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Old May 27th, 2016, 05:38 PM
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Difficult friends becoming more distant, not interested.

So lately I have had an experience where I think my friend has avoided me because she cant be bothered telling me her decision.

I have a very good friend I have known for about 12 years.A friend good enough that I trusted to look after my home with her sister I know equally as well for a few weeks while we went on holiday recently and someone that I send time with on a regular basis every couple of months due to our lives being busy etc.

So in the last 2 weeks myself and my husband decided to update our wills.We asked this friend if she would like to be included as a "backup" guardian to our children if the other person who is happily going to be the first choice should anything happen to myself or my husband before our kids are 18.The will asks you to write down 2 people as 1) Guardian 2) Backup guardian.Our boys are currently 15 and 11.I told her that it was quite unlikely that our kids would be left without a surviving parent,but in that event we have to have a plan in place.I said the kids would be going to live with the other person we named in the first instance,she knows them too.I also asked if her sister that we know well would mind being a signing witness to the will as I need 2 people as witnesses not mentioned in the will?.I would just get one more witness then.

She came over and we discussed it,and I said that she would only be called upon if the other person could not do it,which its also unlikely they wouldnt be able to as they are well established and were very happy to do it.I said to my friend if she didnt want to that was fine but please just let me know as soon as possible. We then went out to lunch and had a lovely day shopping as we normally do when we spend time together.
She said she wanted to think about it and get back to me in 1 weeks time ans seemed hesitant.I said that fine,but I did want to get going on getting the wills made up.

I actually sensed she wasnt really wanting to do it as she said things like what if she left the country?,so I text her the next day to say it was absolutely fine if she decided no,that there was no pressure,but just let me know if it was a no as soon as she knew how she felt.It was to give her an out really,as I felt like Id made an error even asking her to be honest.She said she would get back to me in a few days time.

So now 2 weeks have passed and Ive heard nothing.I actually know what the answer is which is no,but I feel she could have just told me she doesnt want to do it,which would have been fine.Ive been expecting a no phone call.Hubby and I have decided to just go with the person who first said they would be guardian anyway as they are a really better choice of person.

On the other hand its really made me open my eyes to reality and that she probably wasnt a good choice in the long run.In actual fact shes a very non committal person who has ambled her way through life never committing to anything much,never marrying,never even owning a home,or staying with one partner long term at the age of 58,shes still flatting.Shes got involved in a church over the last 12 years where most of her time is taken up there with her sister doing voluntary work for strangers,and having endless bible studies every week. Its a very off the path church with very strange beliefs,that are very strict also. She says that God is making all her decisions for her,and that she will do something if God tells her to.Shes told me she has to discuss personal decisions with her church pastor when she needs an answer. Im not knocking religion,each to their own,but I think my friend has found a way to pass her life decision making onto someone else in this way becoming so religious, and being involved in this particular church.Shes a very wishy washy person now.

I know its a big decision for someone but, I think she could have just text me or phoned to say sorry but Ive decided against doing it,I dont even need a reason just a decision would be good. But I think shes just avoided me altogether,which I think is irresponsible to be honest. Im not upset at the fact she doesnt want to do this,but shes just put it on the back burner and more interested in her church environment I think.Her and her sister spend most of their time with these people with little friends outside of this circle.

It think I had a moment of clarity to show me I really did make a wrong choice to even ask her at all.That Id chosen a person that is not stable or capable of making important decisions.I was surprised by her revelations about her decision making on the day we went out.She seems more fanatical than ever about her beliefs now.I dont think I would want my kids involved in this religion if she were to look after them to be honest.

Oh well we live and learn,just wished I hadnt asked her at all now,it was a mistake now I know.I guess I should have known better.

Last edited by Catwoman; May 27th, 2016 at 08:23 PM.
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Old May 27th, 2016, 05:47 PM
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Re: Difficult friends becoming more distant, not interested.

This is a hard one.

You know that she doesn't make commitments, so yes, this was a bad choice on your part.

Understand that she, too, took a risk and revealed something about her that you did not know before, and you judged her on it. For those who don't carry a sense of mission, living by faith is hard to understand, but try not to judge her. Don't let her think she made a mistake in trusting you.

Rather than write her off, just call her and apologize for putting her in an awkward position and invite her to lunch or something.
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Old May 27th, 2016, 05:51 PM
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Re: Difficult friends becoming more distant, not interested.

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Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt View Post
This is a hard one.

You know that she doesn't make commitments, so yes, this was a bad choice on your part.

Understand that she, too, took a risk and revealed something about her that you did not know before, and you judged her on it. For those who don't carry a sense of mission, living by faith is hard to understand, but try not to judge her. Don't let her think she made a mistake in trusting you.

Rather than write her off, just call her and apologize for putting her in an awkward position and invite her to lunch or something.

