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  #11  
Old September 5th, 2007, 07:35 AM
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Annsdil Annsdil is offline
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Re: When Relatives Get Married

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Originally Posted by suzanne View Post
You're right, it is the way we grow, through mistakes, etc. Except today, it seems like it's not working. There are concrete stones making people one thing or another. Sociopaths, Toxic, etc. Do you know what I mean?

The new way is not working....get back to the old rules. Do unto others what you would have them do unto you.

Be Kind to others. They need it....that's all I meant.
I agree with getting back to the old rules, as new ones are not working, particulary government led ones in the UK.

There have always been bad guys around though, otherwise Satan would be a new concept We have just got the labels for them now as you said before.

Everyone does need love and kindness and hopefully if you extend your hand and heart to others they will take it and embrace it. Regretably, others will just take their hand and use it to stab you in your heart and they feel completely indifferent to it. Sometimes we have to accept not everyone wants be embraced and as individuals we have to keep our focus with those that do, sometimes for our own wellbeing and our loved ones.

Last edited by Annsdil; September 5th, 2007 at 07:39 AM.
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  #12  
Old September 5th, 2007, 03:44 PM
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Re: When Relatives Get Married

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Originally Posted by suzanne View Post

For instance, of course you are alligned with your husband, certainly you are. But why does everything have to come down to "I choose you and you alone and others are not in the picture if they don't meet our rules?"

I'm speaking of extended families....why must they be thrown out for being what you didn't want them to be? You don't throw your family away! That's not right and you all know it.

Sometimes parents are trouble...I expect you were trouble to them at one time or another. Did they throw you out? I doubt it. Why is everthing so cut and dry? It's those damned boundaries, isn't it?

I wish that book had never been written along with all the toxic people! Please! People are just people.

Boundaries and "The Toxics" have become the new mantra in this generation and you know what it's really all about? It's about getting your own way, that's all.

You simply want what you want and to hell with the others,family or not. MUST HAVE MY OWN WAY AT ANY COST!
Others aren't allowed in the picture if they don't follow the rules of that family. That sounds reasonable to me, extended family included. What I don't understand are ILs who think they can just treat people anyway they want & you have to put up with it because they're "family"

I've never heard of 2 people getting married & just deciding to throw away extended family. What's more common is disrespect, jealousy, competition and condescending words & attitudes get thrown around. If more parents would take their cues from the newlywedded couple as to what their place is in this new family's life, things would be so much easier, I think.

IMO, boundaries are good. Every self-respecting person has their limits & in relationships things work better when everyone respects those limits. Not only that, every family has the right to decide how their family is run & what their own personal boundaries are. Don't you agree?
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  #13  
Old September 5th, 2007, 06:17 PM
1dilwhosreal 1dilwhosreal is offline
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Re: When Relatives Get Married

suzanne, I don't understand how you can say you are not angry and don't mean to come across that way and then reply so defensively. Surely you can agree that if people aren't civil, then you aren't required to entertain them.

And the rest of the stuff you post comes across in 3 ways, depending on the reader. Either you are very angry and must come out with the most ridiculous statements to make everyone else as angry as you are, you are being purposely inflammatory for the hell of it, or you've got some real issues with letting your adult children leave the nest and fly on their own.
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  #14  
Old September 5th, 2007, 06:43 PM
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Re: When Relatives Get Married

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Originally Posted by suzanne View Post
Others aren't allowed in the picture if they don't follow the rules of the family? Which family? Your Newlywed family or the family you and DH were brought up in? Everyone should behave like civilized adults and treat each other with love and kindness...if that was done we wouldn't need any boundaries and "N's" and "Toxics".

My gosh, it doesn't take a boatload of brains to figure that one out. What are parents supposed to do with you? Are we supposed to sit there and have no opinions, no nothing? Just sit there like mutes and vegetate?

If we say, "oh, I like your house. You don't have a vacuum cleaner; would you like mine?" Hell, you'd think we just offered her poison. It's a clear slap against her housekeeping. She runs to her husband and convinces him that we have said something about what a lousy housekeeper she is. We can't say or do anything. Nothing. Do you understand? It's all turned around to look like Mommy has hurt the DIL's feelings.

No, Mommy just offered the DIL a vacuum cleaner because DIL doesn't have one. What's so hard to understand?

We give our sons away....to you and what do you do? You use every single word against us. (I'm speaking collectively, not personally)

If we stay away, we are not caring. If we stay too close, we're interferring. We can't find a place.

I've had an MIL. She was very nice and pleasant. She didn't have a lot to say so I'll admit, I took it personally and thought the woman did not like me. I was very hurt. However, that was as far as it went. I didn't run to my husband and tell him. Some things are just best left unsaid because he would have been put in a bad position.

Now I'm on the other side...it's different on the other side and it's not good. I'm relegated to not being myself...just sitting and not speaking because God forbid I say the wrong thing. Must have the "bonding with Husband and wife" so she runs and tells him every little bit of info she can conceive in her brain. It's always to run MOMMY off and to make MOMMY look like she's bad in her son's eyes.

Over the years, it takes it's toll and he looks at the woman who raised him differently. I hope you never have this happen but because of the Boundaries, Toxics and "N's" (all MIL's seem to be "N's") it will surely visit you. And may the Lord be with you in your grief.

Treat each parent and adult children with respect, understanding and love. Quit thinking all the darts are directed at you....they aren't always. Maybe some do that but I don't know any.

