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Old May 15th, 2016, 05:33 PM
bobbimittens bobbimittens is offline
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Brother-in-law is a plague. Help.

This week marks one year since my husband’s brother began to cause massive problems for our family.
A few years ago my husband and his brother, Pete, bought a two family home to renovate together. Only the first floor was habitable as the place had been vacant for almost 10 years, Pete decided to ask his girlfriend to move in with them- 1st mistake. So my husband, Dave, committed to living upstairs and with me part-time during the construction... Then the news came, Pete's girlfriend is pregnant.
We assumed Pete would move his new family to a safe new home or apt, but no.
10 months later our beautiful niece arrives.
Pete and his girlfriend start going through the motions, meanwhile Dave is living with me full-time so the new parents can have some space while I am busy with managing a business and working full time.
Fast forward 16 months Pete and his girlfriend have grown further apart and he confides that the relationship is not going well -though in hindsight I do not believe he cared.
So here's where things go downhill, but let me fill you in on how I'm about to be directed involved...
The manager of my full time job and her husband recently become clients of my part time personal business; I start to recognize she seems a bet stressed with the responsibilities of balancing her work and life- or so I thought.
Long story short and in a major dramatic plot twist it turns out she was having an affair with Pete. Gut punching for everyone.
As the truth comes to the surface Pete packs up his things and abandons his child and girlfriend at the mid-renovation home. So Dave and I decide to move into the two-family renovation fulltime and come to an agreement that Pete will pay half the cost of the home as "child support" about $400/month and his ex can stay until she finds her own place. This means that Dave and I are living in the construction site upstairs while paying for the entire house cost. That was one year ago and since then Pete only throws us money $100 at a time every month if we’re lucky- note he actually makes more money than Dave and I combined (I should know I do his taxes for him); he has also fallen into a deep addiction problem including alcohol, adderall, gambling and is obsessed with his still not divorced girlfriend. Pete NEVER sees his daughter makes every excuse not to see her and we have caught him lying about having to work only to be found with his girlfriend out drinking or on dates. I had to leave my job because the girlfriend/manager would complain to Pete about me personally/professionally and he felt the need to ask his brother, Dave-my husband, to correct my behavior. On top of leaving my job I lost a majority of friends who did not find his deadbeat behavior to be a problem, because we are all younger folks most of who do not have kids and every reason to party. Anyways everyday or at least multiple times a week we have been metabolizing gut punch after gut punch while supporting his child and ex.
Through all of this Dave and I have been supportive of him and continue to tell him when he is ready we are here for him.
The reason I'm choosing to reach out now is after all the support and encouragement a couple nights ago Pete asked Dave to go out with him, his girlfriend and her two friends while insinuating Dave should hookup with one of the friends. He came home, we have a great relationship and he is committed to me but... We are massively insulted. Dave AND I have spent every dollar we have, all of our time, energy and more to support him. Without physically assaulting Pete we have no idea what to do to make this situation better before we go bankrupt and don't want to lose a brother. Help please.
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Old May 15th, 2016, 07:09 PM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: Brother-in-law is a plague. Help.

Yikes. Are any of the agreements with Pete in writing? Do you have contracts for the financial commitments for the home purchase, the renovation costs, etc? Do you have a contract or just a handshake for the $400/month deal?

There are two separate issues. One is the house. The other is the child. Pete's ex needs to go to a lawyer and court to get the $400 every month. It needs to be an enforceable court order, so Pete has to pay or risk jail and you and your husband aren't in the middle. Then you need to sign a lease with her for her rent, an enforceable legal agreement (which you can choose to be lenient on if you sense she is struggling or your niece would be homeless without).

Pete is getting away with this because no one is holding his feet to his fire. Your niece is lucky that you and your husband care about her, because her dad sure doesn't.

You have to just say "NO MORE" and tell Pete he has to do what he is legally obligated to do. Aside from how it affects you and your husband, Pete will never behave like an adult or a father if he continues to get away with this.
Expecto Patronum!
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Old May 16th, 2016, 05:28 AM
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Re: Brother-in-law is a plague. Help.

It was probably a verbal "Hey! Let's buy a run down house and renovate it. We can all live together and be one big happy family."

Pete... You're enabling him to be the loser that he is. He wants to live life without consequences. He wants to have his brand of fun. He wants to live by his rules - which there are no rules.

Quite enabling him. Whose name is on the deed? Can you sell the house? Have you kept records of what he has paid? Has his girlfriend opened up a child support case?

Some people you just have to put pressure on. Pete isn't worried because everyone is allowing him to do what he wants - Why not... There's no consequences. His child... He doesn't care. If he did he would be seeing his child - but, he doesn't care. The house... He doesn't care. It's getting renovated by your husband and not costing Pete a dime. Then when and if y'all ever sell it, he'll get some of the equity and all he had to do is drink beer and fornicate with whatever idiot girl that though he was an awesome guy. Pete is probably some dweeb with the gift of gab.

Correct YOUR behavior!? Seriously! You're the only one that seems to have the ability to see through this mess. The only thing you need to correct is your husbands thought process of losing his leech of a brother. You know... Family is family, but a fool is a fool. You and your husband don't need to be fools. Your BIL made his own bed for his immature - life without consequences - adult life. You and your husband need to focus on your situation and figure out a way to get out of this mess. It's going to take time, your going to have a ticked off BIL, there's going to be backlash during this entire ordeal, but you and your husband REALLY need to support each other on this matter.

Talk to your husband. And... To hell what other people think. They'll find out the truth eventually. The stupid ones... Well, they're stupid so they'll never figure it out.
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Old May 16th, 2016, 06:47 PM
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Re: Brother-in-law is a plague. Help.

This is just terrible. I hope you and your husband can talk and agree to stop pouring into this brother, cut him off. His ex-gf/baby mama should get all the legal help she can for child support. You are learning a difficult and terrible lesson, but some relatives you have to keep at a distance or they will bleed you dry! I'm so sorry.
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Old May 22nd, 2016, 07:05 PM
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Re: Brother-in-law is a plague. Help.

bobbimittens - any update?

once burned, twice shy

He who ignores history is condemed to repeat it!
(it also means you weren't smart enough to learn from your mistakes )
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Old May 24th, 2016, 12:11 AM
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Re: Brother-in-law is a plague. Help.

What a sick bastard. I am so sorry to hear that you have to go through that horrible nightmare.

Like what the others have said, there are means to put a halt to what he's doing. Child support mostly. Squeeze out of him every single cent that his daughter and her mother needs out of him. Abandoning her would add more to his karma.

Don't stop there. Ask a lawyer with what you can do regarding the renovation expenses. Seek legal help.

Wow and he even has the gall to tell you to correct your behavior! The nerve! >
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affair, brotherinlaw, child, money

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