised him to be better than this.
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Old November 22nd, 2007, 09:57 PM
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Re: My feelings are sooo hurt

Oh trixxie! I'm so so sorry to hear about this horrible day! ((((((big hugs for trixxie))))))

1dil gave you the advice I think is best. Make it through tomorrow as best as you can.

You did NOT deserve that and your DS owes you a bigtime apology and your DS/DIL owe you a HUGE thank you gift for all of your hard work. But you can't ask for either. Here's hoping they come to their senses.

Hang in there and post back tomorrow after the christening to let us know how it went.

(((more hugs)))
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Old November 22nd, 2007, 09:59 PM
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Re: My feelings are sooo hurt

ditto on what 1dil said

*hugs*
im sorry trix
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Old November 22nd, 2007, 10:06 PM
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Re: My feelings are sooo hurt

what a stressful day for you. Sounds like you just had too much going on for one day... your son should have understood this. sorry you are having a bad day
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Old November 22nd, 2007, 10:41 PM
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Re: My feelings are sooo hurt

I was told that I could speak to the priest before the ceremony...ya know for confessions and the like. Would it be wrong of me to speak to the priest to bring some peace of mind to me about this to speak to the priest about this?

Right or wrong? I am still sick to my stomach. I know I will do right by them for the day.
I don't even know if my DIL knows what he did tonight.
I am supposed to get my make-up done tomorrow and I don't even want to do that. I don't even want to attend this stupid thing. I would only do it for my grand-daughter. Thats the only person and she doesn't even know it at her age.
what should I do? I don't want to do ANYTHING for him. I am so done with him. There isn't anything thank you, nothing. One of the reasons we are really in the financial straits we are in is because my son takes advantage of us, and we have let him. He doesn't care about anyone but himself.

I really don't like him now. I know, I know...wrong answer. I won't even look him in the eye. I know I cannot.

PS~It makes me feel a little better that I am not wrong in feeling this way.
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Old November 22nd, 2007, 11:58 PM
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Re: My feelings are sooo hurt

Trixxie...I am so sorry this happened to you today. You really bent over backwards to help them make today as smooth as possible. You wrote that he's taken advantage of you and DH before, moneywise. Has he always had a bit of temper (maybe just a little milder usually)? Either way, it sounds like you do need to be "done" raising him and bailing him out of every little jam. He's married, he has his own little family, he has to learn responsibility to take care of them. You can't do it forever...it's not right for you and doesn't teach him to really plan properly and stand FIRMLY on his own feet.

Go through tomorrow with the thought that you are doing this for your grandchild. Yes, she won't know tomorrow that you are actually there or not, but years down the line, pictures will show it. Won't you this event saved in the photobook or scrapbook you'll share with your granddaughter many years from now? I love looking at old pictures and talking about old events with my grandma.

Maybe after the event (not the same day, but later), sit down with your son and let him know that you realize he is an adult now and you would realize you shouldn't be mothering him anymore. Of course you are still his mom and you love him, it's just time for him to fully provide for his own family. It's time for you concentrate on being a grandma, not an active mommy.

If this financial abuse bothers you now, please take steps to end it now. I don't know how much he expects for you to do for him. While your son is still kind of young, you can't just assume he'll grow up without a nudge. Afterall, failing builds character, right?

While I have my problems with my IL's, I feel bad for them with how my BIL takes advantage of them. They tell us how much they hate it, but don't take any steps to stop it. Before we were married and my health problems, DH said he also gave BIL thousands that he never expects to see again. Thankfully he doesn't hold a grudge and he stopped enabling. He even tells his own parents that BIL will never learn if they keep saving them.

My BIL is 30 living with his girlfriend who has 2 daughters from relationships. She just had his baby a few months ago. Between family and friends, we all got them everything they needed for the baby, thinking we were helping them since they go caught off guard with this baby. But guess what? They just announced she is pregnant again! Lesson not learned. FIL finally took BIL off his car insurance this past month because he hasn't paid them in a long time. MIL babysits for them because they can't afford to pay anyone. But BIL has a truck that has a payment of over $500...and he has to drive across town to get to work, gobbling up gas. They go out almost every weekend, he only wears name brand clothes, and plenty of other things the scream champagne taste on a beer budget. No savings, so when hiccups happen, as they often do, he needs financial help. MIL and FIL have depleted their savings over the years bailing him out jam after jam. SIL went on WIC. MIL is thinking about buying the $25 a can formula for baby 1 since she doesn't like the one that WIC gives them. She's dreading having to babysit 2 babies in diapers at least 5 days a week (usually weekends, too), but she won't say anything, not to them anyway.

I hope your event does well and you can find a resolution that works best for your family. They sure were lucky to have all of your help today. Your granddaugter is lucky to have such a caring grandma.
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Old November 23rd, 2007, 01:56 AM
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Re: My feelings are sooo hurt

Trixxie I'm so sorry this happened - your son is behaving like a selfish git. It could be because he is stressed (my DH tore strips off me for stupid stuff that is really out of character for him before our wedding). I would say let it go until the wedding & christening is over. Attend, not for them, but for you, because you are better than that, and because you are a lady. (And because it will snowball if you don't go!!). But I understand your sentiments of not wanting to go, I really do. Then afterwards, write them a letter / email with everything you have told us here (including the bit about how your financial position has largely been affected by the help you've wanted to give him), and stand your ground that your son has been rude and unreasonable. You deserve an apology, and thanks for all of your help, not this sort of treatment. They know themselves what a busy time it is, and how easily THEY could be 30 minutes late for something (and you did call to say you would be late) when there is so much going on.

I'm really sorry you've been treated this way Trixxie, and no, you don't deserve it. The only thing you can do is be dignified, hold your head high, do your best not to let things snowball, but let them know you have apologised for being late (and that should have been the end of it really) - and that you expect an apology for the way you have been treated.
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Old November 23rd, 2007, 07:40 AM
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Re: My feelings are sooo hurt

Well, I don't feel much better this morning, but I have to move on.

I cannot let my DIL know what is going on. That I don't need to do. I am doing this for her moreso than my own son. What I cannot stop is the feeling that he didn't even consider any of my feelings in this. And unfortunately I am not the type that can hide my feelings. I wish I could. I will do the very best I can, and not say anything today. I will, I will.

ok...here's hoping for a dose of courage!

Thanks for the voice of support and of reason here.
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