You have it easy...you are the one sought after and wanted....we are the ones needing to be kicked out.
Which family? Are you joking? This may be the problem. THE family is the one with a husband and his wife and may or may not include minor children or single adult sons or daughters. I noticed the usage of the title "Mommy" numerous times. Parents of adult sons & daughters (I dislike even the phrase adult children, as it's an oxymoron & there is no such thing) aren't mommies & daddys anymore. If you have good relations with your sons & daughters, you go on the being a Grandma someday, but never a mommy again.

Believe me, I know the loss of not being a "mommy" anymore. As children grow, we all go through that loss. My sweet little angelic 4 year old boy doesn't exist anymore. I now have a rugged "too cool for mom" 12 year old. That boy in those pictures I treasure simply is gone & is never coming back. One day this fun loving rough & tumble boy will have morphed into a grown man & my 12 year old son will not exist anymore & never will he be that boy again. We lose our children progressively over the years we just don't notice because it's gradual and we learn to get over it & move on. We don't demand that our sons still act the way they did when they were boys, we adapt.

The loss that many mothers can't get over, however, is the loss to another woman. Instinctively, we know, or should know, that we can never love our son like a wife can. The partnership between a wife and husband is designed to be exclusive. When people are truly in love, they are best friends, lovers, companions & yes even nurturers & caretakers to each other. I believe some ILs are threatened by that.


You mentioned this :"I hope you never have this happen but because of the Boundaries, Toxics and "N's" (all MIL's seem to be "N's") it will surely visit you. And may the Lord be with you in your grief."

It surely won't visit me...MaryLou, I have respect for my son & daughter & I'm already a MIL. I've have 2 sons in law, love them both, even the one who's my daughter's ex. I must be doing something right because I've never been mistreated by any of them. I demand nothing (no holidays, no visits, etc) and I see them quite often & every other holiday usually.

I notice that you didn't answer my question on if you agree that families have the right to set rules and boundaries for themselves.
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  #15  
Old September 5th, 2007, 06:58 PM
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Re: When Relatives Get Married

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Originally Posted by suzanne View Post
It's about getting your own way, that's all.

You simply want what you want and to hell with the others,family or not. MUST HAVE MY OWN WAY AT ANY COST!
Um...

So you think it is OK to force a relationship so YOU can have YOUR way????

People should not be subjected to people who treat them poorly - regardless if they are family or not.

People should not have to subject their children -to people who treat them poorly - ie grandparents treating a DIL/SIL poorly and the grandparents expecting the grandchildren to be delivered to their doorstep.

Why is it cut and dry -

because treating people with dignity and respect is a cut and dry evolution.
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  #16  
Old September 5th, 2007, 07:16 PM
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Re: When Relatives Get Married

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Originally Posted by suzanne View Post
Again, I am so very sorry. I was being awful. Please forgive me.
Mary Lou
Believe me - I understand you are hurting - - - -

There is that prayer ...


Lord Grant me
the serenity - to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference..

However - I do like the parody of...

Lord Grant me
the serenity - to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can
and the ability to hide the bodies of those who really pi$$ me off...


I know I can't change how other people act. I can only change how I act/react.
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  #17  
Old September 5th, 2007, 07:29 PM
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Re: When Relatives Get Married

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Originally Posted by suzanne View Post
If we say, "oh, I like your house. You don't have a vacuum cleaner; would you like mine?" Hell, you'd think we just offered her poison. It's a clear slap against her housekeeping. She runs to her husband and convinces him that we have said something about what a lousy housekeeper she is. We can't say or do anything. Nothing. Do you understand? It's all turned around to look like Mommy has hurt the DIL's feelings.

No, Mommy just offered the DIL a vacuum cleaner because DIL doesn't have one. What's so hard to understand?
This is a good example and so true! All of us dils can admit, women take things too personally sometimes! I will say that, as a woman, I can tell whether the vacuum cleaner offer is in kindness or as a slam, though. It depends on the person. My mil would preface it with a slam like "well, since you guys can't afford a good vacuum cleaner, I'm giving you one. I hope you'll appreciate it since you're the female and will be the one using it."
Suzanne, on the other hand, would just give the vacuum cleaner. Totally different.
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  #18  
Old September 5th, 2007, 07:44 PM
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Re: When Relatives Get Married

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Originally Posted by suzanne View Post

I do not know what happened to me today....I think I feel sorry for myself because I know I've done nothing wrong. Maybe something wrong, but never knowingly. I was really taking it out on everybody. I never do that...I guess because you are all anonymous, I let myself go. SO SORRY! Please forgive me.
Mary Lou (I know you all know who I am anyway)

You may not have knowingly done anything wrong - however it may have been perceived as a slight.
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  #19  
Old September 5th, 2007, 07:53 PM
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Re: When Relatives Get Married

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Originally Posted by suzanne View Post
That's what I was trying to say. Believe me, you'll just being going around being yourself and your DIL might think you've slammed her for some reason. You have no idea what you've done.
You again are projecting - as in YOU all... it isn't the case for everyone... It is one of the things about the IL discussions that drives me bonkers... both sides - say YOU, people, everyone...

Folks - - - the only person we can speak in with authority is first person:

Try: I was being myself and my DIL thought I slammed her for some reason - I have no idea what I have done...

We can't cure the world. We can only address the issues presented here - on an individual basis.
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  #20  
Old September 5th, 2007, 08:04 PM
1dilwhosreal 1dilwhosreal is offline
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Re: When Relatives Get Married

I prefer this Irish prayer:

"May those who love us, love us.
And for those who don't love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if he can not turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we may know them by their limping."

I believe that you didn't mean to do anything and I'm not holding any grudges. But I suspect that your ability to project and become defensive comes out in real life. Do you find yourself having to apologize to your family or friends?
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