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Old February 24th, 2014, 02:22 AM
dizzywife dizzywife is offline
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General thoughts need about my mum (bit long, slight rant)

I'm new here and don't have many impartial people to talk to so need some thoughts about a couple of situations relating to my mum.

Theres mum (66), dad (85), me (39) and brother (36). I'm close to mum and dad and fairly close to my bro who lives at the other end of the country. He is not as close to our parents and they're all a bit distant (he left at 16 to go into the army and never moved back, he rings them once a month or so). Dad has been diagnosed with prostrate cancer and doesn't have too long left. Mum is obviously still in her prime and looks after my dad who at times can be a feisty opinionated devil and at others is very vulnerable, frail and confused. I love them both dearly however as the years have gone by i've realised how much money means to my mum, along with possessions and status (DH calls her Hyacinth. If you're in the UK, you'll know 'keeping up appearances' if you're not, you should youtube it and you'll get the picture).

Anyhow, recently my dad has talked about offering my bro some money (got his first flat, GF is struggling to make ends meet, tho bro is ok). Its probably a couple hundred pounds but I don't know. Dad mentioned the other day that he'd offered my bro the money and he'd turned it down (i can believe), he then went on to say that my bro then asked my mum for it and she said she'd transfer it over that day. Dad was understandably upset because he couldn't understand why he wouldn't take it off him and he never called to say thanks. My spidey sense kicked in and I'm 95% sure that my mother has pretended my bro wanted it and has pocketed it herself, hence my bro not taking it from my dad, nor thanking him for it. They've always had their own money and my mum likes to be spoiled, she likes to feel special and wanted and loves it when my dad buys her something. She always tells me how much something has cost (using the full price cost and not the sale price she paid). She stopped talking to me once because she wanted money for mother's day. We were a little short that month so I popped 10 in a card and gave her a plant. She was crying down the phone on mothers day and my dad was upset for her. It didn't matter that I bought her a coat the previous Christmas that cost 80 and she was very grateful.

So, I toyed with the idea of asking bro if he'd been offered money and see where it went but then i'd have to explain why I was asking, so I mentioned to mum how disappointed I was when dad told me his version and that dad is extremely hurt that its gone this way. She said 'oh you know what the pair of them are like'. When I said I was thinking of mentioning it to my bro, she said whispering 'oh you keep out of it' (nicely). I'm suspicious and its bugging me big style. I want to know and if its true I want her to know about it but I don't want my dad feeling like mum's betrayed him. I'm sad for my dad cos he thinks bro is uncaring and i'm sad for my bro cos he doesn't realised he's been used for ill gotten gains.

What to do?
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Old February 24th, 2014, 04:28 AM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: General thoughts need about my mum (bit long, slight rant)

There's an Inuit proverb, "When you know, what will you do?"

In this case, there is nothing you can do except let it go. The truth will come out if anyone really wants to know. Your dad probably already suspects deep in his heart.

But stay alert. Your mum basically committed fraud to cover her theft. Protect your own assets.
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Old February 24th, 2014, 06:19 AM
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Re: General thoughts need about my mum (bit long, slight rant)

I agree that I wouldn't say anything to your dad, and you've already let your mom know that you suspect her.

I don't think it's fair that your brother is being taken advantage of though. What do you think he would do if he found out? He might not know to be wary of your mother.

I have been in a situation with greedy coheirs. It's not the "money" so much as it is the hurt when a loved one passes and other people are willing to cheat and dishonor the loved one's wishes. You see a really ugly side of people when it comes to inherited money.

If it were me, I'd probably ask my brother why he turned down the money just to get a feel of whether or not he is aware of what your mom did. I wouldn't mention the part about your mom. I'd also let my mom know that I was asking.

And while your dad is alive, get a clear understanding from him of what he wants done with his assets when he passes. Make sure he has a will and there is a solicitor who knows what to do.
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Old February 24th, 2014, 08:39 AM
dizzywife dizzywife is offline
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Re: General thoughts need about my mum (bit long, slight rant)

I'm not sure how he'd react tbh, I'm hoping my mum is panicking now but it also makes me wonder if she's done it before. Dad doesn't have a will, they've always talked about everything being left to the other which of course is right. DH also calls her 'grabby' which is true and it's annoying me that if guilty she's gotten away with it and taken advantage of a gesture which could've assisted in bringing my dad and bro a bit closer (possibly) but at the moment its only making my dad annoyed with him when he may have done nothing wrong.
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Old February 24th, 2014, 08:52 AM
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Re: General thoughts need about my mum (bit long, slight rant)

I'd have to get the situation straight in my head, and would definitely talk to my brother about it. I'd just cope with any ensuing fall-out.

They way KayKay approached it was nice.
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