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Old November 11th, 2017, 09:42 PM
ahuenpa3G ahuenpa3G is offline
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Unhappy Sister and mom still living with me after trauma

Hello everyone.

This is a really tough situation. In January of this year my mom found out my dad had been cheating on her, and that he got his own apartment behind her back. He had been planning this for months, even over the holidays, which he pretended to enjoy with us.
My sister and I are their only kids. We're both in our late twenties and have been living together as roommates the last couple years. Unfortunately my father played favorites and he always picked on my sister. Despite that, I'd always thought my parents would stick it out after being married 27 years. They'd bicker but they were friends, and I wanted a relationship like that for myself.
Fast forward to present day. Mom has been living with me since January, and I pay for her. She got her first job in July since marrying my father, which she's nervous about keeping as she hasn't been in the workforce in forever. She's nervous about finding a man and jokes(?) about finding one who will take care of her. When I bring up the idea of her getting a second job because she's not making enough, she always says, "But I'm getting close to 60 and I'm tired."
A month ago she stayed up drinking and partying at my uncle's (her brother's) house until 8 am. I don't think being tired is a valid argument.
She smokes e-cigarettes and somehow always has money for them. Even when I tell her they aggravate me and I don't want them in the house, she just apologizes but doesn't do anything. She is incredibly vibrant and able-bodied, and people really like her, but she enjoys television and sitting down.
At this point, I think she is being lazy and selfish, but then I turn around and she has dinner made, or she's cleaning the kitchen, or she's bought some groceries that we need (usually with my card, but still, it helps that I don't have to). She's also said she is not my responsibility and that she would move in with my grandmother (who actually stalks her every day. Not joking, she'll show up at my house often, uninvited, and my dogs will bark and hell will break loose). I do not relish the idea of her moving in with her overbearing mother. My grandmother only cares about what she's doing when my grandmother has no plans with her friends.

The other problem is: the house I'm renting is being sold out from under me. The owners did not tell me the house was on the market; I found out and immediately scrambled to buy my first home. I told my mom and sister they could move in with me and now I'm just feeling awful about it, because I crave my alone time but don't want to abandon them like my father did, and I have ample finances to cover everyone. But my inner voice keeps telling me that I shouldn't have to. I do not envy their dependence, or willingness to be dependent, in the slightest.
Anyway. I think I'm just making all this my own problem. I am the breadwinner, doing what I love for a living. I also pay for my sister's rent/food/utilities because she also lives here and is saving up for school/an apartment of her own. It is very stressful, and I have worked incredibly hard to get where I am, only to be disappointed that I am not yet living alone. What should I do? These are both my best friends and support system after this trauma, but I need to let them know that my solitude is slipping away from me and it's painful.
To top it off, my father is just gone from our lives, and only contacted my sister and I on Fathers Day, since we didn't message him, to tell us he still loved us and that he was "doing okay". He did not inquire as to how we were coping. We haven't heard a word from him since. He also, allegedly, has been telling people around the city that his daughters have shunned him. He has been buying new phones, new vehicles, new clothes, and essentially filling whatever void he has in that cold shell of a body with material possessions.

I wouldn't wish that feeling of being thrown away and then used as a personal sob story on any person in the world.

Thank you so much for reading. I have yet to meet anyone in a similar circumstance and I would appreciate some advice. My mom and sister really do mean the world to me and I am horrible at communication.
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Old November 11th, 2017, 11:22 PM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: Sister and mom still living with me after trauma

First and foremost, my applause for being a strong young woman and forging ahead with life.

I'm not sure what I think about your sister. She sounds like she doesn't intend to live with you forever, but is finding comfort in being with you and your mom. I think that might be secondary.

My first thought is that your mom needs to seek counseling. I'm sure the upheaval she went through was emotionally traumatic. She sounds scared, overwhelmed, and maybe even a little depressed. I am glad she is acknowledging that she is not your problem. The question is... is she doing something to move forward and solve her own problems?

My second thought is that you, as someone who needs solitude, needs to find ways to get it. That could be anything from going out for a jog daily, weekend retreats, an afternoon at the library, a movie marathon in your bedroom with headphones. Be selfish about that! There is a reason that airline safety instructions say to put your own oxygen mask on first and then help others.

Your dad... well, there's probably a long history of reasons your relationship is how it is. That, I think, just requires patience. Don't worry about what he's telling people around town. They see what's going on and probably think to themselves that they don't blame y'all for shunning him.

The only advice I have to offer is to not make any decisions during the holidays if you can help it. It's a stressful time and there will be lots of raw feelings about this time last year comparisons while social media shows the "Norman Rockwell" images of your friends and acquaintances.

You have a really good handle on your own needs and understand the dilemma/self sacrifice of caring for and wanting to help your mom and sister, and how it affects you. I'm afraid I don't really have any great advice because you have a good head on your shoulders and I know you can figure it out. We at the forum are very willing to listen and be a sounding board though.
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Old November 12th, 2017, 02:54 PM
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snafu snafu is offline
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Re: Sister and mom still living with me after trauma

First off, ((hugs))

How long has your mom been living with you?

Is she making plans to move on/out?

Your mom is an adult, IF she wants to move to your grandma's let her. IMO you should not be "parenting" your mom.

From what little you posted, it sounds as if you may be a "rescuer"
once burned, twice shy

He who ignores history is condemed to repeat it!
(it also means you weren't smart enough to learn from your mistakes )
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dependency, divorce, mom, moving

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