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Other friendships Best friends, ex-friends, or any other friends

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Old November 9th, 2016, 04:09 PM
skmeyers skmeyers is offline
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Loyalty

I have this friend (lets call her Madison) who's been on and off with a guy (we'll call him Dylan) since around March. I've known Madison for about four years, and we were friends because we were both involved in theatre. We weren't really best friends until a little over a year ago when we started hanging out really often, and I love her like a sister (cliche, I know.) Dylan was in theatre too, but he wasn't in the same class as us until last year. Madison and I are no longer in that class because we both graduated high school in May. Anyway, I didn't really interact with Dylan much until we were in the same chemistry class second semester. We became friends but never hung out outside of school until he started dating Madison. At the end of the school year and all summer, the three of us would always hang out together at his place. I got along great with Dylan, but we would never hang out without Madison (largely because she's very possessive of him) whereas Madison and I hung out plenty of times without him. Madison cheated on him a few times, but for most of their relationship he only knew about one incident in which she sexted another guy. He forgave her for it, but would intermittently bring it up because he still held on to anger over it. I knew she made out with her ex, Charlie a couple times, and that she grinded on another guy at a concert we went to, but I never mentioned it to Dylan because I figured that it was none of my business. A couple months ago, Charlie told Dylan that he and Madison had made out, and an ex friend of Madison's also told Dylan about it. They broke up, but still kept talking, hanging out, having sex, and fighting about it. She wanted to get back together, but obviously the trust had been broken. A couple weeks ago, she told me to tell him that Charlie and her ex friend had lied. So when Dylan texted me and asked me, that's what I told him. Lying made me really uncomfortable, especially because he's a nice guy and has never done anything bad to me (not to mention I completely disapproved of the cheating), but I felt like not lying to him would be a betrayal to Madison, whom I have been friends with for longer. In addition, Dylan had never texted me since I'd gone off to college, and when he did, it was only to get information about Madison. He never asked how I was or anything, so I figured he didn't think of me as an actual friend, so why should I owe him my loyalty? A couple days ago, a different ex friend told Dylan about the concert. Only, she said Madison had made out with the guy. I only remember her dancing with the guy, but I was stoned so I may be remembering it wrong. Dylan texted me this morning and said something like "I thought we were friends, why do you keep lying for Madison, etc." I replied that I genuinely don't remember Madison making out with the guy at the concert. I also said, and I quote, "You can't just only ever talk to me when you need something from me and then claim that we're real friends and expect me to prioritize you over Madison." That may have been harsh, but it's true that the only times he's contacted me have been to get information. But now I feel like I've betrayed him, while also feeling like not lying to him would have been a betrayal to Madison. I love Madison, but feel awful for having lied about this, and I'm also sad that I've burned the bridge with Dylan (he never responded so I can only assume he's pissed.) Also, I don't think Madison and Dylan should even be together. They were always going through each other's phones and getting jealous of opposite-gender friends and just had no trust in each other at all. Plus, getting back together based on lies is only going to lead to an unhealthy relationship. But if I ever told Madison this, she's be so mad because her relationship is none of my business (which would be true if she weren't the one involving me in her lies.) Should I tell the truth and apologize to Dylan, or was I right for having lied for my friend?
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Old November 9th, 2016, 04:44 PM
Catwoman Catwoman is offline
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Re: Loyalty

skmeyers

Its hard because you are young but really its better if you surround yourself with more positive, intelligent mature people with better morals. The quicker you understand this concept,you will be leading a better life with better friends going forward,and saving yourself a lot of time and trouble.This friend of yours sounds like trouble,and I wouldnt be lying to people because of her,as they will soon see you as the same type of person.Maybe look for other people to make new friends with and leave this other friend of yours to it,shes going to get herself into an awful lot of trouble in future. If anyone asks you anything about her in future you can say you just dont know,at least that way you are not getting involved in the lies. She sounds like a person that attracts trouble. I would stay out of her nonsense if I were you.

From personal experience,these types of people often lie all the time themselves,be careful your friend is not telling lies about you to other people.I had a friend like this once a long time ago in my teens at high school,liked to have all the boys on and loved the attention she got from them. Years later I found out she was quite horrible about me behind my back,putting me down to them which was a surprise,but she really wasn't a nice person really.In fact she slept with one of my boyfriends so I found out later and with another guy I knew who she said never did to me.She was a liar on all accounts. Not to be trusted. She was also a user,she used me to lie for her,and a place to stay when she needed and then was trash talking me when I didnt know it.It wasnt until one of the guys told me what she said I woke up.....all the time we were best friends.

Last edited by Catwoman; November 9th, 2016 at 05:10 PM.
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Old November 9th, 2016, 05:57 PM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: Loyalty

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Originally Posted by skmeyers View Post
(which would be true if she weren't the one involving me in her lies.) Should I tell the truth and apologize to Dylan, or was I right for having lied for my friend?

While you're worrying about being loyal to Dylan and/or Madison, who is worried about being loyal to you? Are you even being loyal to yourself? Are you a liar? Or are you a trustworthy friend?

Walk away from that whole situation and be true to yourself.
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Old November 9th, 2016, 06:34 PM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: Loyalty

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Originally Posted by skmeyers View Post
I felt like not lying to him would be a betrayal to Madison, whom I have been friends with for longer.
Lying to him was actually a betrayal to Madison. If you were a true friend of hers, you would not enable her cheating on her boyfriend or being involved in relationships built on lies.

Lying to him was a betrayal to Dylan. You were enabling his girlfriend to cheat on him and mess with his emotions trying to get back with him.

Most importantly, lying to him was a betrayal to yourself. You were not comfortable with either the cheating or the lying, or them as a couple which was the result Madison hoped for with the lie, but you did it anyway.

You should probably apologize to Dylan if your conscience is bothering you, but don't get involved any further. Just tell him you are sorry for the choices that you made and accept that the bridges are burned.
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