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Old April 1st, 2011, 06:38 AM
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What's up with this?

My DB's son called my DM 2 days ago and asked if he could move in with her and quit school.

My DM told him the truth: her lease does not allow her to have anyone else live there and if he did live with her, school would be a requirement.

But this is the thing: My DB dialed the number, and my SisIL was in the background laughing, saying, "You're going to get the lecture now. I told you she's meaner than we are."

This boy had been abused all his life. They moved away because they were reported for the abuse, and he had been kept from us for many years. SIL's FOO treated him the same way. He was literally the scape goat for all that went wrong in that family because he was the reason they had to get married. He always felt like my DM was the only one to love him. He is treated very much like a Cinderfella in his own house while his sisters were sent to a private boarding school and served everything they wanted. He's been accused of crimes that it turned out his younger, "perfect" brother committed.

She's not sure if she made the right move; she'd have to renegotiate her lease and money is really tight. He'd have to give up everything to live there. He's 16. He's been institutionalized, at his DP's insistence, for bi-polar disorder. She doesn't think she can handle a boy his age and size anymore.

This is just so sad.
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Old April 1st, 2011, 06:46 AM
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Re: What's up with this?

That's messed up. Sometimes the people in this world just suck.
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Old April 1st, 2011, 07:00 AM
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Re: What's up with this?

Would there be any organisation that could provide any mental health support for him, or help him learn to be independant? I would feel real bad if this was his first step towards getting out of a bad situation and there was no support for him.

I so wish one of DH's Aunt's or Uncles had stepped in when they knew their sister was abusive towards Dh and his siblings. Their lives could have been turned around so much sooner.

I'm sorry Lucy, it's a very sad and difficult situation for you all, but I guess even sadder for your nephew if he has no-one watch his back.
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Old April 1st, 2011, 07:21 AM
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Re: What's up with this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Annsdil View Post
Would there be any organisation that could provide any mental health support for him, or help him learn to be independant? I would feel real bad if this was his first step towards getting out of a bad situation and there was no support for him.

I so wish one of DH's Aunt's or Uncles had stepped in when they knew their sister was abusive towards Dh and his siblings. Their lives could have been turned around so much sooner.

I'm sorry Lucy, it's a very sad and difficult situation for you all, but I guess even sadder for your nephew if he has no-one watch his back.
The thing is, his parents will pull the carpet out from under him. Look at how they handled that phone call? Before my DM even said "hello" they were undermining any conversation she would have with him. They would not allow anyone to be a support for this kid.

For a split second I thought about it. But I have 3 kids and a totally different life style. We don't flip tables and demolish rooms when we're angry. We don't drop efu's for the fun of it. While they are up all night, my kids have a strict bedtime (yes, even at 17, it's lights out at 11 unless they're doing homework on school nights). No dating until they have a job, a car, a license and insurance. This kid has already had a pregnancy scare. We don't have texting or pics on cell phones. He does and he thinks he's entitled to them. We require our kids to have an 85% or better in all classes. He's been expelled, home schooled, institutionalized, then returned to public school, rarely achieving passing grades. And I have a 6 year old girl in the house. I don't know that he would adjust to my strict rules. With my children still at home, I can't make the choice to sacrifice them for the possibility of saving him now. I think the boys would be resentful but would adjust. But I worry about the youngest who may be hurt in more ways than just a disruption to her home.

ETA: And my DB and SIL have made my lifestyle a running joke, either laughing or attacking it, in front of these children. Would he really be able to accept it or would he be made to feel like a sell-out?
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Old April 1st, 2011, 07:21 AM
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Re: What's up with this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Knot2loud View Post
That's messed up. Sometimes the people in this world just suck.
Ain't that the truth.
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Old April 1st, 2011, 07:47 AM
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Re: What's up with this?

Oh Lucy, I wasn't suggesting you bring him into your home, or your mum's. Your environment has to be a place of safety for your own kids for sure. I know with DH's brother with the problems he has I too would feel him too volatile to be around our kids. What we did is ring round and find out what support could be provided to him if he did decide for himself to break away from his P's clutches. We have the contacts if ever he wanted/needed it.

Would any family members be willing to help find out support for him to be able to branch out for himself, if he is wanting to take that step. I don't know the type of charities or organisations you have in the US.

(((hugs)))

ETA: That anyone mocks the lifestyle you have and are happy with, pity on them that they can't find the same happiness in their own lives.
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There’s one major problem with giving grandparents legal access to their grandchildren. People who inflicted verbal, physical and sexual abuse on their children are then given access to inflict trauma on yet another generation. ~ Wayne and Tamara
*******************

Last edited by Annsdil; April 1st, 2011 at 07:50 AM.
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Old April 1st, 2011, 07:50 AM
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Re: What's up with this?

Is there any way your DM could get money from the state to take him in? I know a woman who was going to take in one of her grandchildren (mom was pregnant for the 6th time and already had the two oldest in a foster home) and she was going to get paid by the state. It ended up not happening (mom wanted to keep baby) but I thought I'd throw out the idea. Your DM could be a foster mom?

Or is this a bad idea anyway?
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Old April 1st, 2011, 10:06 AM
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Re: What's up with this?

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Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
Is there any way your DM could get money from the state to take him in? I know a woman who was going to take in one of her grandchildren (mom was pregnant for the 6th time and already had the two oldest in a foster home) and she was going to get paid by the state. It ended up not happening (mom wanted to keep baby) but I thought I'd throw out the idea. Your DM could be a foster mom?

Or is this a bad idea anyway?
To take him in as a foster means the DPs have to sign him over to the state. I don't know if they would do that. She had been a foster to another grandchild almost 30 years ago.
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Old April 7th, 2011, 08:52 AM
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Re: What's up with this?

updates?
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Old April 7th, 2011, 06:09 PM
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Re: What's up with this?

None. For them it's always a SSDD.
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