Im not going to call her Im just going to leave it, I realise it was a mistake to ask her at all. Sometimes mistakes teach us more about something,than if we hadnt made one.Shes an adult and could have said no which I told her she could say, I gave her a couple of chances to turn me down, Id be happy with a text even. I think shes more involved in her environment and her friends which she now prefers so I will leave her to it.I dont have anything to apologise for I dont think. Shes just putting off talking to me as its something she wont have to deal with,shes like that alot with some stuff in the past.Its more evidence to me shes less interested in outsiders. Her church is quite controlling and strict, encouraging its followers to limit their time to other church members only,and duties they are asked to do within it.Shes quite happy to do hours of work for strangers with no pay I noticed,driving miles away from home doing whatever she is asked by her church.I only asked her as I thought she was a good person with a good heart,that I thought a lot of. I should have known really as its quite hard to book time with her,sometimes she doesnt even answer texts,I only text her once every couple of months,and it has to be on days she not busy at church Ive noticed, she never asks when it would be suitable for me?.I think I realise now Im the one making the effort.I think she belongs to her group,and thats just fine,shes choosing to spend less time outside of her faith,so maybe I back off trying to make time to see her.But yes I shouldnt have asked her I know.....but I now know she was not meant to be in my plans afterall.....I dont normally ask anyone for anything really....if I could go back I wouldnt have asked her at all...... I feel so stupid for asking to be honest.

Last edited by Catwoman; May 27th, 2016 at 08:28 PM.
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Old May 27th, 2016, 08:37 PM
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Re: Difficult friends becoming more distant, not interested.

Possibly she's torn because she feels the "right" thing to do (in the eyes of you, her friend, and the eyes of her fellow church goers) would have been to say yes, but she knew that she was a poor choice. So she didn't want to say "no" because she didn't want to be a bad person, but she also didn't want to say "yes" because she knew that was wrong too. So she said nothing.

This is how my DH often operates, tbh.


Or, maybe she hadn't gotten an answer from her pastor yet. Either way, it worked out better for you in the long run.
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Old May 27th, 2016, 08:51 PM
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Re: Difficult friends becoming more distant, not interested.

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Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
Possibly she's torn because she feels the "right" thing to do (in the eyes of you, her friend, and the eyes of her fellow church goers) would have been to say yes, but she knew that she was a poor choice. So she didn't want to say "no" because she didn't want to be a bad person, but she also didn't want to say "yes" because she knew that was wrong too. So she said nothing.

This is how my DH often operates, tbh.


Or, maybe she hadn't gotten an answer from her pastor yet. Either way, it worked out better for you in the long run.

I agree KayKay and you raise some interesting points.I also dont think I have placed pressure on her, I even told her she could tell me no and that would be quite ok.She sees her church people for half of the week,and is around them most of the time.

If she does happen to say yes I will just say that we have decided to keep it simple and go with the first person,but thank you. Im pretty sure I wont hear from her though. I just thought she could even send a single text saying "Thanks for considering me,but Im sorry I dont feel Im right for the job"...or something like that......shes a real procrastinator,and very airy fairy now.


This has been a learning curve. I was a bit silly to consider her in the first place really,what was I thinking?.Oh well at least I know now....

An example of her dodging stuff is when her boyfriend of 6 years decided he was moving overseas a few years ago.He told her of his plans one month before leaving.He didnt ask her to join him,he just said he was going.She didnt want him to go,but didnt want to bring the subject up either.So they went to the airport and said goodbye to each other,both not saying a word about the obvious breakup.She was upset about it and even went to visit him there when he had a new girlfriend too......she never sat with him and talked about anything she told me....she said she prayed to God to sort it for her,and would accept whatever happened......then she wasnt happy once he'd gone.???....she says she now leaves all her decision making in the hands of God and that he will tell her what to do about anything.


Not really a good person to leave important decisions to I can now see.

I really should have known better.

Last edited by Catwoman; May 27th, 2016 at 09:37 PM.
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Old June 11th, 2016, 08:40 PM
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Re: Difficult friends becoming more distant, not interested.

So just a little update on this one.Well its been a month since I last saw this friend who said she would phone or text me regarding our discussion. I have heard absolutely nothing. Not even one text,which would have been fine.

Today I went with my family to a mall and we walked past a shop where she was working,shes sometimes there,but not every day. I saw her in there today,not sure if she saw us from outside, but we just kept on walking. I just felt like well if you cant even call or text,then I wont bother either.She might have seen us as we were the only people walking past....I usually go in there and have a quick chat and hello if I'm going past....I didnt feel I wanted today.

I just really realised that she is quite a self serving person who really only lives her life for pleasing herself. Often late to everything. I'm the one who has made most of the effort to meet up to shopping trips or lunch etc.Last time she didnt even answer me at first.....only on the second time on the second text a week later.

