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Old October 15th, 2007, 08:34 AM
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My Nephew

Just for clarification, my nephew is only 7 years younger than me and we see each other as more siblings than aunt/nephew.

DN (24yo) recently moved to another state to be with his fiance. They are engaged but want a long engagement. He just started school (dropped out to work) because fiance parents do not want their DD marrying someone without a college education. He moved to this state with the intentions of living with his fiance, but her parents threw a fit and told them it was "unholy" to live together until marriage. He moved to this state with the idea that he would have a roomate in the fiance and would be able to split the bills. Now he is a full-time student, working full-time and still having trouble making ends meet because both DN and fiance have seperate apartments, etc.. He was having to ask his parents and grandparents for money and did not like this.

He finally told his fiance that he could not afford to live on his own (It is a very expensive part of the US to live in) and go to school. He wanted to move home where it was cheaper to live, to finish school. She did not like this, so asked him to move in with her.

The problem, she wont tell her parents that they are living together. Eventually, they will find out. They live in the same town, go to the same church, etc... My nephew does not want to disrespect these people by decieving them, as they are his future inlaws, but he thinks it is her place to tell them?

Any suggestions? (Wanted to add, he was not trying to manipulate her when he wanted to move back home. But I think he was at his wits end between finances and school. It was her idea initially when they first moved, for them to live together, until her parents told her "their daughter would not live in sin.")
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  #2  
Old October 15th, 2007, 10:31 AM
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Pandsala Pandsala is offline
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Re: My Nephew

Quote:
Originally Posted by grubby View Post
Just for clarification, my nephew is only 7 years younger than me and we see each other as more siblings than aunt/nephew.

DN (24yo) recently moved to another state to be with his fiance. They are engaged but want a long engagement. He just started school (dropped out to work) because fiance parents do not want their DD marrying someone without a college education. He moved to this state with the intentions of living with his fiance, but her parents threw a fit and told them it was "unholy" to live together until marriage. He moved to this state with the idea that he would have a roomate in the fiance and would be able to split the bills. Now he is a full-time student, working full-time and still having trouble making ends meet because both DN and fiance have seperate apartments, etc.. He was having to ask his parents and grandparents for money and did not like this.

He finally told his fiance that he could not afford to live on his own (It is a very expensive part of the US to live in) and go to school. He wanted to move home where it was cheaper to live, to finish school. She did not like this, so asked him to move in with her.

The problem, she wont tell her parents that they are living together. Eventually, they will find out. They live in the same town, go to the same church, etc... My nephew does not want to disrespect these people by decieving them, as they are his future inlaws, but he thinks it is her place to tell them?

Any suggestions? (Wanted to add, he was not trying to manipulate her when he wanted to move back home. But I think he was at his wits end between finances and school. It was her idea initially when they first moved, for them to live together, until her parents told her "their daughter would not live in sin.")
to be honest, imo he should run from a girl who is too immature to make her own decisions and be honest with her parents and stand by her choices. Especially when she is trying to throw him under the bus by refusing to share an apt and bills and then going back on that again when he decides to go to where he can afford to live.

she sounds extremely immature and irrisponsible and inconsiderate.

Other than that, his schooling is the most important thing, if he needs to live in a less expensive area so he can afford school and living, then he needs to do that, to assure his future. If she truely loves him, she should be willing to make the sacrifice so that he can better himself AND them when they marry.

but imo, her lying to her parents about the living arrangements is only going to guarentee that your DN will have a nightmare life with them as inlaws, because they will blame him 100%.
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Old October 15th, 2007, 11:29 AM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: My Nephew

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Originally Posted by grubby View Post
The problem, she wont tell her parents that they are living together. Eventually, they will find out. They live in the same town, go to the same church, etc... My nephew does not want to disrespect these people by decieving them, as they are his future inlaws, but he thinks it is her place to tell them?

Any suggestions? (Wanted to add, he was not trying to manipulate her when he wanted to move back home. But I think he was at his wits end between finances and school. It was her idea initially when they first moved, for them to live together, until her parents told her "their daughter would not live in sin.")
I know this won't be a popular answer, but IMO he ought to find another roomie. Not that *I* have any problem with their living arrangement but if it's going to cause problems in the long run...

This situation was very similar to the one I had with DH before we married. We were "living together" but I did have my own apartment (very cheap), partly because I wanted to have somewhere to go if things didn't work out with DH (they did ) and partly because my D would have FREAKED if he had known.

Yes, I threw away a year's worth of rent. But it wasn't nearly as expensive as the war that would have happened between my D and my DH.

