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Old February 1st, 2018, 04:28 PM
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Not sure if I should continue the friendship....

Hello,
(Be warned, this is a long post)

So I kinda need some advice and guidance about a situation I might be in with someone who I met through a close friend years ago. She used to be an acquaintance but recently she has reached out to me and invited me to a Christmas party her and her husband had. And is basically wanting to be friends now and hang out sometimes. We have been texting each other for prob about two months now. We've hung out a few times so far.
Anyways we tried to meet up a few times earlier last month, but either both of us were sick or she was sick and we cancelled on each other. So finally, when both of us were well, we decided to hang out this past Tuesday evening. She wanted me to bring over an anime and some wine. Well I got over to her place, her husband was there, and answered the door. Now I wasn't expecting him to be there. She never said anything about him being there or mention him at all over text.
So let me give you a little background on the husband. I knew her husband since high school. Back when I was prob 17 and I'm 31 now, Her husband hit on me a few times and I think wanted to go out with me back then. He was a lil creepy, followed me home from the bus a few times and seemed to stalk me but it never got out of hand. Anyways some years went by and around 2011 or 2012 I was hanging out with my close friend who moved outta state at a bar one night, and she wanted me to meet her friends. I was like ok thats cool. And it was the guy and his girlfriend at the time now his wife, (girl that I'm talking about wanting to be friends) hanging out with my close friend. I was like whoooaaa small world lol. I told my close friend that I knew the guy from high school. His girlfriend I had just met that night. Anyways my close friend tells me aww I knew him from church or sometime years ago. So since then off and on I could tell that he would try to talk to me and seemed like he would hit on me but not quite sure, while he is still together with his girlfriend. Whether it be thru facebook or messenger. I even bumbed into him at some place he was working at, and he had to make some flattering juncture.
Well, her husband was there at the Christmas party back on christmas day, so I should have expected him to be there the other night. But thought maybe he would be at work or something. Anyway the entire time I was there, he talked and when he talks he talks a lot. He was in the middle of everything. He talks more than his wife (the girl I'm trying to be friends with). She is more the shy type. The thing is she lets him do it. He was being real nice though, good hospitality, made snacks and wings. We watched a movie too instead of the anime I brought. Anyways I just get the feeling he is very controlling and possessive and either wont let her go out with friends on her own, or she doesnt wan't to. I want to be friends with HER. Get to know HER better. And I can't do that if he is always around, if I wanna talk girl talk and vent to her. She's the one I'm texting, not him. And I don't even know if she knows about all the crap that I know about him or that I've known him since high school. Honestly, I think he's cheated on her before. They prob broke up bc of it before, but I wasn't around. I want to find new girl friends. Ones that can and want to meet up for drinks at a bar, shop, go workout with me or something. But they should be a lil independent. I have a boyfriend so I am open to finding couple friends, just don't know if her husband is ok to be around. And hey he may have changed. But if I don't bring my bf to gatherings and what not and they expect him to be there, kinda awkward if you don't tell me your husband will join us too and I show up alone. I know he lives there.
Also, I've been in toxic friendships and had these "friends" since high school that always asked for money, had no car, lived with parents, and used me for different things. One of these friends I had to cut off last year because she kept asking for money and I got tired of it. Not really even caring what I'm up to. Another friend I still keep in touch with, but is engaged to a guy now, and always flakes out when I try to invite her out. So pretty much we're just social media friends now and might have went our seperate ways. But I'll talk about all that in another post sometime.
I get the vibe this new girl doesn't have her own car. She either shares a car with her husband or she doesn't have a license at all. They both have jobs and so far she's not asking me for money.
So my question is should I continue being friends with her if her husband hangs with us all the time and she doesn't wanna hang alone? And should I let her know that her husband should leave us alone and go to another room while me and her are trying to hang out/have a convo? Do you think this could be a toxic friendship? Or am I toxic? I did feel like I said too much about somethings in my past with him around and Idk if she liked that or not. Also not sure what other things we have in common and she may not be experienced as I am on certain things, where I can open up more to her about it.
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Old February 1st, 2018, 04:38 PM
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Re: Not sure if I should continue the friendship....

I don't think you should ever tell her that her husband should leave the room when the two of you are hanging out. LOL. That would be pretty offensive to tell someone what to do in his own house.

But other than that, I'd test the waters with her - see if she wants to meet for lunch or for coffee (someplace away from her home, or even your place if you're comfortable with that). You said her husband hangs out with the two of you "all the time" - have there been other instances?

People change a lot from high school. Maybe her husband has too. Does she know that the two of you knew each other from high school?
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Old February 1st, 2018, 08:24 PM
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Re: Not sure if I should continue the friendship....

Lol thats true. I maybe able to text her and ask if she wants to do something alone just me and her go get some coffee. She has a weird work schedule though. She works graves til about 8-8:30 am and he works days I think. Sux bc she isn't off on Friday or Saturday nights and we could do something then. But she never wants to do anything during the day before work, I know she most likely sleeps during the day. But that could also explain why she doesn't want to hang on a friday or saturday evening before work if he has their only car til he gets off work.
We've only hung out a handful of times since I knew them as a couple and yea he's been there every time.
I really don't think she knows. And I don't wanna bring that up to her myself in a text. Maybe it might come up in a convo if I see her again and he's there, that way it won't come off weird. Just don't want to be uncomfortable.
Also, I havent known her since high school, just the husband. She's several years younger than I am, but her husband is about a year older than me.
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Old February 1st, 2018, 10:43 PM
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Re: Not sure if I should continue the friendship....

It sounds (from her work schedule and them only having one car) that it is kind of difficult for her to socialize. It probably doesn't really have too much to do with you. That also might explain why the husband hangs around with y'all. If they are working opposite shifts, they probably don't get to see each other much.

If you like her, I'd still be friends with her. You might not get much girl time, but she'd probably be able to carry on conversations over text. Depending on your schedule, maybe you could offer to pick her up from work and go to breakfast some day.
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Old February 2nd, 2018, 09:28 AM
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Re: Not sure if I should continue the friendship....

I haven't heard from her since the other night. It's almost like I have to initiate a convo or invite her to hang out first thru text.

Going to breakfast thing would be a good idea and it would make a good excuse to go have coffee when she gets off. But I'm not up that early on the weekends lol. I'll try to be more positive about it lol.
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