I wont be horrible to her if I do bump into her,I will be pleasant and just talk about the weather,but I wont be making any effort in future beyond that. If she is going to be like that to me,well I can be less bothered.

Interestingly she has said things just never happened for her in life.I think shes expected these things to just happen without much effort or planning.I always used to feel a bit sorry for her,that she never found a partner to settle with etc,never marring by 58.....you have to make an effort to make things happen really but I dont think she thinks that way?....she said her life is in God's hands...oh well up to her I suppose.....I have learnt she has been involved in a very cult like religion,that seeks to exclude its people from the outside world,shes never told me....but google is a great thing....its a very off the path church,that keeps its people brainwashed and controlled by a doomsday/ apocalypse format.....it could be a reason she is more distant....if anything its made her worse.... I feel quite sorry for her really.

In no way am I upset at her for not wanting to be involved in what I asked her about,Im just offended at her not even bothering to let me know,which she said she would do,we have known each other for the past 12 years......I do think its a blessing in disguise its turned out this way......I did make a mistake to ask her, I made a mistake to think I could trust her and that she would even be remotely interested anyway,we used to exchange bday gifts and xmas presents,thats how close to my kids she was....perhaps shes not that into our friendship now?, I dont think we are that connected as we used to be.We were quite good friends once....she also spends most of her time at bible study or with her church friends,she will only meet up if it doesnt interfere with her week,we also dont really share common interests I discovered...oh well......people do move on and change direction,and friendships dont stay the same forever....we live and learn.Im mostly disappointed in myself for not realising this idea of mine was pretty bad to start with.

Im not really sorry its fading out....I wont be bothering to contact her for anything now.

Last edited by Catwoman; June 11th, 2016 at 10:08 PM.
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Old June 11th, 2016, 11:39 PM
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Re: Difficult friends becoming more distant, not interested.

Glad you're feeling good about it. These friendship things can be painful sometimes!
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Old June 12th, 2016, 12:17 PM
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Re: Difficult friends becoming more distant, not interested.

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Glad you're feeling good about it. These friendship things can be painful sometimes!

Thanks.....yes Im ok.....I guess what happened has just shown me a few things really. More of a realistic view of who she really is.Of all things I think it means we arent as close as we once were,that she really isnt meant to be in my will, and that shes better off with her church friends,however dangerous her religion may be,she may find her beliefs start to destroy her friendships outside of her church,but she may not realise it till its too late.There cant be anything good in a faith that teaches people to be exclusive from non believers,to judge other religions and to think you are above all others because you are actually better?. One that also follows weird teachings on top of all of that.I dont think its even a normal environment really.She doesnt make a lot of sense when she talks really....Im happy not to bother any more with her.Will be interesting if she tries to contact me in a few months time when it suits her?.Im considering just telling her I think shes better off with her church friends as they are the people she belongs with, if she does.

I respect people can believe different stuff,but sometimes there are clashes.I have trouble talking with her now,shes so wishy washy and vague without much opinion on anything.....its all because of what faith she is involved in,its not a good one....I thought about possibly telling her to be careful about what shes involved in,but after 12 years I think shes too far gone,so no point....her life in the end.

Last edited by Catwoman; June 12th, 2016 at 03:07 PM.
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Old June 12th, 2016, 05:53 PM
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Re: Difficult friends becoming more distant, not interested.

I'm sorry your friend let you down and didn't have the guts or even respect to be upfront with you in giving an answer.

I'm going to be the devil's advocate just to consider another perspective. Just some thoughts.

I totally agree with what was posted earlier that she likely didn't want to tell you no to your face because she's knew it may disappoint you, and you might look at her in a different way from then on. Which is pretty much what happened BUT it was mainly because she avoided you and giving you a direct answer. This brings me to a point that I have noticed that a good many people do not like to have a more direct communication, especially on things that can be uncomfortable. There are some people that would rather avoid and let a thing die down than have and honest face to face.

She's a woman of a certain age, who is childless and also without a mortgage - well those are her choices. It's hard for me to understand that - but hey, it's her life. I can kind of look at that and see that she values a kind of freedom that parenting, home-ownership and the like don't afford. One isn't necessarily better than the other, just different. She has become accustomed to a certain lifestyle. She chooses to "give back" by helping strangers you said, rather than give back by being someone's [potential] caregiver/guardian.

I remember reading somewhere that a counselor advised a person in a similar situation as you placed your friend. This person was reluctant to agree to guardianship, and not interested in raising kids, though they loved the friend & the kids. The counselor suggested that the reluctant guardian tell the friend that they could not be the primary guardian BUT assure them that they would make sure that the children we placed with the right family member and always actively look in on them, and take care of them if the first family member didn't work out until another suitable guardian was found. I thought that was a nice compromise.