ETA: (Sorry, I was rushed before!) I wanted to add that I think it's really wonderful of your nephew to not want to take money from his P's or GP's. To show that kind of committment to working and going to school - IMO it speaks very highly of him, and it would be great if the DF's parents could see it that way. If it were anyone else, I'd say they'd need to get over it. But it sounds like the DF's P's have a lot of influence over her (she sounds young). That's amazing that your DN has his act together so well and is so respectful of them.

My D didn't want me marrying DH while he was in school. But that was just part of our lives, kwim? My D fussed about me having to support DH, until I pointed out that my M had to support my D while HE was in graduate school! LOL. After a decade of marriage and a couple o' kids, my D apologized to my DH for his behavior and expressed his gratitude to DH for "sticking it out". I was very grateful to my D for that, and to my DH for insisting that the apology wasn't necessary (it was).

Last edited by KayKay; October 15th, 2007 at 04:51 PM. Reason: wanted to add more
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Old October 15th, 2007, 06:09 PM
1dilwhosreal 1dilwhosreal is offline
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Re: My Nephew

I agree with both KayKay and Pandsala.

There is a problem if the girl won't tell her parents and wants to hide this. It doesn't bode well for their future to start off on a lie. If she is that worried about her parents opinions, then they shouldn't live together.

I think your DN is showing a lot of maturity in making some important decisions. If he doesn't want to leave, another roomie is the better alternative.

Can I ask, if these 2 are already engaged, in their mid 20's, why not just go down to the JP and get married? Save the big ceremony for later, after graduation? Then they'd get both the rent savings and the PIL's approval.
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Old October 16th, 2007, 07:48 AM
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Re: My Nephew

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Originally Posted by Pandsala View Post
but imo, her lying to her parents about the living arrangements is only going to guarentee that your DN will have a nightmare life with them as inlaws, because they will blame him 100%.
Right here is my DN worst fear. He is afraid they will think "he corrupted their DD." No, they have not said this, BTW. But he does not want to be the cause of a family war either.
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Old October 16th, 2007, 08:08 AM
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Re: My Nephew

Thanks KayKay. I think DN good guy too. He did some screwups when he was younger, but has busted his tail to get on the right track. As for not wanting to barrow money from his Ps, there are 2 reasons 1) He feels "stupid" for being 24 and still relying on mom and dad and 2) Because it also comes with a price. Unfortunately for DN, there are inlaw issues on both sides. Poor guy.

I think they are worried about DD working while DN is still in school, which I can fully understand.

I did ask him about getting a roomate (he calls me about 4 times a week) and said it would only save him about 200 a month for a 2-bedroom apartment compared to 1-bedroom apartment. But it may come to that.

Idil, I think DN would LOVE to elope. Honestly, we have family in Las Vegas and it has crossed his mind. BUT, it still would not make future inlaws okay with the marriage, because it would not be done in the church, by a priest and ordained by God. Therefore, the marriage would not count in their eyes.

I also should mention that fiance is 24yo, graduated from college. She is a very nice girl. She also has an older sister (26,-27?) who lives with her boyfriend, but hides it from mom and dad too, only she lives out of state and it is easier to hide.

Update: DN and fiance suggested to her parents they move up the wedding. WOW. Lets just say, it was not a pretty conversation. DN called me all upset because he feels like he is not good enough for their DD. DD is not talking to her parents because of something they said (not sure what, and I am not going to pry). But still have not told them they are living together. DN is a terrible lier and just knows he will slip up at some point.

I am just glad that it is his DRAMA and not mine.

Thanks ladies.
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Old October 16th, 2007, 11:53 AM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: My Nephew

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Originally Posted by grubby View Post
Idil, I think DN would LOVE to elope. Honestly, we have family in Las Vegas and it has crossed his mind. BUT, it still would not make future inlaws okay with the marriage, because it would not be done in the church, by a priest and ordained by God. Therefore, the marriage would not count in their eyes.
Um, I eloped and was married in a Catholic church, by a priest, and my understanding is it was "ordained by God". It can be done.

But... with your update... not sure that's adviseable.
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Old October 17th, 2007, 12:24 PM
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Re: My Nephew

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Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
Um, I eloped and was married in a Catholic church, by a priest, and my understanding is it was "ordained by God". It can be done.

But... with your update... not sure that's adviseable.
I agree, but am afraid to say this to DN. In some ways, I think the church thing is their excuse to stall the wedding. But, then again, I barely know these people and do not want to make assumptions. From what I do know of them, they seems extremely nice.
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Old February 20th, 2009, 12:40 AM
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Re: My Nephew

I know this is over a year old, but...any updates?

Or do I need to MMOB (mind my own business)?
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