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Old October 23rd, 2009, 07:46 AM
dendah dendah is offline
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Sister hates me

I need to share my story that is worrying me everyday. I am 1st GD from a total of 7. Unfortunately my ganny had only 2 daughters from which one got married (my mother) the other one (my aunt) didn't get married but had 2 daughters and 1 son from different fathers. My mother got me before she got married and I grew up staying with my aunt, granny and these 3 cousins at my mom's family house. I used to visit my mom during school holidays until I was a grown up woman, who could look after herself. We had a very good relationship with my aunt, and her children were more like my siblings than cousins. I bonded with them even more then I bonded with my half brothers. I was very focused, which helped me to get a degree and made a bright future for myself. My aunt died in 2003, when I was just starting to work, she was like a mother to me.I was very hurt that she died before I could do anything nice for her. As a result I made a vow to myself that I will look after her children until they could be independent as their useless fathers have all passed away!

I started off, by settling the debt she left behind,, moving my granny together with them to a better place to stay wth my mom helping me. Then I promised to take the younger one to Varsity, if she get good high school results. During the year, she became pregnant at 17. She tried abortion because she was scared of me and my mom. I forgave her and take her still to Varsity on one condition, that she become focused and behave like somebody who is still under some authority. She did well on her 1st year, 2nd year she did well but during school holidays she packed her clothes and went to visit the father of her child, who was contributing nothing to the wellbeing of his child. I was so angry becuase during holidays she is supposed to be at home, be helpfull to my +80 grandmom.
We had a serious talk where I threatned to stop paying her fees, if she does not behave like a child and show some respect to me and granny.


Next holidays, she did the same thing. This time she didn't even respond to my phone calls whilst she was there. I was so angry!!!!!! She came back a day before the schools open. I did not bother depositing the money for transport and registration, she didn't bother asking me!!

After 2 weeks, I drove home to check what's happening with her. She was there, she didn't show any remorse.My DH asked if she is planning on going back to Varsity, she said since I've dropped her she will look for temporarly jobs,,, what kind of an answer was that,, I was expecting her to apologise and promise me she will change. Not that she will leave her boyfriend but she will respect the elders and not pack openly and go and stay with boyfriend for weeks. She didn't apologise!!! I came back to my house, my DH gave her money behind my back to come and talk to me at my house,, she came but was very angry,, she told me her boyfriend will continue paying her fees. I was so hurt!! I would dream of her everynight.
She is now 24!

Her boyfriend is not working, he is being supported by his parents who are not doing so well! I heard she is very struggling, you can tell by looking at her face! I gave birth to my 1st child in March,, the whole family has come to see the baby,,, she hasn't.She stays 20km away from where I am. I've tried to swallow my pride, call her and ask her when will she come to see her niece. She just says, she will see. I've sent her sms's of love. But she doesn't respond. Now she is not even answering my phone calls, I have to hide my number 1st before she can answer.

I love her, she is like my younger sister. Though we've fought but I am over that I want us to start working on our relationship as adults now.
My DH says, I should just forget her and move on with my life and concerntrate on my own little baby. But how do you do that, to a person who doesn't have parents,, only a boyfriend who might change the next day!! I feel so drained by this!
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Old October 23rd, 2009, 07:55 AM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: Sister hates me

How can you move on? You have no choice. She is 24 years old. You have no authority over her. This is the flip-side of tough love. Hopefully she will appreciate what you tried to do for her.
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Old October 23rd, 2009, 08:45 AM
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Re: Sister hates me

I agree with Lucy.

It may help you to talk to a councilor. Don't become a "helicopter" parent - she'll never develop as an adult if someone is always bailing her out. I know its hard, but she's an adult & you've got to let go. (hugs)
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Old October 23rd, 2009, 08:53 AM
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Re: Sister hates me

I agree with Lucy and Snafu, and your DH. She has made her choices and will have to deal with the consequences of her actions.

There is an old saying, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink".
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Old October 23rd, 2009, 09:11 AM
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Re: Sister hates me



She's at an awkward age, dendah. She has to make her own decisions, and it sounds like she is rebelling against her life being laid out for her. You've been very generous to her out of the kindness of your heart, but did she ask for you to be? You are working for her best interests, but maybe she feels bossed around.

Maybe if she doesn't have to "rebel" so hard, she'll look around at her life and think "Uh oh... what have I done?"

I'm a younger sister too.
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Old October 23rd, 2009, 10:13 AM
tp551 tp551 is offline
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Re: Sister hates me

That's so sad, and I'm so sorry for the situation. I have a sister that doesn't really talk to this side much. Anyway, All the other ladies are right. As hard as it is, you need to let her go. Keep her in your heart, stop the calls, letters etc. Put the ball in her court, it may take days, weeks or even years but one day, she will come to you.

God Bless and good luck
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Old October 27th, 2009, 06:36 AM
dendah dendah is offline
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Re: Sister hates me

She has left me no choice but to try and let go!
Thank you guyz for your support! It's just that I felt like I owe it to my aunt to make sure she has a future. But as you said, she's a grown up!!!
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Old October 27th, 2009, 08:22 AM
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Re: Sister hates me

(((hugs)))

It's a tough one dendah, but you've done all you can do to give her a good future. What's that old adage about leading a horse to water?
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