This is such an emotional thing - we parents are so attached to our kids and invested in their safety and well-being. It's so hard to "feel" resistance from someone who we have in our friend or fam circle - but they don't have the parental instinct like we do. Then it's also hard to look at a church-goer, who does charity work and not get them interested in doing a charitable thing for us.

I am glad you have come to feel better about this. It would be so nice if maybe you and she could get back to friendly terms.
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Old June 12th, 2016, 06:40 PM
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Re: Difficult friends becoming more distant, not interested.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PeeWeeMomOf3 View Post
I'm sorry your friend let you down and didn't have the guts or even respect to be upfront with you in giving an answer.

I'm going to be the devil's advocate just to consider another perspective. Just some thoughts.

I totally agree with what was posted earlier that she likely didn't want to tell you no to your face because she's knew it may disappoint you, and you might look at her in a different way from then on. Which is pretty much what happened BUT it was mainly because she avoided you and giving you a direct answer. This brings me to a point that I have noticed that a good many people do not like to have a more direct communication, especially on things that can be uncomfortable. There are some people that would rather avoid and let a thing die down than have and honest face to face.

She's a woman of a certain age, who is childless and also without a mortgage - well those are her choices. It's hard for me to understand that - but hey, it's her life. I can kind of look at that and see that she values a kind of freedom that parenting, home-ownership and the like don't afford. One isn't necessarily better than the other, just different. She has become accustomed to a certain lifestyle. She chooses to "give back" by helping strangers you said, rather than give back by being someone's [potential] caregiver/guardian.

I remember reading somewhere that a counselor advised a person in a similar situation as you placed your friend. This person was reluctant to agree to guardianship, and not interested in raising kids, though they loved the friend & the kids. The counselor suggested that the reluctant guardian tell the friend that they could not be the primary guardian BUT assure them that they would make sure that the children we placed with the right family member and always actively look in on them, and take care of them if the first family member didn't work out until another suitable guardian was found. I thought that was a nice compromise.

This is such an emotional thing - we parents are so attached to our kids and invested in their safety and well-being. It's so hard to "feel" resistance from someone who we have in our friend or fam circle - but they don't have the parental instinct like we do. Then it's also hard to look at a church-goer, who does charity work and not get them interested in doing a charitable thing for us.

I am glad you have come to feel better about this. It would be so nice if maybe you and she could get back to friendly terms.

Thanks for your insight, your points do make a lot of sense.To be totally honest Im really not hurt she didnt want to be a guardian,because I do know deep down that although she is a nice person,shes really not the kind that has ever committed to anything or anyone and has a history of dodging issues and people in her life. So not fit for the job anyway.

I honestly wouldnt have been hurt by her saying she couldnt do the job if she had just said it wasnt for her concerning her life choices etc.I knew when she drove away what the answer was so thats not a surprise. Im just a bit annoyed that she could not even find it in herself to even send a text to let me know,which she said she would do.In this day and age there are many ways to send a message to someone even if you dont want to face them.Ironically I bought her a new mobile phone as a gift at Xmas lol.!! Its a deliberate avoidance.By choosing to say nothing and avoid it, is just quite rude. I am a bit surprised that she chose to do it this way as we have known each other a long time.I also had the other person who was guardian #1 in the first instance anyway,so she wasnt even likely to be ever called upon.I just think she didnt want any part of it,which is fine,but she should have just said so. I would have respected her just telling me at least.....but now I dont have much respect for her now really.....Ive lost my interest in her,although I would be polite if we met up say while out and about,but that is all really.Historically she only contacts you when she feels like it or is free,sometimes she doesnt even answer a text,she has done this to other people too as I have been told....so she borders on selfish really....next time I am contacted when she's ready to see me,I think I will just tell her I'm a bit too busy.If I am asked I will tell her Im just annoyed at her not even letting me know and thats its not about her decision not to say yes.

We have all had difficult instances where we dont want to face something or someone,I know whats its like to even end friendships that were tough decisions to make,but even if I havent had a face to face,I have at least sent a message about what my intentions are. I have at least either phoned,texted or private messaged/emailed the person and let them know my decision,so we know where we both stand.

I think getting involved in religion has made it worse for her in her life,as she really thinks now that someone else is in charge of her life and decisions,instead of facing things herself..so did her God tell her to just leave it and not do what she was supposed to do,and just forget about it lol?...hmmm they need a lesson in morals then lol......but again her choice.

There will be maybe other times I will see her in another circle and Im ready for that,I will be diplomatic and have my smile on and be nice....but I wont be making plans to meet up in future.

Last edited by Catwoman; June 12th, 2016 at 07:57 PM.
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