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Old December 6th, 2017, 11:46 PM
Jay21 Jay21 is offline
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Can't take much more

I will try to make this quick and easy.
I'm a stepdad. Two great kids, I've been with them since 18 months and birth, 11 and 13 now. So I'm as close to a live in dad as they know. They're bio dad is in picture but lives across the state. He sees them a few times a yr at increasing amounts of time.
To be honest I cannot blame the kids for much, Mom doesn't seem to support me the way she should. IMO, for what it's worth. I am nowhere near a great dad but I do what I think is right trying to enstil disapline and responsibility. Nothing crazy ie. pick up after yourself. World seems to be too difficult for mom most of the time. She sets bad examples doesn't back me up on much. Always wants to play instead of being financially responsible. I gave up trying to get upset yrs ago, it went nowhere. She shuts down. I can't expect the kids to do anything mom won't. I can't stand the idea of the kids not being here everyday, they've become my main purpose. I am not sure how much longer I can hang in here though. Once again I am nowhere near perfect, I've been told I become condescending when I get mad. Could be true. I'm not a neat freak just tired of only needing to clean for company. I need to pay off bills so I can breathe. This is difficult to do by myself.
I was always determined not to get a divorce, seeing what it was like growing up w/o Dad. I've been alone in my relationship for along time. Every day now I am killing myself internally dealing with this.
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Old December 7th, 2017, 05:33 AM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: Can't take much more

I'm very sorry, Jay21.

IMO, divorce doesn't resolve problems, it just exchanges one set of problems for another.

Have you tried to marriage and family counseling? Even if you go by yourself, you may learn new ways of dealing with conflict. As you change and grow, your family may change with you.
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Old December 7th, 2017, 08:31 AM
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Re: Can't take much more

Counseling is an option - probably the best option you and your wife have at this moment in time.

Your situation would make any man depressed. Don't lose hope and don't stop trying. No one is perfect so don't beat yourself up over it. Try to work on not being condescending if you can. Being that way can be extremely hurtful, will cause more resentment than you will ever know. It's another form of control. Choose you battles carefully with the kids and your wife. A little slack for the kids never hurts, but they live in your house and it's your rules. They have responsibilities too. They live there - they help. Of course, I've given my kids plenty of slack (kids are kids). I'm not going to lose my cool because they didn't make their bed or dump the trash. What's the point in losing your cool over an unmade bed or trash not emptied? I always told them: "You get what you give." Drove them crazy, but I've heard them say the same thing.

Your wife is another story. Counseling is the best I can suggest. Keep trying to communicate your feelings and see if there is something she would like from you. This frustration (probably for both of you) has been piling up in layers for several years. That's what happens... One doesn't feel like they can communicate to the other so the resentment and frustration just piles up layer after layer until finally one or both give up. You're the man. You get the blunt of it, but you're the one who should be the Rock. If you're the one managing the finances and you know you're sinking. You're the one what needs to cancel the cards and live within the family budget.

Here's what worked for me. My wife loves to shop. So what she makes - she keeps. Initially she was opposed to it, but then she realized it was a pretty good deal. The only downfall was if she used credit cards, she had to pay them (I don't use credit cards very often - If I do I pay the charge off ASAP). Our finances have never been better. It won't work for everyone, but it's an idea. Of course I pay myself a little too.

Keep trying to communicate with your wife. Don't get angry with her - you already said she clams up. You're probably going to have to do some changes in your behavior too. Don't think you can't change because you can.

I do hope for the best for you and your family. Keep us posted if you would.
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